-
Tweets177K
-
Followers81K
-
Following515
-
Likes480K
If you’re over 40 and think people your age look old I have some devastating news for you.
My daughter took the bar exam in a second state and just found out she passed. She has court at 3pm so I volunteered to stand in for her so she could go celebrate. She said, “Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t want the judge to think I’m unserious.” So anyway, I’m on my 2nd champagne.
Is it possible to karaoke a Milli Vanilli song?
me: going to the bookstore just to look also me: not buying these books would be financially irresponsible
I can't do my job without immunity, either.
You don't scare me, you're not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
oh you like gardening. name 3 hoes.
Saying, “ohboyohboyohboyohboyohboy” the whole time during sex.
Yesterday one of my students told me that whenever he runs into a teacher outside of school in he never says hi because it’ll “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Since the first time I watched porn, I’ve been very uncomfortable being in a house alone with a plumber.
I don't need a nap, I need a casual coma at this point
The cruelest prank on mankind was making bumblebees look so huggable and fluffy but with a poison butt sword.
If I were running the country right now, I’d probably just throw the remote at the wall.
marketing ducks as organic corkscrews
You know you're getting old when you find yourself genuinely thrilled about your favorite dish sponge coming in a few new colors.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids them: how old are yours? me: I don’t have any
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that. My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
If I can make just 1 person laugh, that makes my day. But maybe not when I'm on center stage at the strip club.
A great white shark is a normal shark that tells dad jokes and gives you finger guns at the punchline.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?” *inventor of the RV
Adam @adamgreattweet
63K Followers 3K Following Resident physician as seen on Buzzfeed and TV, RTd by Barack Obama. He/HimDadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezburRodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlvMidge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbolJessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal
59K Followers 983 Following Wife of a guy. Mother to spawns. Sugar glider in my bra. Parenting cautionary tale. (she/her)NurseBrianRN @rn_murse
19K Followers 823 Following Singer-Songscreamer I Gay Homosexual I Pubic Figure | Fourth ThingBöb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is..:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin
55K Followers 3K Following • goth daria vibes • fear does not exist in this bio • muppet enthusiast • reba/dolly 2024 • subscribe •sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4Village Person @SvnSxty
31K Followers 4K Following If you support ethnic cleansing, kindly fuck off 😊 Find me and follow me @SvnSxty on all platforms. my tweets ⤵️fredesque @FredTaming
27K Followers 892 Following black & trans lives matter | stop asian hate | 🏳️🌈 🏳️⚧️ friendly | he/him | fka taming fr*d s*vage |Salty MacTavish 🇺�.. @SaltyMacTavish
13K Followers 9K Following We hardly talk about clams anymore and frankly I’m steamed about it https://t.co/MEeOiowPL2your other mom @difficultpatty
37K Followers 964 Following Bad at hydrangeas. Ibuprofen enthusiast. We write jokes here. https://t.co/sVPCoTC4PwReal Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...That Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6karanbir singh 🫶 @karanbirtinna
29K Followers 4K Following The next person to make a stereotype Indian joke is getting beaten to death by my snake charming flute!NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
25K Followers 7K Following Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVphJessica @starchylady869
26 Followers 308 Following I just post/repost things I find funny, interesting or will make you happy Old to Twitter, but new page (f hackers) No hookers pleaseKen of The Woods (lik.. @DogwoodSaunders
258 Followers 625 Following Family man, lover of dogs, trails and Notre Dame Football. Life Goals: Daily improvement, stay upright on my runs and make my wife blush at least once per day.Emili Sophie @AnthonyPor79412
404 Followers 5K Following My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitudeEarl @EarlOBrien23
0 Followers 166 FollowingJace @kinny69
916 Followers 3K Following Slightly naughty lad from London. I won't appear in your Dms unless you contact me.I love 2 chat to new people and having a laugh. insta @dirkthegent_69Gingerstopheles @Gingerstopheles
382 Followers 1K Following Pro Choice, Pro-Democracy, Ridiculously Earnest, Breast Cancer Warrior, Animal Lover, Professional Sass Machine. Hi. 👋🏻VOIDSCREAM HEADLINES @CivilianNemo
91 Followers 238 Following I am a fairly convincing biological life form. Mostly human. Mostly.Jay Ray @RayJay37322
0 Followers 25 FollowingTHE ONE TRUE FLY™ �.. @FlyLamosca
6K Followers 6K Following This fly died for your sins. Now go, sin away. Progressive AF. MAGAts can FOAD. Non-theist. Want to turn AZ 💙. Seriously, get off my lawn.Jessica Melissa 🥺�.. @jessicakees2050
126 Followers 1K Following Have you ever Had fun like this? 🇲🇽 🇲🇽, 🇨🇮, 🇫🇷,🇱🇺Bookworm1782 @bookworm1782
499 Followers 1K Following But a Constitution of Government once changed from Freedom, can never be restored. Liberty, once lost, is lost forever. -John Adamsgypsymoth @cowgoesmoooooo
303 Followers 693 Following Reformed scoundrel, atheist, retired, not sociable. No selfie accounts, please. I'm not looking for love.Matt Epley @EpleyTraining
789 Followers 4K Following Strength & Conditioning Coach w/ a 12-to-6 curveball. 🌽 Cornhuskers 🏈 Cubs ⚾️ Literal Ninja 🥷🏻 To-Shin Do 🥋 I'm sorry for what I said when I was religious.Goosie Harnagel 🇺�.. @GoosieHarnagel
468 Followers 1K Following Wife. Mama. LEGO. 4Runner but still love Jeeps. Country When Country Wasn't Cool.sryan212 @sryan212
79 Followers 2K Followingchelsea at €VA* @exmouseketeer
117 Followers 558 Following they call me dagger, chelsea, queen, teenage dirtbag, dream machine, pirate, thief, and worst of all, the scum of the scene, who had a great fallابوجحلل @abuhams18888
975 Followers 4K Following مواطن بسيط متقاعد نشيط من عشاق العميد ومن مدمني حب الوطنAuntie Grizelda @ShezComeUndun
25 Followers 79 Following I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round...Guvhead @Guvhead
284 Followers 2K FollowingDebby @Debby_210
304 Followers 3K Following I'm thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn't have stumbled Across my strengthJanna F Marks @jannafmarks
250 Followers 2K Following Software specialist, retired bike tour operator. 🚲 ❤️ 🧳 // family, flowers, community. daily 🐶 walks.malak fahim @malakfahim57059
195 Followers 856 FollowingBando Sparks 🍑 @bandosparks
239 Followers 506 Following Adult alt 😈 he/him 🏋🏼. Sex positive cishet guy in leggings 🤠 Feminist, BLM, bi, 🏳️🌈 & 🏳️⚧️ ally. Favorite leggings: https://t.co/32qAKsUhUADan S @GramboBastille
188 Followers 827 Following Psychotherapist, Buddhist, Stoic, husband and father. Antiracist and supporter of LGBTQIA+ rights. ☸️🕉️☮️🏳️🌈Agippo @Agippo_Vermith
1K Followers 5K Following Catholique, européen et atlantiste enthousiaste, localiste modéré. Intéressé par les systèmes de gestion, les mathématiques et l'architecture. Plutôt inoffensifEric Jensen @EJens1894
1K Followers 3K Following Happily Married Christian No nudes/"showy" pics/DMs Hunt, Fish, Garden, Books, Cooking, Fitness, Art MAGA NRA Life CNC Machinist NO charity stuff. NO DM's.Lorelei Productions @Lbp11Lp
297 Followers 1K Following Chicago girl in Boston. "In the midst of yahoos and hullabaloos."woodeye2u @woodeye2u
2K Followers 5K Following In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.Elon musk Reeve @__elon_reeve
569 Followers 8K Following Blades Of Glory 𝕏.corp/@teslamotors @spacex@boringcompany NeuralinkOSusie Fierce 🇺🇦.. @SusieFierce
3K Followers 2K Following Liberal woman writer, foodie, travel and music fan. #BidenHarris2024 🌊🌊💙💙 Vote BLUE no matter who!!cassie @Kolly1611243
3 Followers 32 Following Im available for hookup both Incall and outcall service Hmu TELEGRAM:::+19104597194 💦🍑🍆Mjenn4518 @mjenn4518
0 Followers 14 Followingz - imaroo @A_RaneyDay
588 Followers 801 Following Doing my part to turn Texas blue. Bullying is instant block. Atheist Against Christofascism. #TexasHockey Go Stars! No DMsAshley Chapman @momchronicles18
16 Followers 375 Following I’m just a mom that’s been momming for 17 years. I have 5 kids (Jennifer 17 ♏️ Jon 16 ♏️ Justin 14 ♌️ Jessica 7 ♎️ and Jayden 1 ♏️) I done seen it all 💁🏻♀️Devon Home & Garden @DevonHomeGarden
68 Followers 536 Following We provide high quality decoration, gardening and design services in West Devon covering Okehampton, Tavistock, Holsworthy, Torrington and all areas between.Annie Peterson @mistressanniep
19 Followers 132 Following Pierced and tattooed woman with a big booty.Independent curvy lady with a freaky side BDSM lifestyleEyes open America @EyesopenA1
1K Followers 2K FollowingSasky @Sasky_Regina
685 Followers 1K Following Conservative Sask professional who is anonymous to keep friends, colleagues, and family happy. Husband/father/aspiring guitar player.Jaded Hearts 💋 @RouxJanis
2K Followers 3K Following ♐💋☮️ 🇿🇦Single mom. Believer in love & all its magic 💖 Coffee drinker. Life is hard. It's harder if you’re stupid! #letsgrowtogether 🚫NO PORN🚫Vitamins TV @PickvitaminTV
319 Followers 4K Following vitamins and supplements https://t.co/KtVIeUhAKY https://t.co/BxjV6UfEtI https://t.co/4zPQtI1d2H https://t.co/BXCLBLEgzp https://t.co/12U9A1NHFE https://t.co/7EbIfBhAyw https://t.co/IzYOHVYpVlBjörn Fri @bjornfri2020
4K Followers 5K Following Binge thinker, but trying to cut down. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, you're not paying attention. Also cars and Harleys. https://t.co/PGpd1PIcU5White Ash Flies @ColinMahoney15
146 Followers 836 Following An anthology audibly. 🦻🦻🦻 Retweets imply massive endorsement.Adam @adamgreattweet
63K Followers 3K Following Resident physician as seen on Buzzfeed and TV, RTd by Barack Obama. He/HimDadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezburRodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlvMidge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbolJessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal
59K Followers 983 Following Wife of a guy. Mother to spawns. Sugar glider in my bra. Parenting cautionary tale. (she/her)NurseBrianRN @rn_murse
19K Followers 823 Following Singer-Songscreamer I Gay Homosexual I Pubic Figure | Fourth ThingBöb Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke
39K Followers 10K Following Chicago Member FDIC Views are my own because you're not brave enough I write this for fun https://t.co/heH4IlIEWZ I know who DB Cooper is..:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin
55K Followers 3K Following • goth daria vibes • fear does not exist in this bio • muppet enthusiast • reba/dolly 2024 • subscribe •sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4Village Person @SvnSxty
31K Followers 4K Following If you support ethnic cleansing, kindly fuck off 😊 Find me and follow me @SvnSxty on all platforms. my tweets ⤵️fredesque @FredTaming
27K Followers 892 Following black & trans lives matter | stop asian hate | 🏳️🌈 🏳️⚧️ friendly | he/him | fka taming fr*d s*vage |your other mom @difficultpatty
37K Followers 964 Following Bad at hydrangeas. Ibuprofen enthusiast. We write jokes here. https://t.co/sVPCoTC4PwReal Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...That Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
25K Followers 7K Following Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVphnice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following Hopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonzWilde Thingy @wildethingy
31K Followers 2K Following I have nothing to declare except my top tweets - https://t.co/YApmhRImR4Ty @bowsty881
493 Followers 579 FollowingAndi @smiles_and_nods
413 Followers 242 Following Andi 2.0 Lost everyone during my Twitter sabbatical. please follow again.George Takei @GeorgeTakei
3.3M Followers 1K Following I am a parody of myself, if anyone wonders if this is really me.JodingersCat-astrophe @JMoneySlimer
2K Followers 2K Following If you think I post a lot of crap, you should see what I delete: Ghost account for @JodingersCatSaint Vivica, Patron .. @QueenVofCoffee
18K Followers 2K Following DM Room cheerleader & typo goddess. 56% funny. TH: @Conchvegas1 . Avi by ToonMe. Header: @dimplesticks. https://t.co/dRgjRopfud🧦𝚃𝚞𝚋𝚎�.. @TheRealTubesox
495 Followers 666 Following "𝙸 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚊 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝'𝚜 𝚏𝚊𝚛 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎, 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚚𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚠𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚗𝚎𝚊𝚛"💯ℂ𝕣𝕒𝕫�.. @Crazy_ButCute2
248K Followers 14K Following I lift things up and put them down. I love food. I look good naked. link in bio 💁🏼♀️ SLE/Fibro warrior! Every day stronger 💪🏻❤️💯I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇just me but not @justmebutnot1
7K Followers 4K Following Just having fun, tell me a dirty joke. BLM, Resist.Chris Collingwood @lookpark
7K Followers 5K Following [email protected] Singer/songwriter, late of @fountainsofwayn. 380th Greatest of All Time (not that song). Look Park DEBUT OUT NOW on @yeprocCat Gee @CatGee1989
13K Followers 7K Following American Short Tempered 😾 Rabid @ClemsonFB Fan 🐯 #Nurse 👩⚕️ Vinyl Purist.Ben Boven @benboven1
3K Followers 2K Following I write romantic comedies and apocalypse stories featuring the tiny house lifestyle. If that sounds cool, you're weird and I want to meet you.courtneybonneauimages @cbonneauimages
47K Followers 13K Following𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃.. @im_all_id
6K Followers 1K Following middling jokes & existential dread // been seen in a memesnacky 🫧 @candyflippin
6K Followers 3K Following there's more to the world than what i see.. there's more to my life than my eulogyNeil Lowenthal @NeilLowenthal1
27K Followers 22K Following Neil's an alleged comedy writer. He & his twin Mark traffic in political humor & topics of equally bad taste. Contributor @sorrowscopes https://t.co/hjMYXwa7pOJason Pargin, author .. @JasonKPargin
59K Followers 1K Following Author of John Dies at the End & the Zoey Ashe series. Former Editor at https://t.co/rPxhhz6fP4, now: https://t.co/rHIoNS0xCvDarla the Darling @DarlaTheDarling
8K Followers 5K Following Common sense coupled connoisseur of constitutional law and comedic content. I comment on crapola.@AlexNevilAgain @AlexNevilAgain
1K Followers 1K Following I am Elon Musk. You don’t need to parody me. I’m obviously perfectly capable of doing it myself.𝙴𝚗𝚗𝚞𝚒 .. @blueeyesgreene
12K Followers 4K Following let's get out of here ☁️: https://t.co/FXCn4TBLu7 more tweets @ link ⤵️stoned cold fox @roastmalone_
56K Followers 2K Following no milk will EVER be our milk. can’t get enough of me? or just want to say hi? I answer my dms here: https://t.co/FOkADnw5vIOne Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 941 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohjBig, Bad Caffeinated .. @Cafeinated_Dad
7K Followers 4K Following 🇳🇿 Considered a funny parent by @HuffPost @boredpanda and @TODAYshow Considered kinda funny but mostly painful by my kids.Eric Zorn @EricZorn
21K Followers 991 Following Proprietor of the Picayune Sentinel newsletter. Mincing Rascal. Emeritus Chicago. Tribune columnist. Fiddler. Heterodox liberal. [email protected]Chortle Combat @ChortleCombat
349 Followers 252 Following Welcome to Chortle Combat! 👑@UncleDuke1969 long live the king!ely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl
145K Followers 3K Following tv/film writer, comic, queer. host @podshamespiral, copy @iamthirtyaf & co-host @gayshamecomedy- next show 4/16 @unionhallny! mgmt: @zerogravitymgmtKryssi 🇨🇦 @chase_the_high
183K Followers 4K Following • compassion and confidence • adventure awaits • most wholesome, too sexy • randomest • asking questions • the past will save us now • psyopMamusa @TheMamusa
2K Followers 2K Following Short on patience, long on my whiskey pour. Lactose and bullshit intolerant. I will cuss you.Carmella Cannoli @piccolobutt
12K Followers 4K Following I like long walks through the liquor store & chickpeas. Pleasantly oblivious. https://t.co/UPLdA35eHNPunHub @PunHubOnline
265K Followers 554 Following Bringing you HD original puns and dad jokes. Over 2M followers across platforms 🔥 ✉️ [email protected] Pre-order our book below! 📚⬇️meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link beloweLeni @eleniZarro
17K Followers 2K Following Be funny, be kind, but ffs stop saying literally. My best hits: https://t.co/aXLLBNuMx3 🐎 💜Courtney Bonneau 🇵.. @BonneauCourtney
5K Followers 2K Following Photographer of conflict & post-conflict areas. University of Groningen. Photos & jokes mine. https://t.co/ndXD44Qg4IAuntie Social (parody.. @TraciGrrl
5K Followers 5K Following I'm probably going to just post whatever random garbage pops into my mind. I'm so odd I can't even. she/herDonutHawk @StruggleDisplay
18K Followers 1K Following My bio doesn’t exist just like my interest in anything Mark Wahlberg.Son of Dad @Thuggedraccoon
2K Followers 984 Following Still an aspiring retiree. https://t.co/K55MVLQkJwThree for three
You a piss poor husband, murderer and you ugly!?!?! #Dateline
If you’re over 40 and think people your age look old I have some devastating news for you.
I bought some tummy control leggings and they were a total ripoff, I just ate an entire sleeve of cookies. 0 out of 10 tummy control.
My daughter took the bar exam in a second state and just found out she passed. She has court at 3pm so I volunteered to stand in for her so she could go celebrate. She said, “Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t want the judge to think I’m unserious.” So anyway, I’m on my 2nd champagne.
I saw Carol Burnett trending and thought it was her turn with Pete Davidson.
Go ahead and treat yourself to all of the dipping sauces
For security purposes, please yell your credit card number into the phone
fuuuuuuuuck! columbia house found me!! does anyone have $12,726.82 i could borrow?
I never let people see the jar of bacon grease on my counter because it's too sexy for most people to even handle.
"Hell yeah, you're all gonna be jerkin' it to this shit"
The Meemaw actress tells Young Sheldon fans to get their tissues ready for the May 16 series finale. ⤵️ denofgeek.com/tv/annie-potts…
Who is the character you’re slowly turning into?
The Basketball Diaries is a feel-good movie about a talented teen who journals about their chance to play basketball.
from now on when something makes me laugh I'm writing jajaja instead of hahaha
it’s so important to be at least a little bit gay
How many bags of M&M’s is it ok to eat in one night. Is it eight, I’m pretty sure it’s eight.
me: going to the bookstore just to look also me: not buying these books would be financially irresponsible
The early bird gets the breakfast meatballs