Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ... mobile.twitter.com/search?q=from%… United States Joined May 2019-
Tweets119K
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Followers33K
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Following3K
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Likes136K
Real Life Mommy retweeted
and then one day adult beverages means metamucil and pepto bismol
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Real Life Mommy retweeted
Absolutely no one: My 11 year old: so…do you and dad have recreational sex regularly?
Real Life Mommy retweeted
employer: what are your weaknesses me: crab rangoon
Me at 1pm: I have so much self control, this diet is gonna be easy Me at 1am: crap, I ate all the candy again
Real Life Mommy retweeted
My kids are writing a mystery series called mom where did YOU put all the chargers?
Real Life Mommy retweeted
My mental health has improved greatly over the last week. No, I’m not taking medication, I just stopped reading the comments on Facebook.
Real Life Mommy retweeted
if hansel and gretel were millennials
Real Life Mommy retweeted
“This is such a huge financial loss” me, after accidentally dropping a blueberry.
Real Life Mommy retweeted
Thinking of putting our couch on FB Marketplace: seats 4 or approximately 6 large loads of laundry.
Real Life Mommy retweeted
My 6yo just ripped a gnarly fart, asked me if I was ok and casually walked off like nothing happened.
Real Life Mommy retweeted
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, "AAAAAAAHHHHH" 😭💀
Real Life Mommy retweeted
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister's birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Real Life Mommy retweeted
*pours milk over bowl of ibuprofen for breakfast*
Real Life Mommy retweeted
I’ve been sending my husband some of my best jokes and he isn’t laughing at any of them. This is garbage.
Real Life Mommy retweeted
Lately, my 6yo has been putting on a movie, laying down on the couch, and falling asleep a few minutes into the movie. He's already nailed being middle aged.
Real Life Mommy retweeted
me: you know what I think? wife: not really. It's usually dumb AF.
Real Life Mommy retweeted
Met someone the other day who said their favorite color was yellow. What a psycho
Real Life Mommy retweeted
my kid announced she is writing her New York Times bestseller “Dumb Ways to Swing.”
Real Life Mommy retweeted
When I’m waiting in line at the drive thru sometimes I pregame with a purse snack
Real Life Mommy retweeted
Get yourself a girl who prioritizes. My wife left her inhaler at home to make room in her purse for the m&ms we wanted to smuggle into the movie
Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
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McDad @mcdadstuff
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juststopit @kperm
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Andi @smiles_and_nods
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Dis Bitch @TouchTheFloof
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𝕆𝕟𝕖 𝕋𝕠.. @wolfsingleton
363 Followers 338 Following There's gonna be lots of wordplay and foreplay involved. Strap in fucker.
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𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉.. @MoMohler
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Andi @andiindarkmode
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JodingersCat-astrophe @JMoneySlimer
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Jennifer Parker @Mrs_JParker
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Aliette Silva @AlietteSilva
71 Followers 58 Following Aliette Silva🇺🇸🇨🇺 Writer when I'm not chasing my kids👨👩👧👧 Musings from my life🤣🩷 Meme and 🥓 connoisseur✌️ Sign up for my newsletter👇
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Melissa @BallQueenHammer
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DadLiners @DadLiners
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Mommy is Sweary @mommy_is_sweary
16 Followers 5 Followingand then one day adult beverages means metamucil and pepto bismol
Absolutely no one: My 11 year old: so…do you and dad have recreational sex regularly?
employer: what are your weaknesses me: crab rangoon
Y’all, my wife keeps telling me there’s nothing sexier than a man who cleans bathrooms & then vacuums. Is that true, or has she just been saying that to get me to clean bathrooms and vacuum for the past 36 years?
Jumpin into the weekend jumpsuit 💥
@reallifemommy3 Thank you my friend! 🙏🏻❤️
Kicking off my birthday weekend with the good stuff, because I’m worth it. And speaking of birthdays, this is a mighty sweet 16 single malt. Here’s to completing my 58th trip around the sun on Sunday, and to all of you, ‘cause you’re worth it, too. Slaínte, mates! 🥃
My kids are writing a mystery series called mom where did YOU put all the chargers?
My mental health has improved greatly over the last week. No, I’m not taking medication, I just stopped reading the comments on Facebook.
if hansel and gretel were millennials
“This is such a huge financial loss” me, after accidentally dropping a blueberry.
Him: what makes bitters bitter? Me: they lost custody of their children?
Thinking of putting our couch on FB Marketplace: seats 4 or approximately 6 large loads of laundry.
My 6yo just ripped a gnarly fart, asked me if I was ok and casually walked off like nothing happened.
When one door closes, just open it.. No one said it was locked.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, "AAAAAAAHHHHH" 😭💀
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister's birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
*pours milk over bowl of ibuprofen for breakfast*
I’ve been sending my husband some of my best jokes and he isn’t laughing at any of them. This is garbage.
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