baby smith @itsBABYSMITH
i have a penchant for the word penchant twitter.com/search?f=live&… lost angeles Joined September 2009-
Tweets48K
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Followers4K
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Following2K
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Likes52K
Quantum mechanics says this is neither insomnia nor the perfect time to vacuum. It’s both
whoever ordered the boxes must have had a stuffy nose
I think I'm funny. I think I'm so funny I wish I were half as funny as I think I am.
If I look up a recipe for cookie dough to snack on the first ingredient had better not be chickpeas or so help me god
son: what was your first job? me: fuel transfer engineer wife: he was a cashier at a gas station me: yes, that's what I said
Sometimes I struggle to make sense of it all. What's this all for? I mean what's the real meaning? Why are we here? Jeep owners: I drive a Jeep
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we're all going to be like how did we not see this coming
what my boss said: we're all in this together what I heard: everyone here is equally miserable, don't act special
"I'm not a waitress. This is not a restaurant." Then my kids laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’ve been here 12 years and don’t know who any of you are.
If you can’t handle me at my Oxford comma, you don’t deserve me at my semicolon usage.
If I could do it all over again I would experience an overwhelming sense of deja vu.
I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.
I'm a very caring person, but I also have a pretty strong sense of "whatever."
Jeff Goldbloom
I've looked at my watch 3 times in 5 seconds and still can't tell you what time it is
At what age does one stop referring to them as pants and start calling them trousers?
One printing in grayscale emoji please
It has finally happened. I have officially become one with my tater tots.
inspector ratchet @_hood_mona_lisa
19K Followers 7K Following Public menace. Bog Witch. Level 58 Trainwreck. Costco Gold Star Member.
Salty MacTavish 🇺�.. @SaltyMacTavish
13K Followers 9K Following We hardly talk about clams anymore and frankly I’m steamed about it https://t.co/MEeOiowPL2
Matty @bestestname
13K Followers 6K Following Twitter is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you.
The B. @anerdonfire2
37K Followers 14K Following My thoughts were full of other things when I wandered off the path. Dante Alighieri, Inferno
Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsnd
nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following Hopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonz
PieGuy @ilovepie84
30K Followers 6K Following My wife works two jobs so that I can chase my dream of being in a boy band. https://t.co/JhWCxIXYbK
Saint Vivica, Patron .. @QueenVofCoffee
18K Followers 2K Following DM Room cheerleader & typo goddess. 56% funny. TH: @Conchvegas1 . Avi by ToonMe. Header: @dimplesticks. https://t.co/dRgjRopfud
meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link below
Stabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat
61K Followers 4K Following murder and cake. https://t.co/O1Sm1XVNmo
The Ciscokidder @TheCiscoKidder
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Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
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inspector ratchet @_hood_mona_lisa
19K Followers 7K Following Public menace. Bog Witch. Level 58 Trainwreck. Costco Gold Star Member.
Salty MacTavish 🇺�.. @SaltyMacTavish
13K Followers 9K Following We hardly talk about clams anymore and frankly I’m steamed about it https://t.co/MEeOiowPL2
Matty @bestestname
13K Followers 6K Following Twitter is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you.
The B. @anerdonfire2
37K Followers 14K Following My thoughts were full of other things when I wandered off the path. Dante Alighieri, Inferno
Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsnd
nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following Hopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonz
PieGuy @ilovepie84
30K Followers 6K Following My wife works two jobs so that I can chase my dream of being in a boy band. https://t.co/JhWCxIXYbK
Saint Vivica, Patron .. @QueenVofCoffee
18K Followers 2K Following DM Room cheerleader & typo goddess. 56% funny. TH: @Conchvegas1 . Avi by ToonMe. Header: @dimplesticks. https://t.co/dRgjRopfud
meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link below
Stabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat
61K Followers 4K Following murder and cake. https://t.co/O1Sm1XVNmo
The Ciscokidder @TheCiscoKidder
36K Followers 12K Following 99% jokes, 100% Stay home dad, atheist, BLM, feminist, pro LGBTQ+ and left af. https://t.co/HpCbHaktUa
Stefan Urquelle @OfficeofSteve
25K Followers 10K Following you've been smooching with everybody Blocked by https://t.co/SziO9kNFRO https://t.co/DaU98OFAMv
Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
102K Followers 20K Following I’d rather be working on my yard. #envydastrength I retweet regular people. My tweets are here: https://t.co/zOIJ18SHBV
A Dad Influence @gbergan
7K Followers 2K Following Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My posts in this link ⬇️
Rick Aaron @RickAaronNews
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Destry @DestryBrod
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Healer 🤍 @Wordswashim
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dumb people at the ba.. @dumbBANKY
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𝐉𝐢𝐥𝐥 @JillPittsburgh
407 Followers 442 Following Female, retired, Patron Saint of Awkward Silences. Lover of art, peace, love and understanding.
R @RWhiteley1
7K Followers 7K Following Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. https://t.co/PmmvRYohIZ
Máiréad @sunrisechick_
1K Followers 1K Following ... I haven't got it all figured out just yet. 'Cause I got one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a peace sign...✌ NO DM'S . ✏🦋
Helen O'Hara @HelenLOHara
36K Followers 1K Following For film journalist work, please contact [email protected]. My book, Women Vs Hollywood: The Fall And Rise of Women In Film is now on sale.
𝚟𝚊𝚕𝚎𝚛�.. @mydanibear
100 Followers 741 Following wife & forever mommy to our 3 year old daughter in Heaven and our son of the waves. i talk to butterflies & hummingbirds. grace carries me along. 🦋🙏🏻🌈
Mae💫onMars ✨ @spacebatsonmars
3K Followers 5K Following Yeah I can't believe that we're still on this app either.
Patrick @pveronneau
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The Last Unicorn YouK.. @Scorpio1080
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1K Followers 2K Following I'm the nicest and meanest person you'll ever meet. Now fuck off and have a great day.🙃 Homer J Simpson is my hero and life coach
MeganO @megan7oneill
12K Followers 13K Following 🇺🇸🏳️🌈educator, feminist, democrat,fitness, Dogs,traveler, VoteBlue, ClimateCrisis , keep YourReligionToYourself,ProDemocracy, No bitcoin or DMs 🟧
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1K Followers 716 Following 30yr New Yorker turned 17yr Californian. Comedian. Writer. Laugher. Slacker. Disabled. Single mommer. Co-creator of 4 boys.
Brussel Sprouts and B.. @TARDIStourguide
576 Followers 1K Following It's me if you know me if you don't then I'm prob somebody else & who really knows themeselves that well anyway? I might have been a different person all along.
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I just cleaned this r.. @mommyofmanywife
590 Followers 4K Following I'm back and I don't know why. Mother, wife, sister, daughter yet have no idea who I am. Small town girl living in a, well, small town. 🌈🇨🇦🏴☠️
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ɴᴏ ᴄᴜᴛs ɴ�.. @damn_elle
23K Followers 11K Following "𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘶𝘢𝘨𝘦, 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵" - 𝘛𝘶𝘱𝘢𝘤 𝘚𝘩𝘢𝘬𝘶𝘳 💛🌼 #fuckcancerQuantum mechanics says this is neither insomnia nor the perfect time to vacuum. It’s both
If I look up a recipe for cookie dough to snack on the first ingredient had better not be chickpeas or so help me god
son: what was your first job? me: fuel transfer engineer wife: he was a cashier at a gas station me: yes, that's what I said
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we're all going to be like how did we not see this coming
what my boss said: we're all in this together what I heard: everyone here is equally miserable, don't act special
I’ve been here 12 years and don’t know who any of you are.
If you can’t handle me at my Oxford comma, you don’t deserve me at my semicolon usage.
I'm a very caring person, but I also have a pretty strong sense of "whatever."
@itsBABYSMITH You're going to be dehydrating all our tweets to savor over the long winter today, aren't you?
MIA while dealing with COVID. I'm okay. Be back in a few days. Hope you all keep Twitter from imploding.
I've looked at my watch 3 times in 5 seconds and still can't tell you what time it is
At what age does one stop referring to them as pants and start calling them trousers?
It has finally happened. I have officially become one with my tater tots.
Sometimes I sloppy type my password into my work computer and think There’s no way this is gonna work and then it does and it’s like is all this made up?
Undervalued skill- two coworkers maintaining neutral expressions while recounting the most gruesome customer experience while said customer is out of earshot but still in view.
So embarrassing when the person you thought you were on a date with is actually the refrigerator repair guy.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
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