Marl @Marlebean
If you innocently act like you don't know, people will explain dirty words to you and it's hilarious. twitter.com/search?q=from%… in a van down by the river Joined August 2012-
Tweets174K
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Followers40K
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Following7K
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Likes217K
My standard ‘5 more minutes’ of sleep is 1 hour.
My junk drawer is like a museum of things I thought I'd need someday.
Today’s cardio was trying to wave down the server for another drink before happy hour ends
The bigger the chain, the worse the pizza will be.
life would be so much cooler if scary movie music played right before shit goes down
*boomer* she whispers to herself as she looks up a word on urban dictionary
As excited as I am about a new lanyard, it's truly amazing I've ever had sex.
Stress level: breaking out my box of emergency Little Debbie Zebra Cakes.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6. “Your parcel is out for delivery.”
We’re past the struggle bus now. We’re talking the struggle Uber, the struggle airline and the overall struggle to put up with the world’s crap.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but they faked little house on the Prairie
I was joking when I said “poopoo platter” instead of stool sample, but I think I just fumbled my doctor.
ME: Sleep with one eye open JAMES HETFIELD: gripping your pillow tight ME: *scribbling out 'you're a dolphin now’* Yeah, that’s probably better.
My dog’s toxic trait is that he continues walking until he can get a neighboring dog to bark and then he is finished, fully satisfied with himself.
I'm not liking this slow grind apocalypse. Just rip the bandaid off and attack us aliens
The difference between acquaintances and friends is that I have aquaintances.
I’m not saying I’m attractive, but when I take my clothes off in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.
I tried that but I wasn't even sure that's how you spell it.
your other mom @difficultpatty
37K Followers 967 Following Bad at hydrangeas. Ibuprofen enthusiast. We write jokes here. https://t.co/sVPCoTC4Pwsixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
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134 Followers 2K Followingyour other mom @difficultpatty
37K Followers 967 Following Bad at hydrangeas. Ibuprofen enthusiast. We write jokes here. https://t.co/sVPCoTC4Pwsixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
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61K Followers 4K Following murder and cake. https://t.co/O1Sm1XVNmomeghan @deloisivete
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27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
25K Followers 7K Following Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVphBoyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP
102K Followers 20K Following I’d rather be working on my yard. #envydastrength I retweet regular people. My tweets are here: https://t.co/zOIJ18SHBVReal Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness
16K Followers 2K Following Domesticated Husband Father of 2 Ransacking Raccoons.Featured on @netflixfamily @buzzfeed @thedad IG @Chhapiness Shows & Inquiries-https://t.co/F6Q2TKOV1MAnnie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
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891 Followers 760 Following when a clam is slightly slower than a run but faster than a walk. https://t.co/qdIUx46iNRMatt @sucittaM
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373 Followers 916 Following I'm here to let my disgust with the universe fester.My standard ‘5 more minutes’ of sleep is 1 hour.
My junk drawer is like a museum of things I thought I'd need someday.
Today’s cardio was trying to wave down the server for another drink before happy hour ends
I'm at a comedy show about to start. It's me, the comedian, the bar owner, and one random couple. This will either be the funniest thing I've ever seen or an absolute train wreck.
life would be so much cooler if scary movie music played right before shit goes down
*boomer* she whispers to herself as she looks up a word on urban dictionary
As excited as I am about a new lanyard, it's truly amazing I've ever had sex.
Stress level: breaking out my box of emergency Little Debbie Zebra Cakes.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6. “Your parcel is out for delivery.”
We’re past the struggle bus now. We’re talking the struggle Uber, the struggle airline and the overall struggle to put up with the world’s crap.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but they faked little house on the Prairie
I was joking when I said “poopoo platter” instead of stool sample, but I think I just fumbled my doctor.
ME: Sleep with one eye open JAMES HETFIELD: gripping your pillow tight ME: *scribbling out 'you're a dolphin now’* Yeah, that’s probably better.
My dog’s toxic trait is that he continues walking until he can get a neighboring dog to bark and then he is finished, fully satisfied with himself.