Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
Comedian//Comedy Writer Sometimes I write funny stuff so keep checking. https://t.co/QwGtdvzVph twitter.com/search?q=from%… New Jersey, USA Joined January 2011-
Tweets139K
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Followers25K
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Following7K
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Likes135K
I'm not grumpy, I now just have seasoned emotions.
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Dan Regan retweeted
when you really need your toddler to stop asking questions for just two goddamn minutes
I was bored so I gave all of our furniture names. It was nice sitting with Keith the sofa.
My neighbor is leaving in his new Honda. I guess he left on his own Accord.
Dan Regan retweeted
Don't eat Domino's after 40. You'll die.
Dan Regan retweeted
“You know, I could just grab a fish.” “That's not the point, Gerald.”
Dan Regan retweeted
This might be the best tweet ever!
Anyone else say goodbye to their bed and tell it you can't wait to see it again?
Dan Regan retweeted
My daughter is mad at me and just informed me that when she dies her last words will be “my mom is a loser”
Dan Regan retweeted
AI uses British punctuation?!? This has gone too far. I am not kidding.
When I was younger I wanted to be out in the Sun all day. Now I'm Dracula.
Dan Regan retweeted
Am I the only person who can take a bread tie off & not be able to find it literally 3 seconds later?
We started watching "Oppenheimer" today so I look forward to seeing how it ends in 3 weeks.
Dan Regan retweeted
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I'm loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen "to get something."
Do I believe in angels? I don't know. Do I believe in cheese? I can see cheese. Cheese has helped me out in difficult times. Yeah.
Dan Regan retweeted
It's soul crushing explaining to a younger person "Betamax" wasn't a vitamin we took in the 80s.
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171K Followers 69K Following I’m a photographer, pictures here with my copyright on them are my own. 📸 #Nikon #PhotoLove #PhotographyIsArtwhen you really need your toddler to stop asking questions for just two goddamn minutes
@DanRegan_Comedy It's how we start off life, on a cord
@DanRegan_Comedy Sometimes I wonder that if I did let games influence me, then I could have saved my sister from that now strikingly beautiful green witch.
You ever had a meeting you were dreading all week and suddenly, mere hours before, it’s canceled? It’s just… chef’s kiss
“You know, I could just grab a fish.” “That's not the point, Gerald.”
@DanRegan_Comedy Interesting part is that there's a direct correlation between video game time and lower youth violence. The two countries with the highest video game play (USA, S Korea) have the lowest youth violence.
@DanRegan_Comedy @CAV_82 Really, that was my favourite sport ! came 4th in the middleweight category I think my parents were pleased when I didn't take up Grand Theft Auto...
This might be the best tweet ever!
You can't blame video games for what kids do. In the 80s I never had the urge to roll barrels at Italian plumbers.
@DanRegan_Comedy I had the urge to duck hunt. And it led me astray.
@DanRegan_Comedy The whole grand theft auto persona is a sad shame tbf
@DanRegan_Comedy 🔫 you know you wanted to pew pew that smug dog though 😤😅🙃
My daughter is mad at me and just informed me that when she dies her last words will be “my mom is a loser”
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