The Dad @thedad
Welcome to the club. 🔥 https://t.co/E3irT7D7mM 🏆 https://t.co/EFPhC0SEeE 🎮 @thedadgaming United States Joined March 2013-
Tweets20K
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Followers142K
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Following589
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Likes57K
I shot a video for @thedad and someone asked in the comments "how many tries did the toss into the bag take?" Anyway Laura is gonna be unhappy when she sees this and finds out I spilled her Vitamin C on the floor but that's showbiz baby.
Starting to think that leaving this kid behind wasn't an accident.
My favorite annual holiday tradition is being completely blown away by how loud the volume is when my parents watch TV
i wish i was as rich as my 8 yo who just threw away 2 uneaten poptarts because they "looked not right"
I overheard a coworker ranking holiday movies and had “Love, Actually” at No. 1 and “Christmas Vacation” not on the list. I can’t tell if this person is intentionally trolling us all or if this is a "I'm so sorry about your traumatic brain injury" situation
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Grocery shopping is harder than usual, because your goal is to stock up to limit your trips, but your kids' goal is to consume everything in one sitting like it’s a TV show eating challenge.
Dads don't take Christmas decorating... lightly
Took my kids to meet Santa (free) but they were charging $40 for photos, like I’m not carrying my own camera in my pocket. And sure, they said no phones, but what are they gonna do? Santa ain't gonna break character with a huge line watching like that.
The day after Thanksgiving is even better than the actual holiday, because you get to have another full Thanksgiving meal without worrying what your weird uncle is going to say next.
People need to stop acting like leftovers are a given. My cousin (who didn’t cook shit) showed up at Thanksgiving with three of his own giant Tupperware containers so he could pillage before anyone even grabs seconds. Feel like grandma should send him a bill for that
Giving my guests all of the leftover meat to take home with them this year because I'm quitting cold turkey.
Ah yes, my favorite Thanksgiving tradition - pretending to be extremely invested in football to avoid getting involved in whatever argument my family has chosen this year.
Watching my kids make friends with everyone at the playground
Trying to think of something my wife can get me for Christmas because I'm an adult and I just buy the things that I want throughout the year
My kid just told me she has a project due tomorrow so I’m helping her the same way I did it when I was her age (I’m calling my mom)
There actually is a war on Christmas and I’m not even kidding. I have a real tree and my neighbor saw me setting it up so he FREAKED OUT, shouting stuff like “hey that’s from my yard” and “you can’t cut down my trees!” and it’s like bro, let me do the holiday my way
Once you’ve been married long enough, any larger-than-normal purchase made within two months of Christmas counts as your present to each other. Like, this year, I "got" my wife braces for our 12-year-old.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big! Me, quietly to myself: don't say it, don't say it, don't say it... My kid: So have you! Me: There it is
Showing a soon-to-be dad how to change a diaper
Simon Holland @simoncholland
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years. Me: still calling it Twitter.
me: you gotta start studying for your driver's permit if you want to get it this summer! I'll help you! 14: idk it seems like a lot of work.
Sometimes I’ll go scroll back through my open browser tabs just to reminisce about who I was 5 months ago
As someone who regularly indulges in podcasts that are 3 times longer than they ever needed to be, I get it, Swifties.
so is it like, worse than looking at the sun for a second or two on a regular day? because let's not act like we all haven't sneaked a peak at the big guy a few times. get real.
Hey GenX, remember when we were kids and we used to talk back to our parents, yeah me neither.
Don’t forget to save all 500 of those blurry pics you took of the eclipse today. Your future grandkids are gonna wanna hear all about it.
Oh no I had one strong drink and now I'm drunk which feels like a great time to give some encouragement. If you're having a rough time, leave comment and I'll try to send you an encouraging video via DM. Lmk if you want it to be about a specific thing or just general pep. OK ilu
Breakfast pasta should be a thing, I’m making it a thing.
People who upload pictures of menus to Yelp and Google are the unsung heroes of modern day society.
hi sharks im asking for a small investment of all of your money i have a gun
Oh man… my grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense
Found this on the side of the road. Not sure what happened here, but I'm pretty sure it was the worst day of someone's life.
You know how in movies when someone is missing they’re like, “did they have a special place they liked to go, maybe to be alone?” For my wife that place is a shopping center close by that has a Marshalls, a TJ Maxx, a HomeGoods, and a Chicken Salad Chick.
Every current mom of a young child has at least one post from a Facebook moms group that they never stop thinking about.
BAD NEWS: Went in for a handshake but my boss tried to fist bump GOOD NEWS: I'm 1-0 against him in rock, paper, scissors
I like to bring Deviled eggs to a party because it's not for everyone, but people who like Deviled eggs will be like "Hell yeah, deviled eggs"
“It’s a dog door, a DOG door. Now, one more time, what are you?” [sigh] “I’m a horse.” “That’s right Jim, you’re a horse.”
if you’re on a boeing flight it’s not cringe anymore to clap when the plane lands.
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