McDad @mcdadstuff
I like dad jokes and I cannot lie. https://t.co/bbtLUiYKKg Find more of my tweets here ⬇️ twitter.com/search?q=from%… Joined December 2021-
Tweets18K
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Followers9K
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Following2K
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Likes60K
That feeling when you wake up with absolutely no idea what day it is and then finally remember it’s Saturday. Can we bottle that up and sell it?
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My teen seems so shocked when I already know a meme that she knows
McDad retweeted
The cruelest prank on mankind was making bumblebees look so huggable and fluffy but with a poison butt sword.
You ever had a meeting you were dreading all week and suddenly, mere hours before, it’s canceled? It’s just… chef’s kiss
McDad retweeted
Two guys at work got in a fistfight so there's no way we're doing anything but talking about this for the rest of the day.
McDad retweeted
If I have to switch from the heat to the ac one more time this week, I’m pretty sure it’s going to open a portal to another dimension.
McDad retweeted
Why do I check my voicemail?...1% to hear the message....99% To get rid of that annoying icon
Surely not the same kid who trashed my car for 16 years telling me not to bring trash in her car
McDad retweeted
School bullies these days be like Venmo me yo lunch money.
I had a rapid succession triple sneeze while driving and somehow managed to keep myself alive
McDad retweeted
It was going so well until she saw my Chewbacca plushie and said "aww I used to love Sesame Street too"
McDad retweeted
It’s unfair that we have earth day, but no day dedicated to wind or fire.
McDad retweeted
First Question of the Day True or False? Texting your children is like dating someone who isn't into you.
McDad retweeted
Me: [my first day working on a viking ship] do you guys have a heating pad
Saw a 97 year old man out on the dance floor this weekend, proving that at any age men can still be peer pressured into getting on the dance floor
My daughter told me I wasn’t hip anymore, so I’m hoping to fix that Doctor: Sir, I think you’re misunderstanding what hip replacement surgery is
I don’t think I can go out tonight. My phone battery is at 73%
Not to brag, but I’m having a record-setting week of getting food on my shirts
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