A Dad Influence @gbergan
Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My posts here ⬇️ twitter.com/search?q=from%… USA Joined December 2007-
Tweets20K
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Followers7K
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Following2K
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Likes27K
A Dad Influence retweeted
No one’s more of a meteorologist than a dad going to a baseball game.
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TBH, “phoning it in” still sounds like a lot of work.
A Dad Influence retweeted
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
A Dad Influence retweeted
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
A Dad Influence retweeted
Do men’s ears actually work or they just for show?
A Dad Influence retweeted
God inventing the duck: Give that waterproof chicken a kazoo
A Dad Influence retweeted
Any man who wants a Wife obviously hasn't had one before
A Dad Influence retweeted
as a youth you never truly understand until you get there - the adult love for a recliner
A Dad Influence retweeted
If avoiding people at the store was a professional sport, I could be a 1st round draft pick.
A Dad Influence retweeted
Do the cops storming colleges not realize that this will only lead to more folk music?
A Dad Influence retweeted
Am I getting older or is the grocery store music getting better ? 🤔
A Dad Influence retweeted
I'm best man at my buddy's second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone"?
Not to brag, but I cracked an egg without dropping any of the shell into the bowl like some kinda wizard.
A Dad Influence retweeted
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
A Dad Influence retweeted
Fortune favors the bold I mutter as I bite into the cookie not sure if the dark chunks are chocolate chips or raisins
A Dad Influence retweeted
The secret to parenting is not to let your children find out you don’t actually know what you’re doing most of the time and are just winging it as you go.
A Dad Influence retweeted
When I die and my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it skips all the times I tried and failed to parallel park.
A Dad Influence retweeted
My personal style can best be described as hoping I don’t run into anyone I know.
A Dad Influence retweeted
The biggest lie 90s dudes told was that there was something in that wallet that made it worth chaining up
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Cali @calidaysay
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My friend made the mistake of hiring a clown for her six year old son's birthday party. He was completely traumatised and hasn't worked as a clown since.
No one’s more of a meteorologist than a dad going to a baseball game.
If my son started a band, it would be called The Rattling Doorknobs, named after the only 'instrument' he can 'play'.
You can’t get a toy every time we go to the store, I tell my kids as I eye a new water bottle
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
My toxic trait is waving to you when both your hands are full of grocery bags
Sleeping under one of these in the summer growing up was so comforting
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Do men’s ears actually work or they just for show?
I thought I heard the ice cream truck but it was the dryer chime.
God inventing the duck: Give that waterproof chicken a kazoo
Any man who wants a Wife obviously hasn't had one before
Woah. 30 likes? So this is what it's like going viral.
Sure Earth gets a whole month to celebrate it but Pluto doesn’t get to be a planet anymore
as a youth you never truly understand until you get there - the adult love for a recliner
If avoiding people at the store was a professional sport, I could be a 1st round draft pick.
Do the cops storming colleges not realize that this will only lead to more folk music?
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