A Dad Influence @gbergan
Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My posts here ⬇️ twitter.com/search?q=from%… USA Joined December 2007-
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No one’s more of a meteorologist than a dad going to a baseball game.
TBH, “phoning it in” still sounds like a lot of work.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Do men’s ears actually work or they just for show?
God inventing the duck: Give that waterproof chicken a kazoo
Any man who wants a Wife obviously hasn't had one before
as a youth you never truly understand until you get there - the adult love for a recliner
If avoiding people at the store was a professional sport, I could be a 1st round draft pick.
Do the cops storming colleges not realize that this will only lead to more folk music?
Am I getting older or is the grocery store music getting better ? 🤔
I'm best man at my buddy's second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone"?
Not to brag, but I cracked an egg without dropping any of the shell into the bowl like some kinda wizard.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Fortune favors the bold I mutter as I bite into the cookie not sure if the dark chunks are chocolate chips or raisins
The secret to parenting is not to let your children find out you don’t actually know what you’re doing most of the time and are just winging it as you go.
When I die and my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it skips all the times I tried and failed to parallel park.
My personal style can best be described as hoping I don’t run into anyone I know.
The biggest lie 90s dudes told was that there was something in that wallet that made it worth chaining up
Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezburMcDad @mcdadstuff
9K Followers 2K Following I like dad jokes and I cannot lie. https://t.co/bbtLUiYKKg Find more of my tweets here ⬇️Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbolRodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlvJessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link below@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfKReal Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
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16K Followers 2K Following Domesticated Husband Father of 2 Ransacking Raccoons.Featured on @netflixfamily @buzzfeed @thedad IG @Chhapiness Shows & Inquiries-https://t.co/F6Q2TKOV1Msixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
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10K Followers 9K Following Pale as Wonder Bread. Laughter IS the best medicine! Writes stuff. https://t.co/MCQmU7lU88J. Dalton @JDaltonAuthor
4K Followers 3K Following Leukemia survivor. #Scifi Author of the Gates to the Galaxies! series. Read 1st chapters here FREE! https://t.co/evcG48upLASin & Tonic 🇨🇦 @CrownsAndThings
14K Followers 8K Following Hi, I’m human and it hurts. Not a dude. Live, laugh, toaster bath. A-romantic. She/her. #AbortionRightsAreHumanRightsAmy @AmysGotBirds
6K Followers 6K Following Thank you for the gift of your advice. By any chance, did you keep the receipt?Patrick Sheil @Patrick08752
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0 Followers 43 Following Join me. No narcissistic leader. No weird sex stuff.evelyn lee @hedieirawan
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1K Followers 2K Following My name is Diana, and I have extensive experience and resources in investment finance. I like golf, swimming, traveling, and reading.🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲Cuddables.in @cuddablesin
42 Followers 132 Following Join us in embracing a nurturing journey where every cuddables is an expression of care and purity .#Cuddables #BabyCare #Vegan #ToxinFree #NaturalIngredientsB @Seattlestella
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6 Followers 142 FollowingMohd. Imran (乇мմ�.. @TheSoulfulEMU
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229 Followers 953 Following made the cut on post. mom to #myweefi southern gal, event planner, love all things travel / art / history / food & gracious entertaining #voteblue #blmPaul V. Rea @PaulVRea
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1K Followers 1K Following Kindness is free-sprinkle that shit everywhere. I'm a super hero on here.. I am not a bot.. Here is my cashapp name..Lisa kitson @lisa6829
57 Followers 2K Following I meant to say on my profile ! (I joined twitter in 2010 and my birth age which I don’t mind disclosing it ,27-10-1970Max von Side-Eye @SvenTystnad
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480 Followers 813 Following Philokalist. Mountain-dweller in spirit. Appreciator of art. Living, always, in Love.MUSHROOMS CHOCOLATE B.. @mushrooms51336
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21K Followers 21K Following We are an independent publisher of horror, bizarro, erotic horror, dark erotica, poetry, and associated anthologies.Lorie @LorieGZ
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282 Followers 503 Following Boy mom. SMU Mustang, passionate about kids, education, community, the Sonoran Desert and rescue dogs.Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezburMcDad @mcdadstuff
9K Followers 2K Following I like dad jokes and I cannot lie. https://t.co/bbtLUiYKKg Find more of my tweets here ⬇️Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbolRodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlvJessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link below@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfKReal Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇Kevin The Dad @kevinthedad
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14K Followers 942 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohjNicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*Vinod Chhaproo @Chhapiness
16K Followers 2K Following Domesticated Husband Father of 2 Ransacking Raccoons.Featured on @netflixfamily @buzzfeed @thedad IG @Chhapiness Shows & Inquiries-https://t.co/F6Q2TKOV1Msixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsndDan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy
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5K Followers 2K Following I’ve seen spirits since I was six. 5’11 Dirt track racing ❤️love music, animals, nature! NO DMS!!Did I mention that I’m a pyro 🧨 I’m taken!!Dwight Yoakums Tiny P.. @wtfdidujussay
1K Followers 5K Following if you’re gonna be dumb ya gotta be tough.B @Seattlestella
933 Followers 2K Following retired teenager stuck in old woman's body. still not sure what color my parachute is?LorazeKim ™ 🏴.. @_KimberleyAnna
1K Followers 912 Following Villainous, cantankerous. They call me NightHawk. I’m everywhere. I’m nowhere. If I don’t text back it’s ‘cause I’m helping Batman, baby #FuckCancer🇨🇦ƬӨЯᄃΉI�.. @kingtorc
11K Followers 11K Following Family, Friends, Music & Motorcycles. Laughter is the cure - Winnipeg Born @nhljets @chiefsMiss Conduct @serenehavoc
13K Followers 1K Following Rules are for people who don't know what to do.CJ and the Brew @youarethejokes
664 Followers 572 Following Thots and prayers for you in these difficult times. Unserious inquiries only.Deebs @DeebsFLA
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20K Followers 11K Following The witch is back ! No Dick pics or I’ll share and mock with my friends. Busy introverting. sipping bourbon & love my Phillies ❤️⚾️Garry Gray @GarryJGray
3K Followers 4K Following A #NZ born, #QLDER living in #Sydney with the FPM. A love of #Tech, #Travel #Humour #Rugby #WRC #F1 #Leadership & #Sports. #QueeNZlander Views are my own.Alison the Read @alisontheread
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3K Followers 1K FollowingSpellbound @Spell_boundd
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10K Followers 9K Following Pale as Wonder Bread. Laughter IS the best medicine! Writes stuff. https://t.co/MCQmU7lU88Ellen @ellenroberts1
19K Followers 21K Following Pick me a single flower because you want to, instead of a dozen roses because you have to. https://t.co/e2sEt4kJKRTired Mom @TiredMomma7
2K Followers 1K Following Just a mom looking to vent a little but doesn't have anyone to talk to. 💙 #SAHM #PCOS #PCOSmom #infertilityDr. Jeff Computers @JeffMyspace
6K Followers 4K Following Opinions are not my own. I have no control over tweets; all living things exist without reason. https://t.co/LkXHTi67eyPaul 🤦♂️ @paulsquire1970
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34K Followers 19K Following Slightly past middle-age Dad & Husband. Author of my pinned tweet. How 'bout them O's! Go Terps! Literary idiot. Baseball fanatic. 96% humor, 4% other stuff.Amy @AmysGotBirds
6K Followers 6K Following Thank you for the gift of your advice. By any chance, did you keep the receipt?scha·den·freu·de @BlisterPearl
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2K Followers 2K Following pasta enthusiast, lite beer enjoyer actually born yesterdayRonald Singleterry, M.. @Singleterry
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6K Followers 5K Following Be Kind to each other. Life is not a competition I don’t know what is going on 🚫No DmJ. Dalton @JDaltonAuthor
4K Followers 3K Following Leukemia survivor. #Scifi Author of the Gates to the Galaxies! series. Read 1st chapters here FREE! https://t.co/evcG48upLAAaron Jack Arts @aaronjackarts
11K Followers 12K Following Artist+Interviewer+Producer Web3. Photos published Forbes,NYT,Vice,Slate,TIME,CNN,NPR. https://t.co/yvtFCnSGLj https://t.co/IojSF4yXv0BroonsTheBoxcarDrifte.. @ChefCurmudgeony
1K Followers 1K Following out there somewhere, park spooning.Lori - Breaker of Cur.. @lori_socal
14K Followers 4K Following Freedom. Comedy. *Please use animal references when describing the size of something. Thank you. 🚫porn. https://t.co/O75o749vNuFUNNY TWEETS @JokesMemesFacts
1.4M Followers 32 Following Mostly funny tweets memes jokes sometimes love and relationship quotes and life factspeach 🍑🇵🇸 @peachontwitta
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22K Followers 14K Following Former Ruckus Causing Redhead. Now embracing the gray and content to be the grande dame of Boomity.Nicki💗 @AwkwardAndOdd
60K Followers 805 Following Dancer. Daydreamer. Potato thief. Hobbit 🏴https://t.co/In29O5zzYSMax von Side-Eye @SvenTystnad
10K Followers 8K Following I like to watch movies, eat cheese, and brag about it. Writing stories now and publishing on https://t.co/KQItLk3TAG 💁♂️ #FilmTwitter #HumoristX❤Danomaly❤️X @DatWalshGurl
1K Followers 1K Following Kindness is free-sprinkle that shit everywhere. I'm a super hero on here.. I am not a bot.. Here is my cashapp name..Cali @calidaysay
3K Followers 2K Following Blessed are the curious, for they shall have adventures. 🏝⚓️✈️☀️ Rarely check my DM’s. Happily taken. 🩷James Breakwell, Expl.. @XplodingUnicorn
944K Followers 840 Following Father of daughters. Owner of pigs. Writer of books: https://t.co/V7JWbsTXJ9Lorie @LorieGZ
7K Followers 3K Following I love to tweet things my kids say, or random funny thoughts in my head (at least they seem funny to me!) https://t.co/unZKfrArCoDestry @DestryBrod
18K Followers 16K Following Not quite cool enough to be Canadian.I live close enough to Canada to smell the healthcare. Pretty liberal, pretty democratic not that pretty tho. pro choice.My friend made the mistake of hiring a clown for her six year old son's birthday party. He was completely traumatised and hasn't worked as a clown since.
No one’s more of a meteorologist than a dad going to a baseball game.
If my son started a band, it would be called The Rattling Doorknobs, named after the only 'instrument' he can 'play'.
You can’t get a toy every time we go to the store, I tell my kids as I eye a new water bottle
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
My toxic trait is waving to you when both your hands are full of grocery bags
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Do men’s ears actually work or they just for show?
I thought I heard the ice cream truck but it was the dryer chime.
God inventing the duck: Give that waterproof chicken a kazoo
Any man who wants a Wife obviously hasn't had one before
Woah. 30 likes? So this is what it's like going viral.
Sure Earth gets a whole month to celebrate it but Pluto doesn’t get to be a planet anymore
as a youth you never truly understand until you get there - the adult love for a recliner
If avoiding people at the store was a professional sport, I could be a 1st round draft pick.
Do the cops storming colleges not realize that this will only lead to more folk music?