Martin Pilgrim @MartinPilgrim1
Joke writer and postal worker Bristol, UK Joined March 2013-
Tweets3K
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Followers23K
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Following9K
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Likes5K
Don’t hire a clown for your child’s birthday party. Some things are too frightening to be allowed near clowns.
I wish there were other property trading board games besides Monopoly. It shouldn't be allowed to dominate the market like that.
It's strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That's just watching paint that's already dry.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I'm 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren't my strong point.
Other comedians: "I'm writing for a couple of panel shows and working on my sitcom pilot." Me: "Someone replied to one of my tweets with a GIF of Morgan Freeman clapping."
My mum always said that if she wanted something done right she would do it herself. That advice has stuck with me to this day. If I want something done right, I still ask my mum to do it.
Rear Window is such a great film. My neighbour across the street watches it all the time.
My mum kept telling me my bathroom needed cleaning so I decided to hire a professional. This professional mum is much less critical.
I would've loved to have been a detective during the era when people's watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it's all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I found my plumber on Google. I told him to stop using my computer and get back to work.
I'm happy to watch any film with Timothée Chalamet. I know he's busy, but the offer is always there.
I'm sitting opposite Five Guys and Claire's Accessories, both of which were also rejected names for the band Steps.
I am one of stand-up's great storytellers. No matter the gig, I will always come up with a convincing story about why the audience didn't warm to me.
Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2Matty @bestestname
13K Followers 6K Following Twitter is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you.nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following Hopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonzJason Not Evil @JasonNotEvil
17K Followers 4K Following Screenwriter and fart joke enthusiast Popular tweets: https://t.co/cVlfPJFRBKStefan Urquelle @OfficeofSteve
25K Followers 10K Following you've been smooching with everybody Blocked by https://t.co/SziO9kNFRO https://t.co/DaU98OFAMvADHDean @ADHDeanASL
23K Followers 5K Following BLACK LIVES MATTER. Husband, dad, friend. Ally. ASL Interpreter. Doofus. Midvale School for the Gifted alum. Mastodon: [email protected]A Dad Influence @gbergan
7K Followers 2K Following Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My posts in this link ⬇️Nate Limit Exceeded @.. @perlhack
22K Followers 6K Following @natesmith.jawns.club homeless pirate. sustainable, carbon-neutral tweets. butterfly whisperer. official soup taster. likes LEGOs BLM. He/Him.Katie D @KatieDeal99
16K Followers 2K Following Bios are hard. On Instagram as katiedeal99 https://t.co/iMruSPyTavFomo Simpson @HaliPhacks
8K Followers 3K Following Keeping it funny on Twitter since its early days as a radio show. My tweets ➡️ https://t.co/Z2tnWjzeDxThe Ciscokidder @TheCiscoKidder
36K Followers 12K Following 99% jokes, 100% Stay home dad, atheist, BLM, feminist, pro LGBTQ+ and left af. https://t.co/HpCbHaktUacap’n watsisname @capnwatsisname
11K Followers 2K Following slowly backing away. TOP TWEETS: https://t.co/K8oKqyuL84 click below for recent. I’m the same guy at the other places.PieGuy @ilovepie84
30K Followers 6K Following My wife works two jobs so that I can chase my dream of being in a boy band. https://t.co/JhWCxIXYbKBlue Berrymore @BerrymoreBlue
18K Followers 4K Following Sarcasm and Anxiety. I love dad jokes and mom bods.Daveastated @Daveastated
7K Followers 1K Following Now I am become Dave, the destroyer of words. *Inventor of the flinglong* I only sleep to give my phone a breakFelicia @LostFelicia
42K Followers 5K Following LOST on Oceanic flight 815 ♥ @LuvPugFDN ♥ IG: felicia815 New tweets: https://t.co/SULps6ecxteLeni @eleniZarro
17K Followers 2K Following Be funny, be kind, but ffs stop saying literally. My best hits: https://t.co/aXLLBNuMx3 🐎 💜James Strachan @strachan_j
319 Followers 571 Following Chief Executive Eastleigh Borough Council, Returning Officer for Eastleigh, Southampton JP.Chris J @ChrisJ186194
2 Followers 74 FollowingGerry Steadman @Gilzean9
28 Followers 75 FollowingPhilip Collins @PhilipFCollins
8 Followers 144 FollowingJeny @Jeny246985
0 Followers 16 FollowingIan Statham @reluctantjoiner
404 Followers 1K Following I'm on the pavement thinking about the government...Sally Hawken @SallyHawken
1K Followers 2K FollowingMatthew Clark @clarkymme
132 Followers 391 FollowingMark Hiseman @sniffermark
67 Followers 614 Following Somerset born (Somerset CCC), Yorkshire upbringing (Leeds United), Kent living (...).Tim Windle @TimWindle
565 Followers 973 Following Cllr for @Clapham and @Lambethlabour DCM for Housing and Neighbourhoods. Works in programme management in the @NHSEngland cancer team. Opinions are my own.Niko 🇺🇦 @ZebedeeFunkyMop
3K Followers 5K Following Follows and Retweets are not necessarily endorsements. Users who troll may be ignored, muted or blocked. Likes free speech. Also animals. Hates fake news.SandroC @SandroC2020
103 Followers 1K Following School leadership. Interested in curriculum, innovation, inclusion, behaviour & development. Views my own.Simon Ward @siwardsport
1K Followers 3K Following Sport, sponsorship, partnerships, advertising and brand analysis from the UK. Insight Editor @ALFInsight. North London and West Country vibes.Oregano Jones, Law En.. @OreganoJeauxns
417 Followers 977 Following admitted lawyer. alumnus of UQ, QUT. father and chronic shitposter. ☕🍕😾🍷Deb @muckypup
1K Followers 533 Following Header drawn by the brilliant @smolrobots // Tips gratefully received: https://t.co/lJzNYam2Bp // Threads: @debrud // Bluesky: @muckypup // She/her.DaveT @dttindall
51 Followers 626 FollowingMaurice Fantastique @MFantastique_
186 Followers 930 Following Je suis le grand fromager d'Internet. Crains moi! - Hufflepuff.🐼HuntyWiz @HuntyWiz
2K Followers 3K Following Welcome to my problems, it's not an invitation. This is my dilemma & it's my obsession.The LLM Sherpa (free/.. @LLMSherpa
3K Followers 1K Following A.I., torrents, piracy & privacy, cultural archival. Formerly crypto FA/vetting. Recensio praesentata sine praemonitione; Latina scripta sine intellectu.Ketsina💫✨ @_ketsina_
2K Followers 1K FollowingGem 💙 @RPGgemsUK
2K Followers 1K Following copywriter | writing, books, cats & gaming (esp. BG3, Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Assassin's Creed, Skyrim, Greedfall & Cyberpunk2077) she/herbig Seb @sabzsgizo
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8 Followers 312 Following Writer of all things fictional; semi-confessions of an aspiring liar; a professional with no good works to professTIARA LUPER 19XX @TIARALUPER
3K Followers 3K Following “Life is too short to live the same day twice. So each new day make sure you live your life.” #EST4Life ツ $TiaraLuperPEACE OF MIND @_simplyoasis
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0 Followers 5 FollowingMelissa 🍋 @melissaglitter
335 Followers 3K FollowingValMarie 🟧 🟦 @val_marie7
14K Followers 15K Following Just a Small Wave in a Big Ocean 🌊#BeAGoodHuman #FreePalestine 🇵🇸 #HelpUkraine 🇺🇦#MeidasMighty 💙 #StopYulin🐾🐾 #EDM 🎶 نصف لبناني فخور DM=BLOCKEDEmily Green @EmilyGreen2019
84 Followers 1K Following Always hungry. Can finish most any eighties lyric. Mostly whimsy, dash of snark. Introvert/Anglophile/Dork/Cook/TV Fiend. Married to Jon.Steve V and 75 others @Steve_Van_Hagen
231 Followers 679 Following But whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. - Mt 5:22Nandan Boal @nboal
2K Followers 2K FollowingThe Knowledge @TheKnowledgeUK
11K Followers 4K Following The Knowledge is the definitive source of suppliers, crew and companies within UK Film, TV, and commercials production. Also home of Production Intelligence.Mike Brice @MikeBrice
2K Followers 324 Following Managing Editor @toledonews Story tips: [email protected] DM for Signal.Vinay Kumaar @WhatteKarvaad
3K Followers 1K Following Gult by birth. Ex-Kannadiga by choice. Tam at heart. Now TRUE SOUTH INDIAN because my wife has Mallu roots. Co-wrote A Game of Pawns - a crime fiction novella.Rohit (he/they) 🏳�.. @desijourno
10K Followers 1K Following WARNING: I'm an accumulated taste. Speak my mind. Learning to speak only when necessary. Views are personal, retweets are sarcastic & for the rest - who cares?Claire Knapman @KnappersC
16 Followers 290 Followingmindz (she/her) @neurarchitect
163 Followers 442 Following vibin ✌🏼 • founder & CEO @ biotecture inc. • avid gardener • STEMinist • humanist • biotech • architecture • designSuzbuerklin @suzbuerklin
44 Followers 520 FollowingKimberly Gayle @babygirlrott
457 Followers 1K FollowingAnnie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO
48K Followers 6K Following Tall, pale, relentlessly cheerful. https://t.co/vhLLPJmuO2Matty @bestestname
13K Followers 6K Following Twitter is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you.nice things I say to .. @meantomyself
28K Followers 8K Following Hopeful idiot | your big suburban | Log Lady | X's hottest mom™️ | tired founder. Not funny or young enough to write tweets for Clorox. avi @popartcartoonzJason Not Evil @JasonNotEvil
17K Followers 4K Following Screenwriter and fart joke enthusiast Popular tweets: https://t.co/cVlfPJFRBKStefan Urquelle @OfficeofSteve
25K Followers 10K Following you've been smooching with everybody Blocked by https://t.co/SziO9kNFRO https://t.co/DaU98OFAMvADHDean @ADHDeanASL
23K Followers 5K Following BLACK LIVES MATTER. Husband, dad, friend. Ally. ASL Interpreter. Doofus. Midvale School for the Gifted alum. Mastodon: [email protected]A Dad Influence @gbergan
7K Followers 2K Following Most of my followers are bots. You're probably not even real. My posts in this link ⬇️Nate Limit Exceeded @.. @perlhack
22K Followers 6K Following @natesmith.jawns.club homeless pirate. sustainable, carbon-neutral tweets. butterfly whisperer. official soup taster. likes LEGOs BLM. He/Him.Katie D @KatieDeal99
16K Followers 2K Following Bios are hard. On Instagram as katiedeal99 https://t.co/iMruSPyTavFomo Simpson @HaliPhacks
8K Followers 3K Following Keeping it funny on Twitter since its early days as a radio show. My tweets ➡️ https://t.co/Z2tnWjzeDxThe Ciscokidder @TheCiscoKidder
36K Followers 12K Following 99% jokes, 100% Stay home dad, atheist, BLM, feminist, pro LGBTQ+ and left af. https://t.co/HpCbHaktUacap’n watsisname @capnwatsisname
11K Followers 2K Following slowly backing away. TOP TWEETS: https://t.co/K8oKqyuL84 click below for recent. I’m the same guy at the other places.PieGuy @ilovepie84
30K Followers 6K Following My wife works two jobs so that I can chase my dream of being in a boy band. https://t.co/JhWCxIXYbKBlue Berrymore @BerrymoreBlue
18K Followers 4K Following Sarcasm and Anxiety. I love dad jokes and mom bods.Daveastated @Daveastated
7K Followers 1K Following Now I am become Dave, the destroyer of words. *Inventor of the flinglong* I only sleep to give my phone a breakFelicia @LostFelicia
42K Followers 5K Following LOST on Oceanic flight 815 ♥ @LuvPugFDN ♥ IG: felicia815 New tweets: https://t.co/SULps6ecxtGem 💙 @RPGgemsUK
2K Followers 1K Following copywriter | writing, books, cats & gaming (esp. BG3, Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Assassin's Creed, Skyrim, Greedfall & Cyberpunk2077) she/herRanthony A. Clark, Ph.. @RanthonyClark
10K Followers 365 Following Math PhD. NSF Postdoc at Duke. (Commutative) Algebraist. TDA convert. Quantitative Justice. Goal: increase access to STEM through community engaged scholarship.Conor Smith @conorsmith
2K Followers 425 Following Software engineer and proud owner of six copies of Willennium │ he/himThe LLM Sherpa (free/.. @LLMSherpa
3K Followers 1K Following A.I., torrents, piracy & privacy, cultural archival. Formerly crypto FA/vetting. Recensio praesentata sine praemonitione; Latina scripta sine intellectu.Mark Barclay @markiceni
1K Followers 2K Following Lawyer. Tourist. Hispanophile. Fan of vintage Lambretta scooters. Wine enthusiast. NCFC sufferer 💛💚@Lincolnsinn @LSWUnited @SocialistLawyerbig Seb @sabzsgizo
7K Followers 2K Following an evil man. master of inanities. acclaimed shit poaster. zim man. dead beat dad. husband.I don't usually do th.. @I_8_it_here
2K Followers 2K Following Christian | Engineer | Writer | Animator | Developer | 4'8 King ||| Pop-culture | Comics | Video-games | Movies | Animation | Astronomy | Scripts | PsychologyThomas O'Malley™ @Thomas_OMalley2
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2K Followers 1K FollowingBuffering Juffy 😷 @BufferingJuffy
2K Followers 1K Following Jewish mom of kind boys. Queer, cis woman. Proud SJW. I love Buffy and Bowie. She/Her. #Buffering @bufferingjuffy.bsky.socialAstrid (Arc-Having Ar.. @deathbian
3K Followers 5K Following hot even by mime standards, 23, bonkproof, heavyweight champion of lesbianism gf, birthday girl until further notice, jemma topaz approved, 1 divided by cougarkerry @sonic_highways
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8K Followers 4K Following I miei amici di Gallarate sono con me // @vox2boxPOOPSCRUFFIN4U (alpha.. @POOPSCRUFFIN4U
12K Followers 3K Following i can't read or count. triple threat, baybeeeeee(((Rubie))) @alexrubner
6K Followers 2K Following 45th-generation Roman. Fat Man In An Overcoat #COYSSimon Schama @simon_schama
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1K Followers 647 Following I could, fire you up, flame you down, and then laugh at your idiocy. It's only a matter of would or should. #RapatkanSAFTIARA LUPER 19XX @TIARALUPER
3K Followers 3K Following “Life is too short to live the same day twice. So each new day make sure you live your life.” #EST4Life ツ $TiaraLuperW🚨🚨BIES @MlNGHAO_O
8K Followers 1K Following inflicting psychic damage on all who address minghao incorrectly : she/herSleeker @sleeker254
4K Followers 4K FollowingKanika Choudhary @DalRotiForLife
5K Followers 914 Following Writer | Engineer. Since I’m unable to find a niche, I post everything under the sun. DM for work or portfolio.Sock Hollidre @sock_holliday
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3K Followers 1K Following Gult by birth. Ex-Kannadiga by choice. Tam at heart. Now TRUE SOUTH INDIAN because my wife has Mallu roots. Co-wrote A Game of Pawns - a crime fiction novella.Nandan Boal @nboal
2K Followers 2K Followingswoffftt @iShO_o
2K Followers 372 Following Thrower of Tantrums | Keeper of Sicrits | Thookivechufier of Moonji | RT Bot | #LitterAlly | No Shooo ok please✨gabz✨ @gabzie4
1K Followers 2K Following hi everyone!! ✨• Howard University Alumna • nyc • tv/film director, editor, screenwriter •@MartinPilgrim1 Oil paint takes 50 years to dry out completely, so you are watching paint dry if it was applied after 1973.
25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week. thepoke.com/2024/04/26/25-…
@MartinPilgrim1 But Martin....you're not the man I married
@MartinPilgrim1 What about doppelsgangers, evil twins & masters of disguise though? 🤔
@MartinPilgrim1 I’m going to miss the joke here because I cannot miss an opportunity to recommend Machi Koro.
@MartinPilgrim1 Commencing countdown Engines on Check key thing And may God's love Be with you
*laughs in Hungarian*
I wish there were other property trading board games besides Monopoly. It shouldn't be allowed to dominate the market like that.
Oh boy do I have something for you
I wish there were other property trading board games besides Monopoly. It shouldn't be allowed to dominate the market like that.
@MartinPilgrim1 Which work will have the greater role in the human story? Only time will tell
@MartinPilgrim1 The microphone is a pet? x.com/martinpilgrim1…
I like this picture from last night because it looks like the only audience member is a headless ghost.
@MartinPilgrim1 Hey, I’m dry, unlike you suckers out in the rain
@MartinPilgrim1 No, I think you made the right choice. More concise.
@MartinPilgrim1 @mxmclain How is his wife holding up?
FRAME IT 👏👏
Rear Window is such a great film. My neighbour across the street watches it all the time.