m@thew @TweetPotato314
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ Joined December 2016-
Tweets12K
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Followers44K
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Following599
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Likes45K
girth master sounds like something I’d buy off of late night tv from chuck norris
texting my wife to ask what the chemical symbol for potassium is and then typing “can I sleep with your sister” really fast when I see her bubbles pop up
At least umps are consistent
Caught him looking at X-rays again
I actually have a tiny little bit of a theory that the increase in autism is at least partly due to vaccines...but not for the reasons anybody thinks. (Spoiler alert for anyone getting scared at this point: vaccines don't cause autism, vaccines cause adults.)
I actually have a tiny little bit of a theory that the increase in autism is at least partly due to vaccines...but not for the reasons anybody thinks. (Spoiler alert for anyone getting scared at this point: vaccines don't cause autism, vaccines cause adults.)
her: i’ll have the salad, no nuts, please waiter: of course me: it didn’t say it had nuts her: i’m allergic, so I tell them to be safe me: that makes sense waiter: and for you? me: steak, no bees, please
Rear Window is such a great film. My neighbour across the street watches it all the time.
They say that a Giraffe can run up to 37 miles per hour. That seems unfair. I doubt he knew he was being timed.
the guys in the p.o.v. porn videos are gonna start needing smaller dicks if u want me to buy in completely
Editor: ok we’re going to move ahead with kama sutra and not….what was it matt suggested again? Me: *looking down and mumbling*
Editor: ok we’re going to move ahead with kama sutra and not….what was it matt suggested again? Me: *looking down and mumbling*
Everybody you meet is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Attack them. Now they’re fighting two battles
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
jon drake @DrakeGatsby
112K Followers 2K Following they must have amnesia, they forgot that im him. 1/2 of @blastzonepod. senior brand strategist for @trymetafy
Kyle 🌱 @KylePlantEmoji
139K Followers 1K Following I am incredibly online | King of edible leaves, his majesty the spinach | he/him | the hits https://t.co/13Ium8Yy25
Natalie @jbfan911
66K Followers 711 Following (in case my employer sees this) I love ethics and HIPAA | she/her
i can be your long lo.. @PallaviGunalan
93K Followers 2K Following
fredesque @FredTaming
27K Followers 892 Following black & trans lives matter | stop asian hate | 🏳️🌈 🏳️⚧️ friendly | he/him | fka taming fr*d s*vage |
Big Tucson Dad @BigTucsonDad
56K Followers 2K Following When all else fails, all roads lead back to margaritaville. Cohost of @MinorBreakdown. the blue check is for ad rev, I hate Elon
tate @50FirstTates
36K Followers 625 Following just body after body busting out of shit wood and hittin pavement
Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau
89K Followers 1K Following Comedian, Writer, Founder of Persona Essential Social Media Management, writer of @GrimAndGraham
rudy betrayed @rudy_betrayed
38K Followers 1K Following if you follow me you agree with all of my opinions
Roxi Horror 💀🌸 @roxiqt
65K Followers 1K Following Extremely online internet gremlin & comedy content creator 🥄💜 @roxiqt on Bluesky & TikTok 🦝 https://t.co/JbrOVGHJgp ✨
madimoiselle ♡ @drivingmemadi
40K Followers 557 Following like a furby, but worse. unfortunately all views are my own
Adam @adamgreattweet
63K Followers 3K Following Resident physician as seen on Buzzfeed and TV, RTd by Barack Obama. He/Him
Madeleine @Madeleine125729
35 Followers 889 Following
Lacey Sheppard @lacey_sheppardx
4 Followers 170 Following ❤️ Raptors Basketball; Soccer; Tennis; Travel
Shelby Lee @TheOGShelbyLee
64 Followers 75 Following Pure of heart, dumb of ass - force of nature. Weird bug girl. 🪲🦋🕷️ Developer Evangelist & Outreach Extraordinaire just winging it & hoping for a nat20.
HaramBae @sarah__rahman
20 Followers 284 Following menace to society • illiterate • part-time basket weaver
Cody Austin @TrueGator_Cody
136 Followers 185 Following
John @here4samaltman
26 Followers 65 Following
Md Shorifu Islam @md_shorifu80670
2 Followers 58 Following
Jenny Bristol @jennywbristol
2K Followers 1K Following I'm all about family, friends, traveling, Am. history, maps, nerdery, writing. @GeekMomBlog Editor-in-Chief. ∞ Gen-X. She/her. @[email protected]
Shannon Grogans @shannon_grogans
572 Followers 2K Following Clinical Psych PhD Candidate @UMDGradSchool / NIMH F31 Fellow / Prev. @NIMHgov & @NorthwesternU / Aspiring Affective Neuroscientist 🧠 / #FirstGen
Oscar @oscgbg
9 Followers 195 Following
HunnyHiive @HunnyHiive
290 Followers 1K Following Tasks of Parenting is WILD FYI you're not alone on the journey.
Danielle @DanEll97495721
1 Followers 29 Following
David Jordan Nestor @thenestor
593 Followers 1K Following I work in the theatre industry. Pronouns: he eats cookies/give him cookies/those are his cookies.
rry @rryryey
6 Followers 74 Following
Shemeles Bekele @ShemelesBe696
6 Followers 216 Following Journalist @HruCRS writer, and content creater@ owner of sinke production Media
Rory Gilmore @RoryxGilmore_
82 Followers 230 Following
Abs @rockhardabbbbbs
25 Followers 101 Following
Sven Svenson @Aufweider
150 Followers 2K Following
library card truther @crumpledbottom
86 Followers 655 Following
Franky T @Franky_Tuma
862 Followers 3K Following Happily married father. No DMs. No lists. No Bitcoin. My opinions are my own.
erin chack @ErinChack
22K Followers 650 Following my hair is long now. writing: @newyorkerhumor, @mcsweeneys, @monsterchildren and more. always looking for new bylines.
Scott Story @StoryScott
318 Followers 497 Following
dorian grays last bra.. @womanmadehorror
645 Followers 107 Following the loudest woman this town has ever seen
meeka @MeekyBlinders
1K Followers 332 Following just a girl tweeting every thought that comes to mind - alt for friends :) @bushsbakedbug
Todd Smith @Hepatozoon12
51 Followers 137 Following Professor in the Department of Biology at Acadia University. Malaria parasites infect frogs and snakes too!
Laura Tjelmeland @LauraT14276
0 Followers 5 Following
Jody Mathews @crooksngrannies
186 Followers 2K Following
Funny Snarky Humor @FUNNYsnarkyJOKE
9K Followers 2K Following I like 2 make light of things 2 brighten up a dark world. #funny #humor #satire #snarky #memes #humour #hilarious
The Feminist Rose @KatieRo12784844
229 Followers 318 Following Life on earth is both beautiful &heartbreaking at the same time. Loves coffee, my family, conversations with strangers & op shopping (way before it was cool.)
Tom Priest @tommypriest
50 Followers 151 Following
Steve Barnett @SteveBart95
52 Followers 115 Following
name cannot be blank @thotcrimeslol
0 Followers 2K Following
Jason Gold @jasontgold
39 Followers 919 Following
Brian @Brian48777481
122 Followers 1K Following
Frank L. @FrankLopezTBJ
278 Followers 858 Following I like stories. All opinions are my own--I think.
jon drake @DrakeGatsby
112K Followers 2K Following they must have amnesia, they forgot that im him. 1/2 of @blastzonepod. senior brand strategist for @trymetafy
Kyle 🌱 @KylePlantEmoji
139K Followers 1K Following I am incredibly online | King of edible leaves, his majesty the spinach | he/him | the hits https://t.co/13Ium8Yy25
Natalie @jbfan911
66K Followers 711 Following (in case my employer sees this) I love ethics and HIPAA | she/her
i can be your long lo.. @PallaviGunalan
93K Followers 2K Following
fredesque @FredTaming
27K Followers 892 Following black & trans lives matter | stop asian hate | 🏳️🌈 🏳️⚧️ friendly | he/him | fka taming fr*d s*vage |
Big Tucson Dad @BigTucsonDad
56K Followers 2K Following When all else fails, all roads lead back to margaritaville. Cohost of @MinorBreakdown. the blue check is for ad rev, I hate Elon
tate @50FirstTates
36K Followers 625 Following just body after body busting out of shit wood and hittin pavement
Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau
89K Followers 1K Following Comedian, Writer, Founder of Persona Essential Social Media Management, writer of @GrimAndGraham
rudy betrayed @rudy_betrayed
38K Followers 1K Following if you follow me you agree with all of my opinions
Roxi Horror 💀🌸 @roxiqt
65K Followers 1K Following Extremely online internet gremlin & comedy content creator 🥄💜 @roxiqt on Bluesky & TikTok 🦝 https://t.co/JbrOVGHJgp ✨
madimoiselle ♡ @drivingmemadi
40K Followers 557 Following like a furby, but worse. unfortunately all views are my own
Adam @adamgreattweet
63K Followers 3K Following Resident physician as seen on Buzzfeed and TV, RTd by Barack Obama. He/Him
meeka @MeekyBlinders
1K Followers 332 Following just a girl tweeting every thought that comes to mind - alt for friends :) @bushsbakedbug
sake person 🦀 @REALJUNlPER
14K Followers 147 Following shitposting alt for @CantEverDie actually just five junipers in a trenchcoat
erin chack @ErinChack
22K Followers 650 Following my hair is long now. writing: @newyorkerhumor, @mcsweeneys, @monsterchildren and more. always looking for new bylines.
North American Friend.. @nafmcpodcast
342 Followers 4 Following North American Friends Movie Club podcast is presented by super friends Kate, Brent & Nate. [email protected]
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace
865K Followers 4K Following The Official George Wallace Twitter. Trying to serve it up with hot sauce for you. God bless.
The Daily Show @TheDailyShow
9.2M Followers 1K Following Weeknights 11/10c on @ComedyCentral and @paramountplus.
Mina Kimes @minakimes
897K Followers 2K Following NFL @ ESPN, crossword enthusiast, taller than you think. Wins are not a QB stat ✌️
gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi
64K Followers 7K Following “you miss 100% of the shots you take” -my high school basketball coach
GarbageApe @GarbageApe
76K Followers 1K Following
Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz
80K Followers 928 Following Send me your address so I can visit you and explain my passions
octopus/caveman @octopuscaveman2
250 Followers 143 Following
ArtButMakeItSports @ArtButSports
451K Followers 230 Following I turn Art into Sports (and vice versa) | NO AI USED | “Everything I didn't know I needed" - follower testimonial | See inspiration? DM/tag us
Ginny Hogan @ginnyhogan_
165K Followers 6K Following thank you for bearing with me, links to everything below
vampire truther @whatitd0babey
3K Followers 741 Following im pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking, and i plan on finding out what that is. 24. THEY/HE/SHE.
beer person @CantEverDie
132K Followers 2K Following JUNE - L’CHAIM - TRANS DISINFO INFLUENCER - podcasting on @WesternKabuki & @CrateDiving - streaming games on https://t.co/kXjet8u2M2
Dan White @atdanwhite
155K Followers 2K Following comedy writer | reps: Framework Entertainment | I perform weekly on @improvisdead
Royotathon 🚘 @Royotathon
12K Followers 869 Following idiot. one time documentary subject. Métis. he/him https://t.co/wJiiuU7cAz
Liz Climo @elclimo
70K Followers 1K Following hello! I draw animals. rep’d @kortizzle (not really active here anymore) [email protected] 💌 she/her
Janel Comeau @VeryBadLlama
47K Followers 2K Following Writer, comedian, illustrator, and international woman of mystery. Co-host of @fatfrenchfab. Sworn enemy of the Swedish Yule Goat. Words: @cracked @TheBeaverton
Parker Molloy @ParkerMolloy
235K Followers 3K Following I write the media/culture/politics/whatever newsletter @readTPA: https://t.co/b5eKnkYTbA Chicagoan / wife of @KaylaPekkala / not an activist / likes baseball
Haus of Decline @hausofdecline
190K Followers 1K Following Hank of Decline Podcast & Comics - https://t.co/kAfnFnh7AX Patreon - https://t.co/Awbuy7xogD
Kristi Yamaguccimane @TheWapplehouse
137K Followers 3K Following •America’s Stepdad•@jortscenterpod•alt @wapplehouse•
jodie @jodieegrace
27K Followers 589 Following social media manager | notes enjoyer & ittsysk #1 fan ⎕
horse dentist @equine__dentist
30K Followers 883 Following horse god formerly known as balthazar the exalted
Alison After Dark �.. @AmericanHussy
50K Followers 857 Following the h*rny posting rambling of a mental genius https://t.co/GmI8CdWtqV
Casey Jack @Casey_Jacked
2K Followers 385 Following I write copy, take pictures, love dogs, love Jill even more, and I swear a lot. he/him/his
C.H.U.D.ney Spears @chudneyspears
4K Followers 2K Following Championing the minor irritations in a time of major grievances. She/her
Lucy Huber @clhubes
80K Followers 2K Following editor @mcsweeneys Mother of: 👦🏼👶🏼🐈⬛🐈🐠🐌 Writer? Hungry. Tired.
kenzi @kenzianidiot
62K Followers 4K Following follow me for my dads weekly agendas! im also medium funny and have a very cute dog. | marketing at @dropout | she/her
City Counsel Show @CityCounselShow
199 Followers 49 Following Weekly podcast covering comedy, current events, pop culture, and community. hosted by @PallaviGunalan
Jasmine('s boobs hurt.. @Ranting_Trans
79K Followers 3K Following Trans, she/they. The unstoppable ego meets the immovable insecurity. Opinions (shamefully) my own. https://t.co/1WDWXg8xCF D&D alt: @drifterworkshop
Pessimus Prime respaw.. @_pessimusprime
772 Followers 381 Following They tried to cancel me. They failed. No one will stop me tweeting about Barry Chuckle. YOU HEAR ME ELON?
olivi-ugh 🦋 @0livi_ugh
3K Followers 178 Following i like dumb jokes & smart people. 7/17 🐠 she/her @0livi_alt
stoned cold fox @roastmalone_
56K Followers 2K Following no milk will EVER be our milk. can’t get enough of me? or just want to say hi? I answer my dms here: https://t.co/FOkADnw5vI
very tall bart @TallBart
83K Followers 1K Following why is bart so tall? boyfriend: @cabinworm check out: @transpanicblog
Sam Saulsbury @SamuelSaulsbury
7K Followers 686 Following I am the boss / / Comedy: @ClickHole @TheOnion, @tnyshouts
amelia elizalde @ameliaelizalde
35K Followers 952 Following writer. formerly @comedycentral @clickhole
If JJ McCarthy gets drafted in the 1st Round of the 2024 NFL Draft, I’ll eat a raw egg for every like this tweet gets
the unalloyed joy of playing Civilization 6 while a baby sleeps on you...this must be how Jimmy Buffet felt about getting drunk and going metal detecting on the beach
goat behavior expert here. not sure what i'm looking at. did not know they could do this. what the fuck
So apparently the laws of physics do not apply to goats
there should be a waffle house video game where you have to fight off the customers while also completing their food orders. overcooked meets left 4 dead
Is anybody else seeing the Foghorn Leghorn memes or is my brain trying to comfort me as I die?
@TweetPotato314 I bet @girthmasterr is honored to be in the same sentence as Chuck Norris
Hard agree. When I’m doing stand up comedy there’s no room for anyone else to suck.
Comedian Arj Barker Defends Decision To Kick Breastfeeding Mom Out Of His Show huffpost.com/entry/arj-bark…
Thinking about this Ethan Hawke interview
If this gets 50 likes I'll crack open a can of Diet Coke
this is how I sit up at my desk when a coworker tells me they have gossip
Having the "biggest penis in Britain" has to be a bit like being the tallest dachshund
I have the biggest penis in Britain — it’s so monstrous I was barred from yoga trib.al/NHjynrb
@TweetPotato314 "look between j and l on your keyboard"
Did they take the picture the exact second they told him?
Brewers Place Wade Miley On Injured List With Elbow Inflammation mlbtraderumors.com/2024/04/brewer…
@lincnotfound You know what time it is, buddy.
Caught him looking at X-rays again
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