shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird
hi everybody Joined September 2017-
Tweets4K
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Followers135K
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Following495
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Likes33K
therapist interrupts me: are you saying off-pudding
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get me: what do you mean [2 hard lemonades later] me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
gatekeeper of heaven: next. oh hold on what are you doing here man oj simpson: the glove did not fit gatekeeper: are we really gonna go through this again
friend: you gotta see the eclipse man it looks amazing me who would look up but i’m constantly on guard for the leprechaun that keeps trying to pants me in public: i bet it does
my boss: how are you late to work again me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[first guy to go birdwatching] someone needs to be watching those fuckin things
[everyone at the funeral booing] my wife: [talking over the speakers as ocean man by ween ends] i’m sorry but it was in his will [ocean man by ween starts again]
fiancé: how’s the bachelor party going?? me after the boys got way too drunk and legally adopted each other: it’s ok i guess
priest: what is wrong with you me: [to funeral congregation] i’m so sorry everybody my headphones disconnected and- crying father: why were you listening to alvin and the chipmunks
her: i’ve never heard a man be so vocal in bed before me (was screaming through a leg cramp): i think it’s because i love you
[football coach takes me out of the huddle] you gotta stop crying
[first day as hostage negotiater] me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo [loud explosion from inside the bank]
commercial: see why it’s recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists the 5th dentist: i hate this shit so much dude. fuck this toothpaste
me: you wanted to see me? boss: go ahead and take a seat me: [drapes my cloak over the chair] is this about the cloak
pov: you are trying to explain to your parents that you didn’t do any acid
[watching nemo get taken by the guys in the boat] me: *standing up* yeah he’s fucked. let’s get out of here, no way they find him
got too high last night and made this for some reason. idk
The final episode of Sesame Street where PG&E eventually isolates the gas leak and all of the Muppets just kind of disappear.
now that twitter is back up, we can get back to important discussions you guys think spongebob is a virgin?
pikaboob @pikacap
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(Tearing up when its my turn in the rap battle) I hate you I hate you I hate you
therapist interrupts me: are you saying off-pudding
[walking up to the hardware store employee] look man, and don’t bullshit me. how hard is this ware
Lunch! Let's see what mom packed. Hope it's not just a note that says I'm a punk ass buster. Ok it is that note again tomorrow is a new day.
truly surreal to hear campus protestors being called ‘agents of hamas’ then see an interview with some kid named bryce. hamas doesn’t even know about bryce
They should do one where things are just chill
‘Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes’ Final Trailer: Chaos And Tensions Rise dlvr.it/T6DbxC
They should do a funny Planet of the Apes. They got all those monkeys but it's always so sad....
doing that weird jojo siwa stomp dance when my boss tells me i can’t have my birthday off
just realized you can “customize” your life by making decisions in situations. as they happen to you 👍
Would be a good bit if Mufasa was notorious for falling a lot, nobody even questioned his death
There is only one male friendship dynamic: The Hot Guy and The Weird Little Freak. The twist is, all your Hot Guy Friends have Hotter Guy Friends and all your Weird Little Freak friends have Weirder Little Freak friends. Thus, all men are someone’s Weird Little Freak
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
every single time i use my oven my i remember that story of the girl being over at a guy’s house and him baking something for her and saving “i hate this part” before sticking his bare hands in to pull it out
yea i love colin jost. colin jost to say hello