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Tweets4K
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Followers74K
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Following664
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If you fill out this form i can come do standup close to you. Also itll help me quit my job. If youve never seen me do standup before imagine youre at a grocery store and the guy that helps you cancel an item at self checkout says a joke about your apples docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAI…
(Inventing bathroom stalls) Guy: should the door touch the ground Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Saw this baby at Longhorn watching a video on how to bench press
I couldn’t find where it rolled to
American airlines lets you have 20 minutes of free wifi if you watch one of their sponsored ads so i watched a 3 minute chase bank video. After the video it said the wifi was down and i think it was the most eye opening experience of how much power and money i dont have
[Home Depot staff meeting] BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is? ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
In 2007 the CEO of AMC Adam Aron paid me $2500 to create a show about drugs and teaching. You guys probably know the show as Breaking Bad but here was the original script
I wrote for Zack and Cody for about 3 months back in 2006 heres some of my scripts that never made it to air
Does anyone like pez? Like is there anybody that just gets home from work and is like time to spoil myself with some pez
Dan White @atdanwhite
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jon drake @DrakeGatsby
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Kyle 🌱 @KylePlantEmoji
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semiconducotr-metal i.. @benpinko
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Spotcheck Billy @Aug_Mozzarella
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Lauren Reyna @______lkr
20 Followers 3K Following STOP SENDING PORNOGRAPHIC REQUESTS! I WILL REPORT YOU! I AM THE FEDS AS SHIT IF YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED. I WILL CALL THE FBI AS SHIT. BACK OFF, BACK UP! 🆒
Dan White @atdanwhite
155K Followers 2K Following comedy writer | reps: Framework Entertainment | I perform weekly on @improvisdead
jon drake @DrakeGatsby
112K Followers 2K Following they must have amnesia, they forgot that im him. 1/2 of @blastzonepod. senior brand strategist for @trymetafy
Kyle 🌱 @KylePlantEmoji
139K Followers 1K Following I am incredibly online | King of edible leaves, his majesty the spinach | he/him | the hits https://t.co/13Ium8Yy25
Natalie @jbfan911
66K Followers 711 Following (in case my employer sees this) I love ethics and HIPAA | she/her
Big Tucson Dad @BigTucsonDad
56K Followers 2K Following When all else fails, all roads lead back to margaritaville. Cohost of @MinorBreakdown. the blue check is for ad rev, I hate Elon
rudy betrayed @rudy_betrayed
38K Followers 1K Following if you follow me you agree with all of my opinions
Minneapolis 4/26-27 @tommybayertime
19K Followers 871 Following doin stand up for now @wecoolpodcast email me for stuff [email protected]
phil @PhilJamesson
84K Followers 985 Following my job is writing funny things for cool stuff | comedy for @DibsNext, @adultswim, @nerial, @dropout | mgmt: [email protected]
Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau
89K Followers 1K Following Comedian, Writer, Founder of Persona Essential Social Media Management, writer of @GrimAndGraham
m@thew @TweetPotato314
44K Followers 597 Following retired: @tweetpotato314 ︎new: https://t.co/eGYheQADS5 personal: @antelopish
Dan Hentschel @danghentschel
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Podcast About List @podaboutlist
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“is this a joke to you” unfortunately everything is a little bit of a joke to me
the other toes that didn’t get stubbed
If you got a white supervisor TRUST ME, today is the day to ask them for that raise. They’re in a good mood.
Gonna “OJ died 🥺👉👈” back into her life
random girl and guy accidentally bump into each other at a crowded party* Girl: haha oh sorry about that! I’m Christine by the way:) Guy(who’s real name is Clonk): oh that’s alright! I’m Steve. My name is Steve I swear
Saw this baby at Longhorn watching a video on how to bench press
Did Shaq ask them to keep that part of the desk exposed
Me texting my christian friends: I hope you guys have a great Easter! Jesus is back, baby! Me texting my ancient Roman buddies: Hey dudes I know this is a tough day for you, let me know if you need some space today. You'll get him next time for sure though, I know it.
such a shock when you find out an adult friend is still christian
putting shooting sleeve on before pickup game at the y: those guys want to take the bread off our tables. I’ll die before that happens teammate who has to leave early bc of work: alright
A reenactment of me being a server in Minnesota
The first time I ever wrestled in middle school a kid did this to me in front of my father and I cried (while still in this position)
This gotta be the worst way you can lose a wrestling match
guy got scammed out of a fart and I'm rooting for him? get the man his fart!!
look how pretty I make this shit look idgaf
finding out that trouble articulating thoughts can be related to dyslexia was kind of a revelation so yeah
Once i figure out how to articulate my thoughts you guys are fucked
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