Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues
Writer. Editor. Eater of green things from the ground. https://t.co/zWmEYTiCTJ abbyheugel.com Michigan Joined July 2011-
Tweets10K
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Followers20K
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Following586
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Likes3K
Please arrive at your appointment 15 minutes early so you can fill out the same forms you filled out online and then wait 45 more minutes for the doctor to actually see you.
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Abby Heugel retweeted
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Abby Heugel retweeted
me: I'm not old also me: *realizes the number of meteorologists I follow on facebook is not zero*
Please don’t ask me what “my passion” is. I'm an adult. I consider it a win if nothing expensive breaks, I don't find a new bruise, and my favorite dish soap goes on sale.
Abby Heugel retweeted
Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone. Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I threw old kale in my backyard and now the squirrels are riding little Pelotons and requesting coconut water.
Abby Heugel retweeted
Actually, your email does not find me well. My bananas ripened too quickly, the song from the Jardiance commercial is stuck in my head, and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer. My life is spiraling out of control.
Abby Heugel retweeted
Nobody: Me: *angry about a hypothetical situation I made up in my head*
Abby Heugel retweeted
We all need something to look forward to, which is why I order things online.
Me: I hate drama. Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Abby Heugel retweeted
I'm not saying that my wife orders a lot from Amazon, I'm just saying that if I got a job as a UPS driver they'd probably let me work from home.
Abby Heugel retweeted
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout. Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Abby Heugel retweeted
How I do anything: 3 days to psych myself up to it 30 min to do it 3 days to recover
I’m actually really fun and outgoing when I’ve had nine hours of sleep, four meals, two snacks, tea, and am not required to wear real pants or have more than five minutes of social interaction.
Abby Heugel retweeted
Pulling my phone up off the floor by the phone charger is the closest I’ll ever come to fishing.
Nobody warned me that so much time as an adult would be spent being mad at loud noises.
Abby Heugel retweeted
[First sunset] HIM: HER: HIM: HER: HIM: HER: HIM: Is that… you think that’s a problem?
Abby Heugel retweeted
Cashier: Did you find everything? Me: Did you hide something?
I feel like whoever named them Red Delicious apples has never actually eaten a delicious apple.
Abby Heugel retweeted
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why. Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
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@AbbyHasIssues She shared a funny Star Wars line the day before that's been floating around the Internet for a couple years. Perhaps her most honest observation... x.com/cdpsolutions1/…
It's interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn't think the situation was this dire.
@AbbyHasIssues We ❤️ this tweet and would love to repost it on Food Network’s social media platforms, with credits to you (of course!) Let us know if that’s okay! Thank you!
I better rev this thing a hundred times a day in my driveway, just to make sure it still works. -- motorcycle owners
Realtor: You're gonna love this neighborhood! The neighbors are super friendly and-- Me: I'm gonna stop you right there.
"Welcome to my personal pants-adjustment chamber," I say to the stranger joining me on the elevator.
"Daddy, I wanna be like you when I grow up" "You better hope your mother doesn't hear you say that"
.@sarcastic_us This is plagiarized. Originally by @AbbyHasIssues. Please delete per Twitter TOS. #plagiarismbad
.@alicediver This is plagiarized. Originally by @AbbyHasIssues. Please delete per Twitter TOS. #plagiarismbad
I don't workout to stay fit. I don't workout to be healthy. I don't workout to look good. Basically what im saying is I don't workout.
The 46 FUNNIEST Parenting Memes You'll Ever Find Online! Starring: @simoncholland twentytwowords.com/the-funniest-p…
*carefully moves laundry from washer to dryer* *drops half of it on the floor*
Interviewer: "Your resume says you're paranoid." Me: "My resume has been talking behind my back?"
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