Satirical Mommy @SatiricalMommy
Sleep deprived boy mom. Jennifer Garner liked my tweet. Seen on @scarymommy, @huffpost, @buzzfeed, @todayparents & more. | Scary Mommy Content Creator twitter.com/search/from:Sa… Hiding from my kids Joined August 2020-
Tweets10K
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Following579
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Likes15K
My washing machine claiming it only has 1 minute left is why I have trust issues
My husband has some nerve commenting on my grey hair like he isn’t the cause at least half of them
What I wouldn’t give to see Travis Kelce’s group chat with his friends right now. Like, “Dude! You could have just told us to leave. We would have taken the hint.”
My kindergartener experienced her first smart toilet on our vacation. Her reaction? “If it was really smart it would get a new job. I’d much rather be a sink.”
I need time off, I’m so stressed out, I need a break *Takes time off* Well, now what do I do
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
My wife and I are currently on day three of a silent argument of who is going to clean the lasagna pan that's soaking next to the sink.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
For my birthday I had a GI appointment in the morning where I scheduled an endoscopy, followed by a call with a lawyer to discuss my living will. Getting older sucks.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don't hit each other. We use our words. Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Whoever came up with the dig for gems or dinosaurs kits clearly had no kids, or hated parents. Also, find me one kid who can complete them on their own, and I’ll send you my incomplete kit
My sons keep roasting each other with “Yo Mama” jokes and keep realizing that they share the same mama.
Just overheard two women talking and one complimented the other’s shirt and she said thank you without adding where she got it from or that it was on sale. I wasn’t aware this was something people could do.
When my teachers said I should pay attention because I’d need to know this stuff for the future, I didn’t realize they meant when my kids were in school and I had to do it all over again
In my 20s: looking for clothes and other things to make me look cool. In my 40s: looking for anything to make me feel like I'm not dying.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger 8: YOU stop growing bigger And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
What would you do in this situation?
The Amazing Race, but it’s just me rushing to the store at the last minute hoping Easter candy is still available
Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezbur
Jessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.
Simon Holland @simoncholland
171K Followers 1K Following My wife bought low sodium bacon and now I know what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
Kevin The Dad @kevinthedad
15K Followers 974 Following Husband. Dad. Co-creator of 2 cool kids. I write fun stories about the shenanigans I experience as a parent!
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
That Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6
I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 942 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohj
Adam @adamgreattweet
63K Followers 3K Following Resident physician as seen on Buzzfeed and TV, RTd by Barack Obama. He/Him
NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*
mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.
@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfK
Marcy G @BunAndLeggings
51K Followers 2K Following parenthood is like a box of chocolates... it's expensive
Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal
136K Followers 2K Following Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM. https://t.co/jv3VQ5CW4O
Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal
59K Followers 983 Following Wife of a guy. Mother to spawns. Sugar glider in my bra. Parenting cautionary tale. (she/her)
Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbol
sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy
50K Followers 7K Following Loves animals more than most people. https://t.co/bTlLzDrFl4
Heather Vigil @redbootshez
5 Followers 46 Following Overthinking is my specialty. Also, tea. And French fries. Typo Queen.
Kim andery @AnderyKim93219
68 Followers 1K Following We belong to the world 🌍 and the world 🌍 belong to us.🌹
12 rings and counting @boredbostonian
155 Followers 588 Following I like sports, I like musicals, I like video games and I like all three even more when I have take out to go with it. He/Him
Parenting Unscripted @ParentUnscriptd
1 Followers 15 Following Welcome to Parenting Unscripted! Where I share my unique journey of connecting with my children and invaluable insights into the wild ride of parenthood.
lex @lexsy__
64 Followers 70 Following
Rattlehead_M @BaldKinkyRocker
213 Followers 428 Following I'm spending more time on Tribel https://t.co/YBMaKLfEwM And Bluesky https://t.co/PhaOSZzbWU
Spellbound Learning @learnspellbound
42 Followers 390 Following Spellbound Learning is an Educational Technology company creating next-generation learning software that truly inspire young learners.
Family Lifestyle2 @FLifestyle2
91 Followers 4K Following Proverbs 1:7 KJV The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.
Vanessa Nguyen Herná.. @hernandez_64876
1K Followers 185 Following Asian & West African ~~~~ Squaddie |Nashuri | Beyhive and looots of tv
Nickolus J Rosetto @_rosetto07
111 Followers 2K Following - Plant Grower - Animal Owner - Writer - Traveler - Space - Random Fun Times
Christian Davis. @boy91420
118 Followers 292 Following SURGEON DOCTOR. FATHER. WIDOWED. CHRISTIAN. POLYGLOT. #RepostWhatever.
Ryan o @Ryano328880
28 Followers 343 Following
liberal idaho native .. @ChelsieGiesler
445 Followers 775 Following I may not be perfect, but I’m totally excellent........at least my dog thinks so. PS; tell your dog I said hi.
Marta Costa @MartaCostaCo
3 Followers 83 Following I help small businesses make more money streamlinine their systems and using data dashboards to spot trends so they can work smarter, not harder.
Dr Jacks Loose Buttho.. @ButtholeDr
4 Followers 665 Following
drDork @marcnatoni
553 Followers 3K Following Former Dentist, current political junkie, rabidly concerned with tfg’s administration and its contempt for all things.
Kesha Hanry @HanryKesha
1K Followers 5K Following
Knook @knookstories
28 Followers 195 Following Bringing kids stories to life with AI 🌟 Inspiring, educating, and growing with each child. 📚✨ #Knook #BeyondReading #KnookClub Join our beta via below link 👇
Sally Fleischer @SallyFleischer
2 Followers 175 Following
Jessica LM @JessicaLM87
149 Followers 465 Following ♡ My heart is taken by the most incredible man on earth. ♡
Daniel @dhilliard74
7K Followers 7K Following I'm not as funny as I look. Amateur chef, dad to 2 girls, husband to one girl.
Sarah K @CosmicShoelace
31 Followers 603 Following
C a t e @WickedStepmom
1K Followers 218 Following Welcome to my Once Upon a Time. One-time 2nd Wife turned EX-Wife & Custodial Stepmom. Now single-working Mom. Reinventing the Fairytale since March '07.
David Yuh @daveyuh
97 Followers 242 Following
Melanie S @meliej
167 Followers 1K Following Mother (of girls) | genealogy | art history | the '80s | Sara Bareilles. Always looking for a creative outlet, iced tea, & sleep. #BLM #Ally ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤
Frank Cania, MSEmpL @CANIAHR
585 Followers 735 Following President of HR Compliance Experts, a human resource consulting firm specializing in employment-related regulatory compliance issues for businesses.
CashewQueso @cashew_queso
771 Followers 717 Following On today’s episode of I have no idea what I’m doing… https://t.co/p2R6kolXhT
Raven Siciliano @SicilianoRaven
5 Followers 103 Following
Nadia Malik @NadiaMalik69
2K Followers 3K Following Feminism | developments of the Department of International Relations at National Defence University.
That Guy @SocialOutcast82
8K Followers 6K Following It's ok if you don't like me, I don't like me either. The so-so shit: https://t.co/JpkHXDRSok
Rfef @Rfef2024
0 Followers 144 Following
Sandra @Ard__nas
0 Followers 76 Following
Holly Matlack @MatlackHol36803
1 Followers 13 Following
Steven George @StevenGeor67684
1 Followers 32 Following
Brandon @Brandensteel
762 Followers 2K Following Leading with honor, serving with pride. 🇺🇸 #ArmyStrong #DutyCalls
Mom & Dad's Toolbox P.. @MDToolbox
140 Followers 1K Following Subscribe to our MDT family on @YouTube for great parenting tips and content! Our easy to follow videos will help you along in your #parenting journey!
Vintage Food Ads and .. @jenny4penny
139 Followers 625 Following Classic Food Ads and Other Food Related Nostalgia :-)
Rachael Chatmon-Wilso.. @rachaeleigh84
69 Followers 376 Following Working going to school trying to get my life together.
Sir Berth @SirBerth
578 Followers 2K Following Prior account suspended. Back for more of all the great things that Twitter does.
Kate Kamin @misskatekamin
67 Followers 40 Following 1st Grade Teacher at Wescott Elementary School M.Ed in Curriculum & Instruction w/ advanced specialization in ESL & LBS1
Cecil Halford @Mimosa48
828 Followers 2K Following Writer but not an author. Retired English teacher. World non-traveler.
Nathan Wallin @WallinNathan
385 Followers 2K Following
m3d @YoneyMike
672 Followers 3K Following (it/that/thing) Failing sideways. Just lucky enough. I’m starting to suspect this is all a simulation. Mastodon-@[email protected]
joyce musco @gardnerdahlia
595 Followers 5K Following Subjects of interest: inventions, geneology, US Grant, history,finances,health,tech,space,pics.Twitter is information so I post articles of interest 01jan
Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezbur
Jessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.
Simon Holland @simoncholland
171K Followers 1K Following My wife bought low sodium bacon and now I know what it means when someone says they love you but aren’t IN LOVE with you.
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlv
Kevin The Dad @kevinthedad
15K Followers 974 Following Husband. Dad. Co-creator of 2 cool kids. I write fun stories about the shenanigans I experience as a parent!
The Dad @thedad
142K Followers 590 Following Welcome to the club. 🔥 https://t.co/E3irT7D7mM 🏆 https://t.co/EFPhC0SEeE 🎮 @thedadgaming
Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...
That Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6
I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 942 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohj
Adam @adamgreattweet
63K Followers 3K Following Resident physician as seen on Buzzfeed and TV, RTd by Barack Obama. He/Him
NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*
mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.
@itssherifield @itssherifield
13K Followers 1K Following Musician mama of 3 treading water and taking names Formerly @Lmemeit IG and TikTok: @itssherifield https://t.co/PEkz5e5DfK
Marcy G @BunAndLeggings
51K Followers 2K Following parenthood is like a box of chocolates... it's expensive
Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal
136K Followers 2K Following Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM. https://t.co/jv3VQ5CW4O
Lil Bit 🌈 @LizerReal
59K Followers 983 Following Wife of a guy. Mother to spawns. Sugar glider in my bra. Parenting cautionary tale. (she/her)
Midge @mxmclain
35K Followers 2K Following Relentless architect of my own hell, curator of seasonal profanities, cultural symbol
Official Dave the Vil.. @dave_villager
156 Followers 12 Following The author of the Dave the Villager books. I'm making this official account as people keep making fake ones and pretending to be me!
MELapalooza 🐈⚽�.. @MELisCrazyInAZ
32K Followers 15K Following MY ONE AND ONLY PROFILE $MelisCrazyInAz https://t.co/rjxWV6PjFA 🤪Teetering on the edge of insanity 🤣98.2% of my tweets are jokes. Respond accordingly
Steven Albritton @StevenAlbritton
3K Followers 2K Following Dad, Husband, Anchor @WLWT now, @KMBC & @KATCTV3 before. @BallState Alum, Former @RaginCajuns Cheer coach, From @cityofcarmelIN #amnewser
What To Expect @WhatToExpect
141K Followers 11K Following Your go-to resource for preconception, pregnancy and parenting advice.
Becky Vieira | Witty .. @wittyotter_
2K Followers 126 Following Author, Enough About the Baby, available now! @UnionSqAndCo • Wearing mom jeans since 2016 • Writer @scarymommy @babycenter more • Eichler living •
eLeni @eleniZarro
17K Followers 2K Following Be funny, be kind, but ffs stop saying literally. My best hits: https://t.co/aXLLBNuMx3 🐎 💜
Green-eyed Lizard �.. @CackowskiLiz
19K Followers 9K Following I investigate fraud and make myself chuckle. I buy a lot of books I have no time to read. 🌊 Sober. Gym rat. Glimmer seeker.
(((Princess of Whales.. @PrincesaBallena
8K Followers 4K Following Disloyal Jew, Positive FickDichEinstellung, Inescapable Snarl @WolfGangOfFour’s emotional support bitch
Starring Michelle �.. @starringmichell
6K Followers 4K Following 🌻Most of us are struggling, but we don't have to struggle alone. Married to the Love of my Life.❤️🍅 Black Lives Matter . Header is the most lovely @mom_tho🌻
☮︎︎ Far𝚖𝚊.. @farmama7983
441 Followers 1K Following farm wife. mom of a 3&4yo 12.5mo apart. GIF lover. ☕️ addict. innapropriate. hot mess. 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚍. corny & cynical. 𝕤𝕒𝕣𝕔𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕔. says ᶠᵘᶜᵏ a little. 🍷= ♡
Wisecracking Blonde @RoobsC
29K Followers 879 Following Host: Wisecracking Blonde Trivia Show I Mac & Cheese Lover🧀 I Humorist 🤣 I IG/TikTok/Web/Pinterest: WisecrackingBlonde I https://t.co/SmAgwXwban
Abbi Crutchfield @curlycomedy
48K Followers 5K Following Hulu, Comedy Central, truTV, NBC, CBS • I joke a lot. • Mastadon: https://t.co/UymYo2qVSc • Bluesky: https://t.co/sRjqLg32ly
buybuyBABY @buybuyBABY
12K Followers 733 Following For over 25 years, buybuy BABY has been here for everything you expected, and everything you didn't. #welcometoparenthood
BabyCenter @BabyCenter
602K Followers 8K Following Helping you through your journey of parenthood! DM for customer support.
Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 @Tobi_Is_Fab
43K Followers 4K Following Sometimes on @BuzzFeed @HuffPostParents @Cheezburger @boredpanda @ThePoke @theCHIVE @TODAYshow @Upworthy❤️ Jeff Goldblum & Oxford commas. Avi by @popartcartoonz
Lottie-pop 🍭 @Lottie_Poppie
28K Followers 3K Following Tattooed mum & coffee enthusiast. Living life from one snack to the next.
Motherly @MotherlyMedia
11K Followers 661 Following Redefining motherhood. 💜 There for you throughout every stage with curated products, expert advice + trusted community.
McDad @mcdadstuff
9K Followers 2K Following I like dad jokes and I cannot lie. https://t.co/bbtLUiYKKg Find more of my tweets here ⬇️
Fulkery, A Parody Wra.. @Fulkery1
11K Followers 10K Following Ruminations from a human that errs. Not 'available' so move along.
Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy
25K Followers 5K Following 𝕌𝕟𝕒𝕡𝕠𝕝𝕠𝕘𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕔𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 𝔻𝕠𝕡𝕖 ℝ𝕒𝕔𝕔𝕠𝕠𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕦𝕣 𝕊𝕒𝕦𝕤𝕒𝕘𝕖 𝔼𝕘𝕘 𝕄𝕔𝕄𝕦𝕗𝕗𝕚𝕟 𝔼𝕟𝕥𝕙𝕦𝕤𝕚𝕒𝕤t
My Life As Dad @milifeasdad
6K Followers 896 Following Dad. Real silly. Davidoff Cool Water activist. Posts seen on @Buzzfeed, @HuffPost, @TODAY_Parents & more. I.G. 👉 https://t.co/f1BzpG3AnQ . My tweets in 🔗 below.
Mediocre Mom @MediocreMamaa
5K Followers 438 Following Always hangry. never fashionable. sometimes funny. My linktree: https://t.co/aSUIRbRWcz Featured on @huffpost @TODAY_parents @boredpanda @scarymommy
The Kids Are Not On F.. @KidsArentOnFire
2K Followers 568 Following Parenting. Autism. Humor. Small wins. Don't come at me with your essential oils. My tweets: https://t.co/edVPSK1FZw
Katie D @KatieDeal99
16K Followers 2K Following Bios are hard. On Instagram as katiedeal99 https://t.co/iMruSPyTav
Draggin Father Behind @DragginFatherB
2K Followers 1K Following Dad of 3 under 10 whos at most a 6 with an 11 scale wife just keepin it comical & muddlin thru. Fueled by 🥃 & ☕. Featured on @TheDad, @todayshow, @huffpost
Upside Dad @UpsideDad
4K Followers 2K Following Father of 8 at last count. Fan of The Office and Oxford commas. Seen in @HuffPostParents @Cheezburger @TODAYshow @Someecards @BoredPanda and more. My tweets ⬇️
Late to the party Lau.. @ericamorecambe
4K Followers 1K Following I’m not sure that it’s me who’s late or you who is early. On IG with same name. Also https://t.co/JnR26LsGSQ
MOMther @PezzleStick
2K Followers 2K Following I have a theory about Jack Lord's hair. I break search links. https://t.co/EXnO4GD9LJ she/her/mom. Mom. MoOo
Michael Vogel @MichaelVogel1
2K Followers 2K Following I am an Attorney in Minnesota. I live in Brooklyn Park, MN with my wife and three kids.
Laura is Such a Mom @WrightVtlala
2K Followers 802 Following Mom to 2 kids, wife to @bradwrightphd. Sometimes funny. Click the link to see my tweets.
Be Kind Of Witty @bekindofwitty
4K Followers 1K Following Mom life - Humor | Tweets: https://t.co/bBqGN7N1hI
Chelsea Kunz (Karen D.. @KDisapproves
906 Followers 138 Following All things Karen would disapprove of🥳 As seen on Scary Mommy & Today Parents ❤️ [email protected]
TuffDadStuff @tuffdadstuff
26 Followers 2 Following Just a dad, doing dad things. Follow me on Instagram for the latest memes 😆
Just a Chloe @CArmanthegirl
41K Followers 12K Following Please retweet my retweets, that’s what they are for
John Cena @JohnCena
14.3M Followers 775K Following A forum of thoughts and perspectives designed to ignite conversations and actions leading to growth, and occasional self promotion. #NeverGiveUp #RiseAboveHate
Susie Meister @susie_meister
43K Followers 932 Following PhD, Religious Studies | Owner, WAVE Podcast Network | Host, @BrainCandyPod | Recovering Reality TV Personality | https://t.co/ckQmn2e1Yv
tinasugandh @TinaSugandh
11K Followers 80 Following 3 KIDS, NO stretch marks products + daily skinlove for all available NOW at https://t.co/Yq6ITZ1O9U
Mad Hatter Mommy!!! @MadHatterMommy
23K Followers 4K Following sometimes funny, full of cheese, chocolate and unpopular opinions; don’t DM please https://t.co/IdtiajUsnd
I popped into the supermarket to buy a rotisserie chicken for dinner. There was a woman buying two of them, so I said to her,"Great minds think alike!" She looked at me with disdain and replied, "Uh, these are for my dogs." Cool. Cool.
My washing machine claiming it only has 1 minute left is why I have trust issues
I took my toddler to a birthday party and before we left I told him about all the activities they'd be doing. Apparently, the only thing he cared about was cupcakes because he spent the whole ride whispering "cupcakes" to himself.
My husband has some nerve commenting on my grey hair like he isn’t the cause at least half of them
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and text things like “I’m leaving y…” And an hour later text “your computer on the table”
Nobody: 8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I never thought I’d miss the toddler years until I had teens.
I had a teacher who didn’t recognize me in class one day, when I told her my name she responded with: but that’s not what you were wearing yesterday! I think about this every time I meet a new person
It’s raining and my 3.5yo says his knee is acting up. So, it’s safe to say we spend too much time with grandpa.
What I wouldn’t give to see Travis Kelce’s group chat with his friends right now. Like, “Dude! You could have just told us to leave. We would have taken the hint.”
MY WIFE JUST LAUNCHED A SNAIL AND IT LANDED ON THE WOMAN NEXT TO HER IN THIS PARISIAN RESTAURANT THIS MAY BE THE BEST VACATION EVER
@RodLacroix 😆😆😆
Drinking a glass of wine out in the garage to escape your family for a few minutes or an hour is pretty normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My kindergartener experienced her first smart toilet on our vacation. Her reaction? “If it was really smart it would get a new job. I’d much rather be a sink.”
My middle kiddo is having an EEG today and we are both hoping she’s outgrown her epilepsy. It’s been a long time since she had a seizure so fingers crossed. Send all of the good vibes and love our way 💜
Tried to access an account on my phone while sitting outside, but apparently my Face ID doesn’t recognize my face illuminated by actual sunlight, so I had to go back inside my dark cave/natural habitat in order to log in successfully.
I need time off, I’m so stressed out, I need a break *Takes time off* Well, now what do I do
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Watching bowling on TV is incredibly boring, but then my husband was like, “Let me explain bowling while we watch” and OMG HE MADE IT WORSE!
You know those people (*cough-my parents-cough*) who can’t process anything beyond the most recent/lowest line of text in a thread? Because they don’t understand scrolling? THAT’s what should be taught in schools nowadays. F cursive.
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