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Tweets735
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Every time I realized I needed a therapist, I was in no condition to find a therapist.
I’m such a people pleaser, if the police ever questioned me, I would confess to anything. “Can you tell us where you were last night?” “I KILLED KENNEDY! It was me!"
Uncut, uncensored, unbeatable. Watch our livestream of a full 2 hour standup show from the iconic @ComedyCellarUSA this Saturday, only on mintcomedy.com! Featuring: @JamesLmattern @harrisoncomedy @MEATBRICKMOLLY #ethansimmonspatterson @IamEmmaWillmann…
I feel awful saying this, but I bite it sometimes and then I feel like a monster! the key with the bite is to warm it a little in your hands first. Yes, I am disgusting!!!!!
I feel awful saying this, but I bite it sometimes and then I feel like a monster! the key with the bite is to warm it a little in your hands first. Yes, I am disgusting!!!!!
@michaelkosta @IamEmmaWillmann @JordanRock843 @AshleyAustinMo1 @lizmiele @RobbySlowik @joederosacomedy @ENeum @noredavis @mrseanpatton 🔥 @KrystynaHutch, @ENeum, @AshleyAustinMo1, @EagleWitt at 10:15p at EAST VILLAGE Get tix⤵️ newyorkcomedyclub.com/events/krystyn…
Taking care of your mental health is hard when you’re getting older. You’re like do I not know what day it is because I have ADHD or is dementia finally taking hold?
This Week at Helium | @LiamCullagh, @IamEmmaWillmann, @mary_santora will be Upstairs, + @iamdesibanks headlines the weekend! Grab tickets now: bit.ly/3QzPDCy
This country is divided, but I think we can all agree there is one group that needs to be stopped. The people who make everything into a cookie. A Kale cookie? Who do you think you’re fooling? Stay in your lane, healthy bakers.
Why do they call it social media when it’s the most isolating thing ever? It’s the opposite of social. I could go days looking at my phone and not talking to a single person.
Being from a small town is weird because your judgments are based on a really small sample size. If someone is homophobic, I know it's because they don't like me, personally.
Tomorrow is a magical fantasy world, it’s like Disneyland for adults. In theory, all my dreams will come true, but in reality I’ll end up exhausted and mad at myself for spending $45 on a churro
67% of second marriages end in divorce and SEVENTY-THREE PERCENT of third marriages end in divorce! Whoever said “Third time’s a charm” was definitely single
You know you watch too much true crime when you start every conversation with, "So, where were you on the night of...”
The food at sporting events …it’s like they give us the calories we see the players burning. I stress eating from them running around!!!!
Just 4 more days to see Just for Laughs Vancouver shows. Comedians still to see include #billburr, @kathygriffin, @IamEmmaWillmann, @ronnychieng, @Byoussef, @ZarnaGarg, @annielederman, @emilwakim, @CheDurena and other super funny folk. For details, see tinyurl.com/ccdye6ww
Whether or not you think sex work should be decriminalized or illegal, I think we can all acknowledge that it’s hypocritical how America uses sex to sell everything, but if you directly try to purchase sex…I get kicked out of the Cheesecake Factory.
Roast your college and see if people can guess where you went based on the description. I’ll go first: A place where B+ students with money go to get alcohol poisoning in subzero temperatures before transitioning into an 80 hour a week media career.
As you get older your mantras become more reasonable. 18 “the world is mine and I will own it” 28, “miracles are happening” 38 “The IRS can be my friend"
Being around kids puts a magnifying glass on your own issues. Like “Why can’t I eat candy for breakfast and call grandma a bitch? Aunt Emma does it”
Luis J. Gomez @luisjgomez
145K Followers 1K Following I am a comedian. Anything I say here is a joke. 🇵🇷🐍 | 2024 Tour Dates https://t.co/53D914BAd5
Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi @roywoodjr
438K Followers 6K Following I tell the truth like white draws. FORMER: @TheDailyShow CURRENT: Social Recluse. FAMU grad reppin 205. Took me 5 yrs to get a 4yr degree, don't take me serious
ely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl
145K Followers 3K Following tv/film writer, comic, queer. host @podshamespiral, copy @iamthirtyaf & co-host @gayshamecomedy- next show 4/16 @unionhallny! mgmt: @zerogravitymgmt
gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi
64K Followers 7K Following “you miss 100% of the shots you take” -my high school basketball coach
Shane Gillis @Shanemgillis
449K Followers 833 Following Matt and Shane’s secret podcast : Gilly & Keeves
MILKY WAY GHETTO 🌌 @JayJurden
30K Followers 2K Following he/him. comic / actor / writer / X-Men nerd/writer! - bisexual demon / booking - https://t.co/ikhegHrDPH
Brendan Sagalow @BrendanSagalow
11K Followers 903 Following Stand up Cormedian and, podcaster (sorry)
Collie Tyrrell @columtyrrell
28K Followers 2K Following Mostly clips. Click my pinned tweet. The Colum Tyrrell Podcast. Host Tuesday Night Comedy in NYC. Live dates and all other stuff on my website.
Mike Cannon @IamMikeCannon
16K Followers 1K Following stand up | booking: [email protected] | Tour Dates | watch my comedy specials | co-host @chrissychaospod | all links 👇🏼
Todd Barry @toddbarry
300K Followers 1K Following YouTube: DOMESTIC SHORTHAIR Netflix: SPICY HONEY Prime: THE CROWD WORK TOUR Book: THANK YOU FOR COMING TO HATTIESBURG https://t.co/AgBudWd5Ff & @ToddBarryPdcast
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack
1.8M Followers 821 Following This is the real, official account for 2x Super Bowl champ and 9 NFL vet Michael Ian Black. All others are fake. There are no others :(
Chris O'Connor @aChrisOConnor
17K Followers 510 Following Tires | Samesies | Showborhood | https://t.co/FBBGYU0Bk4
i can be your long lo.. @PallaviGunalan
93K Followers 2K Following
Samantha Ruddy @samlymatters
49K Followers 2K Following Comedian from the Tonight Show & the Late Show. Dozens of followers on TikTok.
tastebudspod @tastebudspod
41K Followers 97 Following @SalVulcano & @JoeDeRosacomedy hash out all their food based arguments for YOU the fans to decide! 👇
Sarah Tollemache @stollemache
19K Followers 1K Following I’m taping my new special Oct 11th at @grove34 https://t.co/a3F3ZINwdv
RivaWilson @70j08p990y64l0
0 Followers 88 Following
wizardforcegenius @rombolin
91 Followers 232 Following
Exalted @Lucinda15382078
50 Followers 1K Following I am a lively and cheerful girl who would like to meet a good friend.
Jarrell Curtis @lucky7jc
682 Followers 5K Following I'm a Scorpion with a learning disorder. I love women of any color, size and give them honestly and respect if they ever gave me that, especially honestly.
Mr. Joshua’s Simond.. @JoshuaSimonSays
3K Followers 5K Following is this thing on…? Triple Threat (jewish/gay/bald). I love Trashy Horror/Trashy Humor. he/him/who?
Molly Kerr @MollyKerrActor
941 Followers 1K Following Waiting for my call back from Disney re: Labyrinth reboot.
Delaney Byrd (Brannig.. @delaneymbyrd
1K Followers 5K Following #music-#tech nerd. big 🧡 for #comedy, #tennis 🎾, sour candy, live ent. fmrly @wearehurdl, @billsilvamgmt, @livenation. @belmontu 🎓. @techstars music alum 17.
Samuel Stanciel @ChicagoSprts1
29 Followers 191 Following
Single Boy Seeks Girl.. @aWolfAlexander
15 Followers 279 Following Hey! Are you my soulmate? I wrote a book for you. Its on the blog. Check below to see if we match all 20 personality traits! Then read the book and reply. -Alex
RED047 🎧⭕️ @Red047x
4K Followers 4K Following Xbox, Playstation, Horror, Wrestling. Rhea Ripley Fan Gamertag: Red047 PSN: Bloodyripley
James Cepeda @Jamespeda
88 Followers 224 Following Twitter rocks. What could possibly go wrong? | He/Him
BrokeDegen @777BrokeDegen
25 Followers 1K Following 15+ Year Online Poker Pro. Millions of hands, 100s of 1000s of tournaments. WSOP player & lover, WPT Deepstacks Bounty Champ. MMA / NCAA BB expert.
Antônia @antniaamartins
1 Followers 24 Following
Funny Bone Comedy Clu.. @FunnyBoneClubs
4K Followers 2K Following Visit our site to find a venue near you! 🎟️🍺🍷🍽️
Orlando Funny Bone @FunnyBoneORL
5K Followers 3K Following 🎙️ Formerly the Improv Comedy Club 📍 Located in Pointe Orlando
Sheauson @Sheauson187267
28 Followers 2K Following
Local Celebrity Victi.. @CowboyCliche
647 Followers 818 Following
CHRONIC Campaign @chronic_action
1K Followers 5K Following Arts Comedy & Science Social Justice Campaign • Chronic Illness & Disability • Science page ⬇️ Arts page: https://t.co/E2qSDNLEdQ🙏🏷️☕️ https://t.co/fosjDeOMYP
James Burris @Realpraise101
8 Followers 36 Following
Bonnie Burton✍️�.. @bonniegrrl
64K Followers 9K Following WRITER/EDITOR: Books, Comics, Games, TV, Podcasts & more at @StarWars @Disney @CBS @CNET @Wizards_Magic @HuntAKillerInc @QuirkBooks @DreamWorks @PenguinRandom
Heather McClung @Lilbitty734
4 Followers 92 Following
Dancer @TexasHippie12
163 Followers 5K Following
Art Autonomy @ArtAutonomy
2K Followers 2K Following Founder of Art & Autonomy|Intuitive Artist| Healer|Mentor| Happy Mama| Become your own creator by knowing thy self
KarenC @KarenC2187
0 Followers 10 Following
jess ☮ @heymisterragerr
241 Followers 389 Following
Mae @mae_white58
103 Followers 3K Following
Abortion Access Front @AbortionFront
17K Followers 2K Following AAF is a nonprofit that supports abortion. Our pod FEMINIST BUZZKILLS LIVE!” delivers abortion news w/ experts and expletives. Eps drop Fridays!
Bro I’m Day Trading @broimdaytrading
34 Followers 391 Following Hobby: Trading Passion: Make jokes about trading Twitch/Reddit: @broimdaytrading
Laura Kightlinger @KingKightlinger
10K Followers 1K Following
Rey Lavado @JayCFresco
229 Followers 517 Following
Michaela Flum @mflumm
289 Followers 5K Following
Karin Regan 🟧 @katregan2016
490 Followers 2K Following Fluent in sarcasm & swearing #BLM #LGBTQ Ally & lastly, get out of my way!
Jerome Taylor appeari.. @InAnIntWorld
135 Followers 407 Following Political Geographer Opinions my own and ought to be yours. "...with liberty and justice for ALL." Comments may contain nuts. Only the Fireborn understand Blue.
Zadie North @NorthZadie
0 Followers 725 Following![[Explicit rating] words are words, roses are roses, and Twitter is the place where I throw thoughts fully formed or half-baked…](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/471817635860983808/cNEw2KND.png)
Ron Gillmore @rongillmore
876 Followers 1K Following [Explicit rating] words are words, roses are roses, and Twitter is the place where I throw thoughts fully formed or half-baked…
Lauren McMullen @Laurenmcmulle10
11 Followers 252 Following
Sam Morril @sammorril
215K Followers 931 Following Stand-up Comic. Knicks fan. See me in your city: https://t.co/NGdY2cYtXP
Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi @roywoodjr
438K Followers 6K Following I tell the truth like white draws. FORMER: @TheDailyShow CURRENT: Social Recluse. FAMU grad reppin 205. Took me 5 yrs to get a 4yr degree, don't take me serious
gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi
64K Followers 7K Following “you miss 100% of the shots you take” -my high school basketball coach
Shane Gillis @Shanemgillis
449K Followers 833 Following Matt and Shane’s secret podcast : Gilly & Keeves
MILKY WAY GHETTO 🌌 @JayJurden
30K Followers 2K Following he/him. comic / actor / writer / X-Men nerd/writer! - bisexual demon / booking - https://t.co/ikhegHrDPH
Brendan Sagalow @BrendanSagalow
11K Followers 903 Following Stand up Cormedian and, podcaster (sorry)
Jessica Kirson @JessicaKirson
71K Followers 3K Following Comedian 🎤 Traveling Clown 🤡 Producer ⭐️ NYC 🗽Follow me on Tik Tok @jessicakirson Follow me on Instagram @jessykirson #alwaysbesilly
Amy Miller @amymiller
27K Followers 3K Following 💜✌️ female comedian / coastal elite white trash / not talking to you, talking to your dog / never not touching my head
Todd Barry @toddbarry
300K Followers 1K Following YouTube: DOMESTIC SHORTHAIR Netflix: SPICY HONEY Prime: THE CROWD WORK TOUR Book: THANK YOU FOR COMING TO HATTIESBURG https://t.co/AgBudWd5Ff & @ToddBarryPdcast
Tim Dillon @TimJDillon
789K Followers 656 Following Stand up comic. CEO of Fake Business. Podcast: The Tim Dillon Show. LIVE/MERCH LINK ⬇️
Chris O'Connor @aChrisOConnor
17K Followers 510 Following Tires | Samesies | Showborhood | https://t.co/FBBGYU0Bk4
i can be your long lo.. @PallaviGunalan
93K Followers 2K Following
Samantha Ruddy @samlymatters
49K Followers 2K Following Comedian from the Tonight Show & the Late Show. Dozens of followers on TikTok.
Sarah Tollemache @stollemache
19K Followers 1K Following I’m taping my new special Oct 11th at @grove34 https://t.co/a3F3ZINwdv
Kristin Chirico @KristinChirico
115K Followers 2K Following Now: The Kitchen and Jorn Show, was: BuzzFeed’s Ladylike. Writer, Comedian. Reconnecting Haudenosaunee 🪶Fat. She/they 🏳️🌈Biz: [email protected]
EvoLife Wellness @EvoLifeWellness
4 Followers 1 Following With us, you can submit your prescription today and get started on the path to wellness without the wait. Choose ease, choose efficiency—choose Evolife.
Tree Town Comedy Fest.. @treetowncomedy
23 Followers 22 Following February 28 - March 2, 2024 Stand-up comedy shows with national headliners while spotlighting our favorite comedians from around Michigan & beyond
Daniel Simonsen @Daniel_Simonsen
10K Followers 688 Following From Bergen, Norway. The kinda guy who edits and reposts his tweets.
More Than Tracy Turnb.. @morethantracyt
2K Followers 653 Following the podcast about fat representation in entertainment & media🎙hosted by @abbyrosemorris_ & @sillygooseluz ✨
Mayo 🤍 @MayoIsSpicyy
362K Followers 30K Following Condiments against fascism. 🤍 Must love dogs and democracy. I write obituaries for fun.
Steve Bennett @SteveChortle
9K Followers 265 Following Editor of comedy website Chortle - but all the work stuff is at @chortle. Every tweet will inevitably be followed by someone giving it a star rating
Comedy Exterior @ComedyExterior
131K Followers 503 Following Comedy, common sense, and based takes for outsiders
Cristela Alonzo @cristela9
47K Followers 1K Following Podcast: https://t.co/roKdARojsk Stand-up 🎤: #MiddleClassy #LowerClassy @netflix Book: #MusictoMyYears Sitcom: #Cristela #DallasCowboys #ClipperNation
Laura Peek @laurapeek_
10K Followers 941 Following standup, sweetheart, likes the outdoors💧🌿🍉🦀 • from Nashville, in LA • IG - @ laurapeekcomedy • mgmt - [email protected] & [email protected]
Andy Kindler @AndyKindler
135K Followers 7K Following A Comedium. Mort on #BobsBurgers Podcast: @thought_spiral with @JElvisWeinstein https://t.co/DLxHtjMc5n #FOT he/him
Exploding Topics @explodingtopics
32K Followers 200 Following Discover rapidly growing trends before they take off.
GAY SHAME COMEDY SHOW.. @GayShameComedy
357 Followers 86 Following monthly queer comedy show by @elykreimendahl & @sheriadidthat! next up 4/16 😻 7:30pm 💅🏻 @unionhallny 🌈
LISA CURRY @lisa_curry
17K Followers 1K Following Comedian • Writer • Succubus • Opening Act @jimjefferies • @WGAWest @TelevisionAcad @RecordingAcad • Cohost @doomscrollshow
Queer Podcasters' Net.. @QueerPodNet
466 Followers 380 Following Connecting, inspiring, and enabling LGBTQ podcasters and audio professionals around the world. Together we rise. Search "QPN Pod" in your podcatcher for tips!
Chris Coelen @CCoelen
2K Followers 418 Following #LoveIsBlind #MarriedAtFirstSight #PerfectMatch #TheUltimatum #ClaimToFame
Jeff Cesario @RealJeffCesario
6K Followers 2K Following Album "What Was I Thinking?" on Sirius 97. Comic/writer - Sanders, Latifah, Brian Regan. Hosting “Strip Mall Think Tank” on Apple Pcasts w/ @Jakethis
Jon Savitt @savittj
12K Followers 2K Following Optioned/produced screenwriter. Comedy writer. @netflix @funnyordie @collegehumor @mythical @NBC @vulture @TIME, jcc basketball champion
Queery Podcast @queerycast
6K Followers 287 Following It's identity. It's community. It's Queery. With @cameronesposito. Now with @MaxFunHQ.
Annie Connell-Bryan @aconnellbryan
2K Followers 5K Following Planning editor @politico. She/they. Alum: @phillyinquirer, @time, @cbsnews, @bbc, @cjr, & other news acronyms.
Tyler Morin @JPMorinChase
13K Followers 1K Following Suck a little less at investing with my daily markets news and insights newsletter 💦 Join 120k+ investors who read @watercoolesthq daily👇
Dr. Grin's {Comedy Cl.. @DrGrins
3K Followers 655 Following We're here to bring you the best national & local stand-up comedy acts! Thursday, Friday, & Saturday nights | 8pm shows 18+. late shows 21+. no exceptions
Jon Fisch @JonnyFisch
4K Followers 893 Following comedian / aspiring civilian / Appearance on The Late Show w/ Stephen Colbert https://t.co/rNWrTHN7rr
Annie Feng @Annie7_v
597 Followers 4K Following The so-called living people are the ones who keep on challenging and climbing the dangerous peaks of fate.
Alex Kealy @alexkealy
10K Followers 5K Following Stand-up comic + writer. Host of @gigpigspodcast with @ivograham Linktree (insta, site, tix,podcast, mailing list): https://t.co/y7WlYi4kDd
Tom Cowell @MrTomCowell
1K Followers 947 Following NYC. Ex-@ComedyCentral (digital originals, linear promos + everything social). Currently @Waze making cool stuff.
LET'S COMEDY! @LetsComedyFTW
958 Followers 549 Following A group of dedicated folks helping to bring the best comedians in the land to the Midwest. #FTW, #INDY + beyond
Mary Cheever @MissCheeevious
114 Followers 445 Following
Ted Alexandro @tedalexandro
26K Followers 1K Following Comedian. Five comedy specials. Watch “Cut/Up” on YouTube.
Bad Queers Podcast @badqueerspod
1K Followers 2K Following Bad Queers Kris & Shana will leave you both offended & inspired by challenging stereotypes of the very fluid LGBTQ+ experience 🌈
Joey Camasta @joeycamasta
30K Followers 497 Following Comedian. Podcaster. Foodie. Beauty Guru @barstoolsports
Out and About @OutandAboutpod
9K Followers 108 Following A podcast by @barstoolPAT & @joeycamasta, aka Trish and Nana. #MaamMafia #GoonPlatoon
Daphnique springs @DaphniqueS
46 Followers 35 Following I’m Your Spirit Animal!🐆 Stand-Up Comic, Writer & Actress. Featured 4 Martin Lawrence & Toured W/ Katt Williams😼All Def Comedy HBO 👋🏾Hi, My Springers!
Murderpuss Valenzuela @annavisfunny
2K Followers 1K Following Comedian, writer, podcaster. upcoming album: MURDERPUSS
Mad Talent Agency @MadTalent
2K Followers 2K Following We subscribe to the idea that LAUGHTER is the BEST medicine! ■ A Talent Agency SOLELY devoted to Comedy & Comedians
Stand Up NY @StandUpNY
15K Followers 4K Following Live comedy shows Thursday-Saturday at @Bond45NYC! 🗽
filter:follows -filte.. @cole_eliot
547 Followers 2K Following Use my screen name (that filter stuff) in a search and tap 'latest' ... YOU'RE WELCOME! -- eliotcole on 'sky -- pic is by @PhotoLauraLewis ❤️
Mark Watson @watsoncomedian
262K Followers 4K Following ‘One of the most genuinely joyous presences in comedy’ - The Times. Tour dates and book details on website. Personal messages https://t.co/4P0kjAp17O
Once again, Harvey Weinstein gets off without anyone wanting him to
USC went from cancelling their valedictorian’s commencement speech on a made up claim of safety, to canceling all commencement speakers, to canceling commencement altogether—all to prevent the student USC educated on genocide studies from applying her USC education at USC.😑
“never used the n word” is a WILD standard for claiming someone’s not racist
no history of racism, never used the n word, never harm black people but some black people on this app want her to be racist so bad. you will never see tham dragging justin bieber or hailey baldwin this hard.
you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me.
Get tickets to my @NetflixIsAJoke show in LA. I never do long sets locally so here’s your one chance, May 6th. One show only. new.hotelcafe.com/event/netflix-…
I attempted to survive 7 days in an abandoned city... can't believe places like this exist
May 23rd. Can’t believe it.
Who’s ready for Tires?
Uncut, uncensored, unbeatable. Watch our livestream of a full 2 hour standup show from the iconic @ComedyCellarUSA this Saturday, only on mintcomedy.com! Featuring: @JamesLmattern @harrisoncomedy @MEATBRICKMOLLY #ethansimmonspatterson @IamEmmaWillmann…
@michaelkosta @IamEmmaWillmann @JordanRock843 @AshleyAustinMo1 @lizmiele @RobbySlowik @joederosacomedy @ENeum @noredavis @mrseanpatton 🔥 @KrystynaHutch, @ENeum, @AshleyAustinMo1, @EagleWitt at 10:15p at EAST VILLAGE Get tix⤵️ newyorkcomedyclub.com/events/krystyn…
@iamcardib "can you send me that pic you took of me wit ya camera from vanity fair? Thank youuu 💋" OH GIRL U ARE NASTY😭
I think there might be some confusion on what was said. I asked why he feels so comfortable calling me Mexican? I have no Mexican parents. My mom is Trini.. she came out of a whole black woman. My father is Dominican…I’m Dominican just like you. I also used other Dominicans as…
no offense bardi its cus i have a dominican parent & a black one 😭🖤
@IamEmmaWillmann Nice little joke on our divided nation. You're not normally my type but u are funny as hell and crossed pathed cupla times...saw you're on the thing is podcast pretty recently. There I saw you mentioned "aliens" but it's just "UFOs" the government admitted
This Week at Helium | @LiamCullagh, @IamEmmaWillmann, @mary_santora will be Upstairs, + @iamdesibanks headlines the weekend! Grab tickets now: bit.ly/3QzPDCy
@IamEmmaWillmann and those that put nuts in chocolate chip cookies. just, no.
@calvinjburke So many in the comments completely missed the point. It's not a problem of math being difficult. The problem is that econ theory is a behavioral science too often pretending to be STEM. x.com/calvinjburke/s…
I was like “By the time I got to the 400 level Econ courses, I noticed that, rather than justifying the underlying assumptions of our discipline, they were throwing calculus into models with no grounding. It was like Nietzsche quote, ‘They muddy the water to make it seem deep’”
One like & I will email the finance prof “Dr. Dubil, Thank you for the wonderful elevator exchange on Thursday. I shared some of it on Twitter and it resonated with a few others. If you still know how to read, you may enjoy their comments also. Indubitably yours, Calvin Burke”
What makes this funnier was he began the conversation by poking fun at my broken toe—& I replied “I’m impressed you made that observation, considering you work in the Business School!” In an all seriousness, the finance professor was a fantastic guy & really great to talk to.
“When I pointed this out, they declared me a heretic. At first I was confused—but decided they may be right. So, where does a heretic go, Professor? That’s right: The only place in a University where theory actually touches ground—the English Department.” His face was ASHEN.
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