Rory Rusch @RoryRusch
I'm a parents death away from being homeless Joined August 2012-
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Followers378
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Following261
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Roses are red, violets are blue, could I just like maybe borrow 20 bucks or something?
*drenched in sweat* I’m here to jerk off on the train and chew bubble gum. And I’m all out of jerking off on the train. Could I have a piece of gum please?
Don’t you hate it when you sit on the urinal and it’s still warm from the last person?
I wanna get two cats and name them 9 and 11. But say it’s from stranger things.
My name is Rory but my therapist calls me “are you a danger to yourself right now” She said it the first time we met and it just kind of stuck?
*sitting at a bus stop seeing an Uber full of people laughing* “ugh, the luxuries of the 1 percent…”
Has there been a porn parody where remy from ratatouille pulls on his pubes to make him have sex real good?
The craziest part about billionaires is they waste their money on stupid shit like oppressing the poor
*hiking on a trail during a beautiful day* “This isn’t like the inside of a bar at all?!”
I’d love to hang but I have some fucking my own ass to do. (Financially, emotionally, and most importantly, physically)
When it comes to my finances I’m not very liquid. I know that because I had to google what liquid was, on someone else phone.
A lot of my rich friends have a lot of money in stocks and bitcoin. At the moment most of my money is tied up in food stamps.
There isn’t a funnier response to anything ever said, no matter what it is. “OH YEAH?!!?
Living paycheck to paycheck is being the absolute richest man alive for a week and being the poorest person ever the second week.
If you knock on a stall door in a public bathroom I think you should be forced to kill your self in front of your loved ones.
Defense attorney: “listen… people die everyday. You could die in 40 years of cancer… You could get hit by car tomorrow…. You could die by my client’s hand… What’s the difference?”
I was looking for something in my desk and I found a framed photo of me and my ex I didn’t know I still had and oh BOY did it make me sad HAHAHAHA
I love every time I shave my beard I get a handful of people shockingly say, “you’re actually not that unattractive” And the way I blush 😍😍
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@streetfighthard When your dad has a twin brother. 😂
The climax to the first arc of #TheStormlightArchive series is coming & the fate of the world—& the Cosmere—will hang in the balance. Add #WindandTruth to your shelf Friday, December 6, 2024 @torbooks @gollancz Pre-order: geni.us/WINDANDTRUTH
Early in life, I was taught to live by THE GOLDEN RULE. And that's what I did. But I JUST found out that THE GOLDEN RULE has nothing to do with piss. Like not even a little bit. So, if that's true, then tell me this: what the HELL have I been doing all these years?
@RoryRusch no they’ve tried but training the rat is a nightmare
Hey, all. When Stormlight 5 is out and you've read it, remember to ask me what happened in my writing on July 18th. I wrote an important scene yesterday that I think might be worthy of a little extra special notation.
Here's the link to watch my YouTube special, premiering at 7:00 tonight. youtube.com/watch?v=XwwRuM…
My special comes out for free on YouTube May 22nd. Here's a nice article in @isthmus about it. isthmus.com/arts/comedy/ma…
I’m at the point in my life where I look at my naked body in the mirror and say “gross” then do nothing about it
Having to get IT help from a resident at the nursing home because I’ve never sent a fax before
Earth's crust is 10% rock and 90% forgotten middle school time capsules
@RoryRusch "Actually what's your email I can send over some step-by-steps"
@RoryRusch "We never say this but you're gonna wanna go ahead and do it"
Never use the lord's name in vain #thirdcommandment vine.co/v/b3PrBvYWAQr
It is my most profound belief that if you hold in diarrhea it will turn into normal shit after a couple hours
I tweeted about this once and then my friends have tweeted about this, and I just wanted to tweet about it again. Look at this! That's a poster you could own! Weird Al owned it in the 1970's! That's DoomsdayLLC
I dont think i’ve ever been sadder in my entire life than right now. Its ok. This isnt a funny post, lol but funny people are so sad and thats like…kind of funny right? Wtf is wrong with us seriously. I love all you stoopid asses so much, you make it worth it to keep trying.
pussy is lowkey goated in situations where making my dick feel good is a the vibe
Salt Lake City is not as Mormon as I thought. They got bars, coffee shops, and the best throuples massage I've ever had.
I'm tired of these brother fucking snakes on this brother fucking plane.
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