Sweet Momissa @sweetmomissa
Like the song only saltier. Started as a blogger now I’m here. twitter.com/search?q=from%… Fort Something Joined December 2018-
Tweets124K
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Followers44K
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Following10K
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Likes194K
No one: Me: "The word "Militia" just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa."
Melissa, militia, tomato, tomahto
I’ll catch you on memory lane.
unless you can be more satisfying than this Costco hotdog I just ate I don’t want it
I figure if I keep posting, someone is bound to pay me hush money.
I’m a real life Gen X but I’m a twitter boomer walking around muttering to myself “back in my day this place was fun”
So boring, even Alexa pretends she doesn't hear you anymore
It’s 2024 and I get my sports news from an account called ‘ballsack sports’
The gift of a non severe evening thunderstorm.
Receive thank you email, fight urge to send back thank you email for the thank you email
*Brings hugs to a knife fight* Cause some people just need one.
If you want the missing sock in a pair to reappear, all you have to do is throw out the other sock. The missing one will show up soon after.
She wouldn't have chosen the bear if you had just loved her when she was a worm.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I told the birthday clown on the other side of the ball pit the same thing I told the vasectomy doctor, you cross that threshold and I might start swinging
Maintaining inner peace by remembering other people’s opinions of me are none of my business.
Check on your friends who had to homeschool their kids during the pandemic, we are still not right in the head.
Might start replying to every email with "You do you, Boo."
Me: it’s so cool how my friends are getting viral tweets now. Also me: I got a viral tweet? Ew, gross.
Marriage is basically yelling things at each other from different rooms.
Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezburJessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlvThat Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6your other mom @difficultpatty
37K Followers 970 Following Bad at hydrangeas. Ibuprofen enthusiast. We write jokes here. https://t.co/sVPCoTC4PwReal Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...vision bored @visionbored2
43K Followers 987 FollowingBurning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire
75K Followers 2K Following Smooth like nitroglycerin. Sidekick to @gingerhotdishmom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link belowNurseBrianRN @rn_murse
19K Followers 826 Following Singer-Songscreamer I Gay Homosexual I Pubic Figure | Fourth Thingnatalayhehoo @highprobably1
38K Followers 3K Following This is not the profile you’re looking for. Gemini and Vol for life. Taken not stirred.I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 942 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohj𝐀 𝐌 𝐀 𝐍 �.. @littlegiinge
66K Followers 18K Following I'm a silly kinda weird.. Coffee please? -`ღ´- https://t.co/OMVnn385QHLaura Marie @lmegordon
25K Followers 2K Following I'm a mom, a nationally-ranked complainer, and an aspiring novelist.Henry @willa80488
48 Followers 1K Following I am a lively and cheerful girl who would like to meet a good friend.Katrina Gulliver @katrinagulliver
12K Followers 7K Following Creator of the #twitterstorians. Bylines everywhere. Member @hdxacademy, @bookcritics. Newsletter: https://t.co/C7txURB0eWJoe Y. @joe_yurchukonis
2K Followers 3K Following ULTRA MAGA 🇺🇸 wine & spirits. I stand with Donald J Trump 2024 ❤️keanu reeves @keanureeve34738
105 Followers 950 FollowingRed Beard @RedBeard_805
81 Followers 331 Following life is short… enjoy that mofo! #Aviation✈️ #Sports 🏈⚾️🏀🏒#Outdoors⛺️#DIY🔨Sofa King anti-fragil.. @CarlF68
901 Followers 3K Following I identify as Z28.310 | 🇺🇸 | Small Biz Owner | Army Veteran | 🇳🇱 | GETTR: @sgt_hulka filter:follows-filter:replies include:nativeretweetsDLTN @DeadOnThePage
111 Followers 296 Following Frantic pendantic. Obsessive depressive. Chronic histrionic.Lights Camera Vin Smi.. @VincentWho_X
2K Followers 3K Following “Everyone keeps telling me how my story is supposed to go…Nah I’m a do my own thing” “Never be cruel, or cowardly”Different Mike @localareamike
441 Followers 2K Following Dad (FT) ▪ Government Hack (FT) ▪ Super-hilarious (PT) ▪ Nobody here can dance like meKendal Smith @therealksmitty1
559 Followers 1K Following Music / West Coast Swing dancing / Acoustic Guitar / Wine snob..kinda / BBQ/Smoking / KC CHIEFS!!Sharp stick in the ey.. @cary_casada
2K Followers 2K Following Independent libertarian leaning conservative creationist-no party affiliationBallerchic @ballerchic83
180 Followers 875 Following Married! on here for fun, laughs, and that’s it. love a good gif and meme. No DMs 🚫Doc Johnny Fever🎙 @NikiMarinis
6K Followers 2K Following Weird Girl🔮Co-host of @LyricalCrimes podcast 🎤 Writer of dating & relationship comedy gold 💋📝 “You’re a Gen-X wet dream” - @MickeyBlowtorchLeonid @leonid0oct
384 Followers 4K Following military man 🇺🇦Proud Ukrainian Citizen volunteering & defending my mother's land offensively Slava Ukraine, pray and help us win this war Support Ukraine🇺🇦Derek Hartmann 🇺�.. @DerekHartmann
62 Followers 267 Following Super nerd who loves tech and building/fixing anything. Engineer at the best company in the world! Husband to an amazing woman and Dad to the best kiddoIgor Kosman @JoshuaB32386334
1K Followers 4K Following Ukraine belong to us , freedom is sure in our motherslandSherry @MsRedWriting
17K Followers 17K Following Life experienced, people passionate, world weary, writer, eccentric, hater of injustice and in need of a good makeover :-)perpetually lost @lostvalley0
2K Followers 4K Following fondling my pains and in relationship with words and my mirror soul https://t.co/pXWlE7EqszDayton @hixson85
343 Followers 2K FollowingAdemilekan Emmanuel @emmanuel91749
3 Followers 43 FollowingDr frank Jordan @DrfrankJor97832
669 Followers 4K Following Be king👑 Be happy😊 Be honest🏆 Be focus👀 Be you🌱Jonas ladekjaer @amirkhan7004
102 Followers 925 Following Sound engineer; Guitarist, Country music lover , Head chaserice sounds God bless you allTorrie Hanson @HansonTorr5932
1 Followers 20 Followingpretty side 🦋🇧�.. @R22Mels
13 Followers 171 Following just enjoying the moment💥🤍🥂 to live is Christ ✝️❤️Buck @MrBumToYou
407 Followers 815 Following Construction Superintendent, Pipeliner, Oil & Gas, Day Drinker.Tuna @Tuna14363077366
0 Followers 7 FollowingMalcolm Curzons @MCurzons98948
94 Followers 176 Followingsafe @saff332951
5 Followers 8 FollowingJaciel Teixera machad.. @jaciel16460
0 Followers 3 FollowingDavon Brooks @DavonBrooks01
84 Followers 32 FollowingBonnie Parkers Silk c.. @funfunfunnyfun
195 Followers 228 Following #ThatfunThing Adult Natural Female Lesbian for DM. Sensual, funny, casual intellectual. Slippery. Seeker of Beauty💋✨Barba Roja @jcontreras1212
387 Followers 566 FollowingDadman Walking @dadmann_walking
56K Followers 1K Following introvert. Husband. Dad of 3. bourbon fund: Venmo- Shane83 My links! https://t.co/X1R5q5AVST seen in @Buzzfeed @Menshumor @HuffPostParents @cheezburJessie @mommajessiec
77K Followers 6K Following *awkward silence* Mom to four, wife to one. Like I am to most things, I came here late too.Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
43K Followers 6K Following Disappointing people since 1968. | EVERYTHING: https://t.co/JN2RmmKWfK | Latest Tweets: https://t.co/BuhDfbbFkq | Top Tweets: https://t.co/3B9KMSYvlvThat Mom Tho @mom_tho
47K Followers 3K Following contributor @scarymommy @romper [email protected] Tweets: https://t.co/5zWeBtUUx6your other mom @difficultpatty
37K Followers 970 Following Bad at hydrangeas. Ibuprofen enthusiast. We write jokes here. https://t.co/sVPCoTC4PwReal Life Mommy @reallifemommy3
33K Followers 3K Following Twitter is cheaper than therapy. Tweets are mine 👀@huffpost @TODAY_Parents @buzzfeed @babycenter @chicagotribune @boredpanda @thepoke @thechive ...vision bored @visionbored2
43K Followers 987 FollowingBurning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire
75K Followers 2K Following Smooth like nitroglycerin. Sidekick to @gingerhotdishmom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo
27K Followers 3K Following https://t.co/lKTwNPcAGY @momsoverhere on IG. Mommin’ the best I can with low standards. Featured in @HuffPost, @Buzzfeed, @Today_Parents and more.NicholasG @Dad_At_Law
23K Followers 4K Following Father of girls, Husband of wife, Coach of kids. Protagonist for the People in court, yet to win an argument at home. *ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ ᵒᵖⁱⁿⁱᵒⁿˢ*meghan @deloisivete
20K Followers 3K Following mother of boys | surrounded by a chaos of my own making | tweets in link belowNurseBrianRN @rn_murse
19K Followers 826 Following Singer-Songscreamer I Gay Homosexual I Pubic Figure | Fourth Thingnatalayhehoo @highprobably1
38K Followers 3K Following This is not the profile you’re looking for. Gemini and Vol for life. Taken not stirred.I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids
20K Followers 1K Following freelance writer | content creator | someone once told me I was funny, for a mom | featured on BuzzFeed, Today Parents, HuffPost & more | Read my tweets👇One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom
14K Followers 942 Following wife || mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable || my tweets ➡️ https://t.co/zTOnobXohj𝐀 𝐌 𝐀 𝐍 �.. @littlegiinge
66K Followers 18K Following I'm a silly kinda weird.. Coffee please? -`ღ´- https://t.co/OMVnn385QHLaura Marie @lmegordon
25K Followers 2K Following I'm a mom, a nationally-ranked complainer, and an aspiring novelist.Doc Johnny Fever🎙 @NikiMarinis
6K Followers 2K Following Weird Girl🔮Co-host of @LyricalCrimes podcast 🎤 Writer of dating & relationship comedy gold 💋📝 “You’re a Gen-X wet dream” - @MickeyBlowtorchperpetually lost @lostvalley0
2K Followers 4K Following fondling my pains and in relationship with words and my mirror soul https://t.co/pXWlE7EqszCaro Line @CaroHarp
6K Followers 7K Following Writer. Researcher. Harpist. Artist. Professionally, I run criminal background checks. Independently, I conduct research projects, and write novels. #writerGemma 💫☕️ @gemc888
3K Followers 2K Following I like mountains, physics, and good times. “I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way”- Voltaire. No DMs.Raychull🐝 @raedeeebrnz
399 Followers 2K Following Lover of nature, warm cups of tea, and three day weekends. Wife of @Zbeees1 • Girl mom • TAURUS. Ennea TWO, strong type 4.📍TXA Dad @RockwellVIPER
2K Followers 5K Following Married father of 4. I love the obfuscated business of Healthcare. Former Healthcare Distribution Exec. Better Together. The Next Right Thing. Sober 9 years.Kirsten Usman @KirstenUsman
5K Followers 4K Following Dark fantasy author. Angel by day. Demon by night. Occasional lawyer.Disheveled Mom @wittysnuggles
5K Followers 6K Following Not my real name. 40s toddler mom. Unapologetically blunt relationship therapist. Featured on @MSNBC @CNN @FoxNews @SternShow @NYPost🏳️⚧️🏳�.. @murph_mama
5K Followers 4K Following https://t.co/wUIQeG7QET https://t.co/6LUbdvyZ5e she/herms.sinn @ms_sinn
1K Followers 3K Following co-owner @punkymomsdotcom | Tech VP + Consultant | Left Coast | #punkrock | same handle on threads etc: @ms_sinnGalen Halverson @Norbachf
423 Followers 443 FollowingResting Dad Face @duckinspokane
508 Followers 1K Following Politics, sports (Go Ducks!!!), and music. Not necessarily in that order. When I’m funny it’s usually by accident.Leslie Gray Streeter @LeslieStreeter
19K Followers 6K Following Columnist, @BaltimoreBanner. Author “Black Widow,” Little, Brown. Holds fake PhD in GenX pop culture. Judging your crab cake. Repped by Glass Literary. She/Her.Melissa (M²) @ToolGirl18
376 Followers 645 Following Just trying to get through each day. ♑🐐✌️💗🪬🌜 Because some of y'all can't behave, no DMs🇺🇦Gnome de Guer.. @Gnome_DeGuerre
1K Followers 3K Following I enjoy overthinking and worrying about things over which I have no control. Neil Gaiman retweeted me. Formerly @ryno_san. RN. #Sober φιλόμαστος now on b skynopejustkate @katethequaint
935 Followers 950 Following Not Kate the Great, just a tribute. 🏳️🌈♻️☮️Funny Medicine Podcas.. @FunnyMedPodcast
1K Followers 2K Following Medicine but make it funny #FunnyMedicinePodcast #medtwitter #meded #comedyA. Artem @archpaintings
7K Followers 7K Following UPenn 🏫 Books 📚 Writing ✍️ 📖 Artist. Management Professional. Married. Fighting with my own immune system.😅 Connecting here with the World ❤️Jesse @jverona77
16K Followers 15K Following dad of 2. blue voter, always….also @jverona77 on BlueSky but never there - Occasionally funny.erica @ericanextdooor
10K Followers 9K Following making parlays & petting strays • 𝐣𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐤𝐞𝐥𝐜𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐩𝐚𝐠𝐞🌸 𝗍rᥱᥲsᥲ�.. @crazylilgapeach
257 Followers 579 Following sіgmᥲ 𝖿ᥱmᥲᥣᥱ. ᥴᥣᥱ᥎ᥱr ᥣіᑲrᥲrіᥲᥒ. s᥆ᥣі𝗍ᥲrᥡ ᥕі𝗍ᥴһ. mᥡ s᥆ᥙᥣ іs ᥲᥒᥴіᥱᥒ𝗍, ᥕіᥣძ ᥲᥒძ 𝖿ᥙᥣᥣ ᥆𝖿 mᥲgіᥴ. ᥡ᥆ᥙ’ᥣᥣ ᥒᥱ᥎ᥱr 𝗍ᥲmᥱ mᥱ.Bones 🇨🇦 @Wititup
2K Followers 2K Following I sometimes say the first thing that pops in my head and it always gets me in trouble. - I also- 📸 for fun… #Billsmafia 🔱OneToothTe𝕏an @OneToothTeXan
3K Followers 3K Following 🇺🇸 • artist • smart-ass • freethinker • patriot • 🇺🇸Working_Mom (Taylor�.. @workingmomblog
3K Followers 4K Following Someonе told me, "There's no such thing as bad thoughts. Only your actions talk" 🖤 #LetEmKnow 🔴🟡#ForTheLand 💙❤️ Stockholm N2 N3 🪩Ninja @ninjadadofone
1K Followers 578 Following Proud Dad. Unavailable. Bourbon Drinker. Guitar Player. Professional Procrastinator.Annie @NEWcactusgloves
106 Followers 179 Following 45/F/MN married with 3 kids. Just finding my crazy. tiktok: pizzaandnaps1Real Alexius @Alexius_sc2
3K Followers 3K Following eccentric in a quaint way like dessert spoons, top 0.3% on @duolingoTyler @tdeuce92
592 Followers 2K Following Condiment lover | Hockey Fan | Adult Goofball | Former BabyIt’s Me, M @m4bama
110 Followers 77 Following Proud Momma! Member of the exclusive 40+ Club. As boring as they come. Rebuilding my account from scratch. Bear with me.𝑱𝑨𝑹𝑬𝑫 @JaredMay76
11K Followers 9K Following Here for the memes, news, and laughs. Avid consumer of books, baseball, music, movies & reefer. #BUAlumni #MLB⚾️ #DirtyWaterAnastasia Bverhausen @SemiSophrosyne
2K Followers 2K Following Lover of Peanut Butter. First Wife Kid. AB, a marshmallow on fire. No DMs.Lady J @LostHeartISO
2K Followers 1K Following DJ…exploring writing & poetry here. ♋️explains it all… typically ignores DMs Header: m.razon 🇺🇸 UnavailableJosh @thepanda23_
2K Followers 1K Following Join me as I use humor and the occasional profound thought to navigate through this journey we call life🐼Comfortably Dumb @jim_tworontoe
8K Followers 8K Following Imperfectly average, trying to be better. “People Have the Power”- Patti Smith. 🇨🇦🇺🇸🏳️⚧️ #BLMShauna Louise @shauna_1972
2K Followers 4K Following Gen X social worker. Ontario/Detroit dual. Proud NDP/Dem voter. Pro-choice + common sense gun laws. We need more housing. Also, fuck Trump. 🇨🇦🏳️🌈🇺🇦Lyfe of Ryley @LyfeOfRyley
30K Followers 13K Following True Taurus. This is where I say whatever I want. No filter. Single AF. @ThatGirlRyley My bestie is @luvhugnkisseshigh key based humor @dankcharnley
8K Followers 7K Following Classically Trained Comic • Enthusiast • Writerist • Cartoonist • Avid Reader of Smut • Rib Sauce Judge 🤟 Who Hurt Me?: https://t.co/pQ7raaF6uyDana @Dana_D_X
3K Followers 2K Following Just a 40ish year old bored housewife. I'm usually funny and sometimes hot. Ask about my other page 😈The Dav @Dave_Gasque
1K Followers 3K Following Don't give a crap about my numbers. I do computer stuff. Dig sights & sounds you'd likely hate. I grind salt onto ice cream. I'll add more as I drink.Cannie Oakley: Local .. @Staceballs
4K Followers 5K Following I’m the Ansel Adams of slapping a filter on pics of my lunchjody folk @jody_folk
3K Followers 5K Following Systemic Scleroderma Warrior 14 years.-Ex President Owner Golden Oaks Golf Club, Ex Lehman Trader. trump and radical GQP resistor. BLM and All Lives Matter🐕🦺I was re-reading this and though it is pretty you got me thinking... we're libras and we don't want nor do quiet love... we're loud as hell. We want the windows rattling with the loudness of love @thatlibrachic
Love. Love is a quiet thing, as quiet as a feather falling to the forest floor.
No one: Me: "The word "Militia" just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa."
Hi. I finish grad school today. I hope I’m a smarty pants now.
HI I AM STARTING GRAD SCHOOL NEXT WEEK AND I AM SO EXCITED BE PREPARED FOR ME TO BECOME A SMARTYPANTS
my lock screen is baby me so that every time I want to lose hope I can remind myself that everything I do is for her
@sweetmomissa Everybody has a price M and I can be bought cheap 😂😂
unless you can be more satisfying than this Costco hotdog I just ate I don’t want it
I figure if I keep posting, someone is bound to pay me hush money.
when he tells you to do something and adds ‘for me’ to the end of it >>>
Taught my kids to sprinkle goodness in everything they do just in case they wind up in a core memory ✨️
I’m a real life Gen X but I’m a twitter boomer walking around muttering to myself “back in my day this place was fun”
So boring, even Alexa pretends she doesn't hear you anymore
It’s 2024 and I get my sports news from an account called ‘ballsack sports’
Receive thank you email, fight urge to send back thank you email for the thank you email
*Brings hugs to a knife fight* Cause some people just need one.