Noah Garfinkel @NoahGarfinkel
Writer -- Single Parents, President Show, New Girl, Kroll Show, Workaholics. On Bluesky with the same handle. instagram.com/noahgarfinkel Los Angeles, CA Joined May 2009-
Tweets22K
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Followers46K
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Following1K
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Likes24K
“Hello, police? Yes, it’s a nice day outside.”
“Hello, police? Yes, it’s a nice day outside.”
SINCERE TWEET: I’ve watched too much basketball and need a break. If you have my number, text me if the Boston/Miami game gets back down to a single digit difference.
The only person I could understand being this afraid of stove and car regulation is Guy Fieri.
The only person I could understand being this afraid of stove and car regulation is Guy Fieri.
Me when Free Willy finally jumped over the thing.
One of the easiest ways to score points as a politician is to simply not admit that you have shot a dog in the head.
If someone I like tweeted “Fuck around and find out? Oh, you mean the scientific method?” it would be fine, but if Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweeted it, it would be deeply unfunny.
One part of me feels like when we argue about what people we disagree with “actually want” it’s easier for them to dismiss us because we’re likely not accurately describing the way they understand their own beliefs, but another part of me is a pot head who likes Little Caesar’s.
The reason some graduations are being cancelled is bad and dumb, but I would have been very happy to not have heard 600 names read alphabetically before having to take hungover pictures with my mom.
Did an odor write this?
I can’t believe how many assholes would have to suddenly drop dead for us to get back to just normal baseline bad.
People are freaking out about this, but this is actually one of the few practical ways you can shoot a 19 year old student in the head without getting close enough for them to potentially make fun of you.
People are freaking out about this, but this is actually one of the few practical ways you can shoot a 19 year old student in the head without getting close enough for them to potentially make fun of you.
This would actually be a funny shirt if all the percentages were very low.
This would actually be a funny shirt if all the percentages were very low.
Oh my god, is that what he really thinks?
Sean Connery showing off after doing some weight training.
It saddens me to see NBA playoff commercials lean so heavily on “not a thing,” an overused comedy phrase popularized by improvisers who didn’t know what to say.
I like how most NBA mascots are animals and then the Celtics are like “Well ours is an alcoholic who found a stick.”
Remember growing up so poor you had
I’m no longer sorry. This is actually the only good thing I’ve ever made.
I’m no longer sorry. This is actually the only good thing I’ve ever made.
Kevin Durant makes it seem so miserable to be Kevin Durant and Anthony Edwards makes it seem so fun to be Anthony Edwards.
(Watching anything on TikTok that reframes any shitty part of myself as being neurodivergent.) “Totally.”
Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman
200K Followers 4K Following Year round iced coffee drinker. Stand-up special "People Pleaser" out now. Previously: Last Week Tonight, Mrs. Maisel, Head Writer/EP Desus & Mero.
broti gupta @BrotiGupta
91K Followers 1K Following Simpsons writer Indian women’s humor twitter account https://t.co/5I6PCj7FlM
Carey O'Donnell @ecareyo
68K Followers 3K Following Writer. Co-host of @sexyuniquepod. You didn’t go up there to fish.
Cullen Crawford @HelloCullen
45K Followers 2K Following husband to nine father to a beautiful Christian marine son to a wife father (all that matters) marine to a beautiful son comedy writer but TO WHAT END?!
Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
91K Followers 3K Following Writer for hire, formerly of @insidejob, @FallonTonight, and one time for an aftershow about sharks
Ken Tremendous @KenTremendous
227K Followers 665 Following I'm here: https://t.co/0pPS0cAOOZ. This account will be dormant for a while due to Elon and Trump and the Nazis. Hope to see you all again someday.
Sean O’Connor @seanoconnz
45K Followers 3K Following Comedian. Writer. Mets fan. SOLAR OPPOSITES (Hulu), CLOSE ENOUGH, Norm MacDonald Live and other shows.
DC Pierson @DCpierson
57K Followers 6K Following Wrote the novels THE BOY WHO COULDN'T SLEEP AND NEVER HAD TO and CRAP KINGDOM. Was in DERRICK. https://t.co/RSs3cRMrDr [email protected] he/him
Mike Scollins @mikescollins
34K Followers 1K Following From Marshfield MA. Writer for Late Night with Seth Meyers. Love horror movies. Usually have to pee. He/Him
Christine Nangle @nanglish
54K Followers 1K Following I have a dog who is my baby and I have a baby who is my child.
John Levenstein @johnlevenstein
32K Followers 949 Following Arrested Development, Baskets, Kroll Show, Portlandia, Silicon Valley, and Frankenstein’s Monster’s Monster, Frankenstein
Julie Klausner @julieklausner
123K Followers 3K Following I created #DifficultPeople & co-host @DoubleThreatPod. Other things too. She/her. Jewish. I hate it here.
Tim Kalpakis @TimKalpakis
34K Followers 1K Following Tv writer from @TheBirthdayBoys Between Two Ferns @ComedyBangBang ILYA w/ Sarah Silverman & Digman & in the band @TheSloppyBoys
dylan gelula @DylanGelula
59K Followers 880 Following rhodes scholar studying how surgeons can use robotics for political evil
chris crooke @greenmoose19
80 Followers 396 Following
Erian Oillik @ErianOillik
133 Followers 2K Following
Tom Studdard @StuddardTo54021
1 Followers 23 Following
Pancho & Lefty @lefty_pancho
61 Followers 331 Following opinionated cats who like to investigate. We do our best to translate. #pancho&leftycats
NPR Skanking Dept ☎.. @skankingdept
3K Followers 3K Following Back on my ska twitter bullshit How it is ≠ how it has to be OG Checkerhead. Certified Ikester. Signed by skapunkintl Ska shitposting and mutual aid boosting
Braves Culture @ForTheA_
1K Followers 2K Following All things Braves. Will not stop until @BlooperBraves follows me. #ForTheA #BattleATL
Julianne @denosaurRAWR
5 Followers 340 Following
Lily Anne @Lily_Anne_Lv
631 Followers 582 Following Entrepreneur💻 Vietnamese American🇺🇸🇻🇳 - Texas 🦬, Free girl 👸👸, Active member of the charity community for children 👶❤️
Margie galt @galt_margie
10 Followers 162 Following
Jason Bennett @jasonmbennett
150 Followers 306 Following Beard enthusiast. Cat fancier. Opinions are my own.
Letap Nahsrad @ShandarTelpa
69 Followers 1K Following
Ryan @ryanlewprice
93 Followers 2K Following
daveynot @daveynot1
1 Followers 131 Following A fat person is more cuddly than a thin person even if they've shaved
Finny @fin17212
22 Followers 327 Following
John Prestridge @johnwprestridge
422 Followers 373 Following Assistant Professor of Instructional Leadership AAMU Auburn Alum #WarEagle
seth @the_gramble
531 Followers 372 Following
Bert Cooper @BertCooperknows
64 Followers 44 Following You have a fundamental misunderstanding of what went wrong here
Chad Bailey Werner @thechadwerner
148 Followers 297 Following writer. actor. director. @thecuddlesquad
Saint Expedite @saintexp
173 Followers 1K Following Team Vincent Black Lightning, Cheats at Cribbage, Proud Democrat, Amateur Dog Walker. 🚅
Cape Cod Designs @CapeCodApparel
284 Followers 2K Following 🍀https://t.co/oOQwYZIun2💥FREE SHIPPING Worldwide 💥SPRING SALE; %25 Off on Orders +$50 💥APRIL DEAL; Subscribe and GET Additional %10 Off
erik g @thegreasetruck
33 Followers 644 Following
Mo Bigsly @BigslyMo83394
1 Followers 11 Following
Michael Rainey @mikerainey82
26K Followers 2K Following
Jeff @mes_James_James
10 Followers 122 Following
bta. @briantarnold
109 Followers 144 Following Screenwriter // Bellevue & IAG. In The End. Electric Dreams. 2021 Black List. WGA Strong. Barely on Twitter.
stefanie 💕 @stefphanee
400 Followers 910 Following hi, I like Cats and move to USA, love and Name is Stefanie !!! Sorry English not Best, CN (华语), DE, OK! 华语 / 閩南話 / eng / ¥ / $ / € / deu / خليجي / فارسی
Steven Murphy @murf_steven
3 Followers 14 Following
Danny @dratel
327 Followers 2K Following Buffaloian, Teacher, Music Lover, Avid reader and sports fan.
Scott Johnson @scottjohnsonIII
834 Followers 4K Following
@Austin-bruno420 @AronTjay1988
10 Followers 685 Following A verified ammo vendor hmu for any strap yo need 💯 been selling guns for 9years scared money ain't no money Don't hmu if yo capping ❌ Got all ammo on deck📲
Drew Connery @DrewC____
23 Followers 40 Following
Dan Riffle @DanRiffle
55K Followers 2K Following Past: Prosecutor, @marijuanapolicy, @JohnConyers, @KeithEllison, @AOC. Current: @OneHitters utility man, dad (x2).
a @cortoposse
23 Followers 126 Following
Pro Wrestling Object .. @TeeLBaybay
129 Followers 925 Following Shitposting about pro wrestling, video games and tabletop games. Too old to be this online. bi, he/him
Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman
200K Followers 4K Following Year round iced coffee drinker. Stand-up special "People Pleaser" out now. Previously: Last Week Tonight, Mrs. Maisel, Head Writer/EP Desus & Mero.
broti gupta @BrotiGupta
91K Followers 1K Following Simpsons writer Indian women’s humor twitter account https://t.co/5I6PCj7FlM
Carey O'Donnell @ecareyo
68K Followers 3K Following Writer. Co-host of @sexyuniquepod. You didn’t go up there to fish.
Cullen Crawford @HelloCullen
45K Followers 2K Following husband to nine father to a beautiful Christian marine son to a wife father (all that matters) marine to a beautiful son comedy writer but TO WHAT END?!
Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
91K Followers 3K Following Writer for hire, formerly of @insidejob, @FallonTonight, and one time for an aftershow about sharks
Mike Hanford @MikeHanford
33K Followers 176 Following
Ken Tremendous @KenTremendous
227K Followers 665 Following I'm here: https://t.co/0pPS0cAOOZ. This account will be dormant for a while due to Elon and Trump and the Nazis. Hope to see you all again someday.
Scott Aukerman @ScottAukerman
266K Followers 181 Following Host of @ComedyBangBang. co-host of R U Talkin’ R.E.M. RE: ME & @threedomusa. Co-creator/Director of Between Two Ferns. Co-founded @earwolf.
Sean O’Connor @seanoconnz
45K Followers 3K Following Comedian. Writer. Mets fan. SOLAR OPPOSITES (Hulu), CLOSE ENOUGH, Norm MacDonald Live and other shows.
DC Pierson @DCpierson
57K Followers 6K Following Wrote the novels THE BOY WHO COULDN'T SLEEP AND NEVER HAD TO and CRAP KINGDOM. Was in DERRICK. https://t.co/RSs3cRMrDr [email protected] he/him
Mike Scollins @mikescollins
34K Followers 1K Following From Marshfield MA. Writer for Late Night with Seth Meyers. Love horror movies. Usually have to pee. He/Him
Christine Nangle @nanglish
54K Followers 1K Following I have a dog who is my baby and I have a baby who is my child.
John Levenstein @johnlevenstein
32K Followers 949 Following Arrested Development, Baskets, Kroll Show, Portlandia, Silicon Valley, and Frankenstein’s Monster’s Monster, Frankenstein
Julie Klausner @julieklausner
123K Followers 3K Following I created #DifficultPeople & co-host @DoubleThreatPod. Other things too. She/her. Jewish. I hate it here.
Chris Williamson @CWilliamson44
18K Followers 4K Following Emmy-nominated Sportscaster. CBS Sports HQ Freelance Host. TYT Contributor. Email(Don’t DM): [email protected] RT don’t equal endorsements
Chris Stephens @ChrisStephensMD
6K Followers 1K Following I'm a TV writer and I’m also in a sketch group called Butt. @buttguys https://t.co/n3jMr7q2R3
Kirk Goldsberry @kirkgoldsberry
145K Followers 1K Following NYT Best-selling author of Sprawlball, Professor at University of Texas. Formerly VP at Spurs, IG: @kirkgoldsberry
When did The Protagon.. @An_Hour_Ago
2K Followers 2K Following Posting every day until John David Washington gets his hot sauce
Jonah Weiner @jonahweiner
15K Followers 872 Following New York Times Magazine contributing writer. Also Rolling Stone, The New Yorker, New York, WSJ, and WIRED
Mike Mekus @mmekus18
1K Followers 870 Following New York. Actor. Writer. Lover of Thai food, sports, film, & hip-hop. Check out my blog! Letterboxd: mmekus18
Nicole Goodkind @NicoleGoodkind
5K Followers 1K Following Senior reporter @CNN focused on markets and the economy. I write a daily newsletter, subscribe here: https://t.co/gyRlYV1Iim
Jeremy Kane @chessmensch
3K Followers 603 Following Father of two boys. Curriculum Director for https://t.co/KHpt3M52xf. Author of Starting Out: The Trompowsky on Chessable.
Chase Bernstein @Chase__Chase
6K Followers 784 Following yes... i've been published in Chicken Soup For The Soul 4 times i really can't get into it https://t.co/bhVTKxV36E
Natalie Esquire 🇯�.. @natfluential
10K Followers 2K Following Lawyer turned sports personality • @NBCSports • @HolleyandSmith • 1/2 of @GoldenSpacesPod • @Hoopstresses • #SpacesHost • 1913 ♥️🤍 • 📧: [email protected]
Zena Keita @itszenakeita
6K Followers 2K Following 🎤 Warriors - NBC Sports Bay Area🎙️ Women’s Hoops - The Athletic.💰Sports Partnerships. All things Sports and Storytelling. Inquiries: [email protected]
Carol Lombardini @ItsMeCarolAMPTP
7K Followers 392 Following cat mom. recovering buffy addict. lead negotiator for the AMPTP. parody of a person. contact: [email protected]
Chef Reactions @ChefReactions
329K Followers 582 Following Extra Salty | Side of Sarcasm *BS allergy* that annoying, monotone chef from TikTok
the ben keeps the flo.. @limitlessjest
33K Followers 1K Following Television writer (Hunting Wives STARZ), Native American Media Alliance Fellow, CRIMEWATCHERS podcast, New Yorker Humor. Turtle Mtn. Band of Chippewa, Tsimshian
honey barbara @thiccmatisse
2K Followers 2K Following spongeworthy • she/her • virgo • australian/atlanta based
Brian Jordan Alvarez @brianjoralvarez
109K Followers 1K Following actor: Will & Grace, M3GAN, English Teacher (upcoming)
Devan Costa @DevanCosta
17K Followers 457 Following Firm believer that reality died with Kobe… Podcasts: Hate Watch with Devan Costa and @lemonpartyshow https://t.co/6FVGzVKxKA
Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi @roywoodjr
437K Followers 6K Following I tell the truth like white draws. FORMER: @TheDailyShow CURRENT: Social Recluse. FAMU grad reppin 205. Took me 5 yrs to get a 4yr degree, don't take me serious
Nicole Simone @nicolesimone
34K Followers 498 Following Dream Pop Surf Rock Artist. Invariable #Redhead. Turned a man into a newt once. I link stuff in my bio. https://t.co/WxmIlMgFzC
latke @latkedelrey
56K Followers 6K Following pop star, evil little wood elf, top .01% of succubi in the universe 🇵🇸✨ ig: gigigrey_ contact:[email protected]
killers of the flower.. @baileymoon96
12K Followers 588 Following they hated jesus because she told the truth
Writers Guild of Amer.. @WGAWest
98K Followers 2K Following A labor union representing writers of motion pictures, television, radio, and internet programming. (PS: we only have the blue check for the character count)
community notes viola.. @cnviolations
862K Followers 6 Following not affiliated with @x or @communitynotes | DM Submissions
Dalton Johnson @DaltonJ_Johnson
11K Followers 1K Following Covering the Warriors & more for NBC Sports Bay Area 👨💻📺🎤 | Dubs Talk / Dubs Talk Live | IG: DaltonJohnsonNBCS | PBWA member | [email protected]
Stephanie Zacharek @szacharek
24K Followers 3K Following Film Critic at TIME. I never travel far without a little Big Star.
Hugh Howey @hughhowey
35K Followers 2K Following New York Times bestselling author of WOOL and other fine works. SILO now a hit show on AppleTVPlus! BEACON 23 coming to AMC. https://t.co/VQO8HjT0VV
Hoops Hub Nation @HoopsHubNation
6K Followers 68 Following Fooled NBA mainstream media into thinking I was an Insider leaking news. Now, an NBA focused page!
Kathryn Watson @kathrynw5
82K Followers 4K Following Reporter @CBSNews digital covering the Biden White House and Trump 2024. “Unrepentant candy corn apologist.” Cheez-Its stan account. [email protected]
Jason Doyle @tjasondoyle
15K Followers 1K Following I like to produce things. Like podcasts, TV shows and children.
max seddon @maxseddon
380K Followers 4K Following moscow bureau chief @FT. in soviet russia, news reports you: [email protected]
Kat Abu @abughazalehkat
211K Followers 1K Following I watch Fox News so you don’t have to. | @mmfa | 🇵🇸 | views are my own
David Roth @david_j_roth
137K Followers 5K Following https://t.co/z4uMny3wRQ. Also https://t.co/R9hld5jysP. Header art by Vicki Nerino.
Rhia. @Rhiaxo
424 Followers 207 Following Lungs, (stronger) muscles + phlegm. (BA Hons, MSc, HCPC, MCSP, MCFC, Slytherin) #respisbest
Lucy Huber @clhubes
80K Followers 2K Following editor @mcsweeneys Mother of: 👦🏼👶🏼🐈⬛🐈🐠🐌 Writer? Hungry. Tired.
Ginger Gonzaga ✨ @gingerthejester
29K Followers 1K Following Actor, (She Hulk! True Lies) comedian, writer, director, mental health advocate, empath, 👽 w/ hungry brain. IG: gingerthejester My 2017 short film 🎥 👇🏼
Kylie Brakeman @deadeyebrakeman
194K Followers 1K Following Comedian actor tv writer (Tonight Show, Kids Tonight Show) reps: WME, brillstein
gaz @gazpachomachine
98K Followers 1K Following Sometimes I review food in the shower | All Reviews: https://t.co/sbof3C7kmr | [email protected] | Text or call me 404-548-8034
zach silberberg @zachsilberberg
53K Followers 4K Following tv in new york. no views my own. my birthday is this year
Tim MacMahon @espn_macmahon
207K Followers 2K Following NBA for @espn. Banned MacMahon on The Hoop Collective. Got my own (ironically banned) theme song. IG: also espn_macmahon
cunt @2femcel2furious
42K Followers 1K Following the flickering light that smolders within may seem faint to u but it is soo very bright 2 meMY GRANDCHILDREN 80 YEARS FROM NOW: He is my hero. While others stayed silent, he paid $100 a year for a blue checkmark account called JewHateSucks where he defended genocide and posted cell phone videos of antisemitic unhoused guys. We can’t let his story of triumph disappear.
pretty crazy how customer service departments have been receiving an unusually high volume of calls for the last 4 years
Do watercolors of our wives
question for men: what are your favourite things to do with other men?
“How bad was the Lakers game last night?”
@NoahGarfinkel I’d have been happy if my grandmother had not been hit in the eye by the corner of a flying mortar board.
aye no lie this like watching the Warriors lmaoo Lakers get no stops, take terrible shots, awful execution, and disgusting vibes. cept im happy af watching 😭😭😭
NEWS: My friends and I now own and run The Onion. I’ll be the CEO. We’re keeping the entire staff, bringing back The Onion News Network, and share the wealth with staff. Basically, we’re going to let them do whatever they want. Get excited. nytimes.com/2024/04/25/bus…
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Thankfully, Weinstein raped women in other states too!
I know I'm getting old because I can't figure out how to put my pussy in bio.
this is 9/11 for men who wear black dress shirts
US retail clothing giant Express has filed for bankruptcy
It saddens me to see NBA playoff commercials lean so heavily on “not a thing,” an overused comedy phrase popularized by improvisers who didn’t know what to say.
I am being persecuted right now :( Thankfully, whenever I say that, thousands of policemen in riot gear usually roll in pretty much immediately to crush my persecutors 🙏 The power of the state is always helping my persecuted ass 🤪
I take no pride in being a flake artist but this cracked me up.
“Are we still going?” – An attempt to cancel
walking the streets of Manhattan, enjoying the beautiful architecture
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