Brandi @BFF
I'm bear. Mother of 1 crazy daughter Interrupting enthusiast. Proud owner of underwear with holes in them. The Crick (San Fran Bay Area) Joined October 2009-
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Fox News has done to our parents what they thought gangsta rap would do to us
THE RAISINS. ARE STAYING. IN. THE POTATO SALAD.
My ultimate fantasy is telling a stranger, “you need to wear a mask” and as they go off about fake news and hoaxes, I say “oh no, I’m sorry, it’s because you’re ugly.”
Probably someone else already posted this, it's on the web, but after all the shitty, unpleasant, and frightening news lately, this warmed me up. Go ahead, call me a softy. I don't care.
youtu.be/KFiPfuZmsQU This is so me. I have had this exact experience. Several times.
youtu.be/frAEmhqdLFs I know this is morbid but gallows humor is sometimes appropriate.
x.com/designmom/stat… Why men are irresponsible ejaculators.
Me too. Except I'm not an amazingly beautiful comedian. Oh well maybe next year.
stop sending me this
Idea for a maternity shirt: Irresponsible ejaculation written over the baby bump
Getting bombarbed with emails from producers and directors inquiring about the film rights of this story. I'm so glad the 'boys' from The Real Lord of the Flies are finally, after 50 years, getting the attention they deserve. theguardian.com/books/2020/may…
Many students at the school consider him their favorite teacher, according to a petition to bring him back. advocate.com/religion/2020/…
(your area code) Pop-corn
My dad was all of the above plus Stoner dad Camping dad Arson dad
My dad was all of the above plus Stoner dad Camping dad Arson dad
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57 Followers 68 Following
社工库/找人/盗�.. @GermaineSw29812
0 Followers 5 Following 全网最靠谱查档/人肉搜索/黑客/开房记录/个人信息/户籍/手机定位 通知群→→https://t.co/jQzdMEOURJ(第一次进不去就退到主页点第二次) 客服：https://t.co/TP0TAhVADD 私聊限制客服：https://t.co/yqHdLxQNzB
Linda Coniglio @coniglio8211
39 Followers 51 Following
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12 Followers 14 Following
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121 Followers 142 Following
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43 Followers 52 Following
Igazio Rubini.NYAN @IgazioR
56 Followers 149 Following
Wendy Wilson @WWilson86101
71 Followers 77 Following
电报推特账号| c.. @DaisyCruz66355
196 Followers 90 Following 官方自主下单网址：https://t.co/WnmNdYZw8U ,tg客服：https://t.co/47uFGaa20i
The Widow Von’Du @TheWidowVonDu
84K Followers 648 Following Rupaul's Drag Race Season 12 Yes! Bitch She Might Be! *THE* album is OUT!!!
Dr Jordan B Peterson @jordanbpeterson
5.2M Followers 2K Following Best-Selling Author | Clinical Psychologist | #1 Education Podcast | Listen to the podcast here:
Crystal Elizabeth Met.. @CrystalMethyd
243K Followers 654 Following @RUPAULSDRAGRACE S12 [email protected]
Jaida Essence Yee-Hal.. @jaidaehall
293K Followers 3K Following Formerly Judith, currently confused! Drag Race 👑 Season 12 and AllStars 7 #lookoverthere
Heidi N Closet @HeidiNCloset
261K Followers 620 Following 🏁RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 12🏁 👑S12 Miss Congeniality👑 @RupaulsDragRace @WorldOfWonder @VH1 #TeamGap #ClosetCases [email protected]
George Conway @gtconway3d
2.3M Followers 2K Following Contributor, @TheAtlantic. Board President, @chkbal. gtconway3 on https://t.co/0XKwJFGwNu.
AmericanHorrorStory @AHSFX
1.6M Followers 84 Following An anthology horror drama series created and produced by Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk. AHS: Delicate all-new Wednesdays 10PM. Stream on @Hulu.
marc maron @marcmaron
880K Followers 507 Following I am a comic, actor, feral cat wrangler, writer & host of WTF the podcast.
Maria Bamford @mariabamfoo
215K Followers 773 Following Stand-Up Comedy Since the 1900s 📚 Pre-Order Scott's & My Graphic Novel 📚 Tour Dates on website! Want to come to a show but No $? Ariamaamfordba@gmail
Tig Notaro @TigNotaro
195K Followers 6K Following Official Twitter for Tig Notaro. **TWEETS NOT BY TIG** but by Tig's friends, friends of friends, & charities we love. Tour dates on https://t.co/S3AGRPJkuZ
river buddy butcher �.. @rivbutcher
106K Followers 2K Following comedy central half hour "a different kind of dude" streaming 1.27 https://t.co/47zAFADQ9V
rob delaney @robdelaney
1.5M Followers 2 Following You can get my new book, A Heart That Works, at the link below.
Mr. Bob Odenkirk @mrbobodenkirk
1.2M Followers 84 Following Mr. Show, Better Call Saul, Nobody, then there's this, my favoritest thing: ZILOT, a book of silly poems I writ with my kids. OCTOBER 10 in stores for all!!
Joel Kim Booster @ihatejoelkim
149K Followers 1K Following editor in chief @nytimes. my wife is missing.
Robin Thede @robinthede
165K Followers 62 Following Six-time Emmy nominee. Actor/Comedian/Writer. Creator @blackladysketch on @hbo. @fbowinc is my company. THEE-DEE.
Lauren Ashley Smith @msLAS
11K Followers 832 Following Jonathan and Rochelle's daughter. Emmy nominated TV writer & producer. 1/3rd of #SmithSistersLive on @radioandysxm | she/her/hers
Duncan Trussell @duncantrussell
449K Followers 1K Following I’m the host of the DTFH and co-creator of the midnight gospel now streaming on Netflix
Adam Schiff @RepAdamSchiff
3.4M Followers 876 Following Representing California's 30th Congressional District. Father. Husband. Fighting for our democracy and an economy that works for everyone.
Jim & Sam @jimandsamshow
55K Followers 228 Following @jimnorton & @notsam - Weekdays @ 8a ET on @SiriusXM 103 or anytime with the SiriusXM app - #JimAndSam
Jeff Ross @realjeffreyross
837K Followers 2K Following “Bumping Mics” “Historical Roasts” “Jeff Ross Roasts Criminals” Alopecia advocacy: https://t.co/LpQck3RhiO
Whitney Cummings @WhitneyCummings
1.4M Followers 1K Following WHITNEY CUMMINGS: JOKES is now streaming on Netflix. New BIG BABY tour dates on sale at https://t.co/KneKHPWO3z. Good For You podcast.
Norm Macdonald @normmacdonald
1.1M Followers 755 Following This is my official twitter i like bananas. theyre yellow.
Jim Norton @JimNorton
520K Followers 200 Following https://t.co/fUoMTdVkrZ or for TICKETS click https://t.co/yKiqjonV2d
Amber Tamblyn @ambertamblyn
139K Followers 172 Following Author of 7 books. Dark Sparkler. Any Man. Listening in the Dark. Join the Listening in the Dark Substack community at https://t.co/zNwX5tHhDY
Jemaine Clement @AJemaineClement
539K Followers 2K Following Creator What We Do In The Shadows FX Co-creator Wellington Paranormal TVNZ SBS, Sky TV, The CW, HBO Max Co-creator and dad-guitar Flight of the Conchords.
Mike Birbiglia @birbigs
630K Followers 2K Following My new standup special, The Old Man & The Pool, is available on Netflix. Currently on tour in a city near you.
Kate Berlant @kateberlant
81K Followers 901 Following KATE Cinnamon in the Wind/ Hulu Would It Kill You to Laugh?/ Peacock
emaland @emaland
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Chelsea Peretti @chelseaperetti
1.4M Followers 2K Following One of the Greats. Brooklyn Nine Nine. Music on all streaming. Suki in Sing 2. She/her/model https://t.co/HYHFFeNb87
Natasha Leggero @natashaleggero
354K Followers 946 Following The Honeymoon Stand up Special on Netflix. Book: The World Deserves MY Children out now! The Endless Honeymoon Podcast on YouTube
Moshe Kasher @moshekasher
175K Followers 797 Following Comedian. Cuckservative Libtard. Netflix Special: ”The Honeymoon Special” streaming now. BOOK “Kasher In the Rye” on Amazon. POD: Endless Honeymoon.
Joe Hill @joe_hill
326K Followers 60 Following Author of THE BLACK PHONE (STORIES), NOS4A2, and HORNS. Co-Creator of LOCKE & KEY. Really me, and here on Twitter since 2009, blue check or not.
Stephen Fry @stephenfry
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Ada Powers //☁️ @.. @unknownmetric
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kurt braunohler @kurtbraunohler
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RainnWilson @rainnwilson
4.3M Followers 674 Following Just another luminous spiritual being having a beautiful and difficult human experience.
Chelsea Handler @chelseahandler
7.5M Followers 632 Following #LittleBigBitchTour on sale now | Listen to Dear Chelsea Season 4 | Revolution is streaming now on @netflix
Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan
3.0M Followers 3K Following Male Model. BARELY ALIVE TOUR all new material. My first wife is @jeanniegaffigan. https://t.co/39GfjGbHaW
No matter who the VP pick turns out to be, prepare yourselves for the unconscious bias from the right AND the left that will interpret her far more harshly than a man would ever be judged.
anyone else ok for days at a time and then seized by a red surge of raw despair and terror
good company. 🙏🏼♥️🙏🏼
seems like everyone's covering Nirvana lately. here are some of our past favorites, from @st_vincent, @PolySpree, @toriamos, @torcheband, @amandapalmer & more brooklynvegan.com/15-great-cover…
Death toll tops 50,000. Unemployment tops 20%. President suggests mainlining lysol.
We have got to legalize marijuana, expunge past marijuana convictions and end the failed War on Drugs.
Let’s never forget that the real hero is the guy who ran for president as a stunt to get a better deal for his reality show, accidentally won, and then ignored science until it literally killed people.
Sometimes the only thing to do is to pick up the remains of your beloved dog, put him in the passenger seat, ride across county lines, meet up with your best friend, and have a few beers in honor or said dog while maintaining proper social distancing . E… instagr.am/p/B_JhdBoD2XC/
Why isn't Rush Limbaugh outside with a bullhorn? How come @seanhannity isn't leading 'Fire Fauci' cheers from a crowd of patriots? Why aren't the GOP Senators and Congressman, calling for an end to the quarantine, out on the front lines, visiting open beaches? Yeah you know why.
hey hey hey! i’m not okay! ho ho hittle! not even a little! hey hey hey! whaddaya say? WHO ELSE OUT THERE IS NOT OKAY!? 🎉💃🎉
I’ve posted it before, but this is the only photo I have from when I was 20. With a 19 year old @jondaly in Baltimore. instagram.com/p/B_FzTMijxKV/…
Just to reset for a second- there's a global pandemic, our economy is in free fall, and the guy in charge bankrupted three casino and wants to fuck his daughter.
Last month was the first March without a school shooting in the United States since 2002. It took all schools to be closed and everyone forced to be inside because of a pandemic, but we finally did it.
oh my sweet lord
Hello! I'm Bec. I'm a comedian, writer, presenter and (sometimes) actor. I like silliness, wordplay and making flipcharts. Here is a thread of stuff I get up to. Please RT or follow if you like it! Xxx I mishear Non Je Ne Regrette Rien...
Biden, Bernie, Warren, Schumer, Pelosi and every other elected Democrat should go on TV tomorrow and let people know that the checks they need to put food on their table are being delayed for one reason: Donald Trump’s ego.
The 2020 campaign in a nutshell: Donald Trump delays needed economic relief for American families so he can print his name on the check. Trump first, America last
where can I get one
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If you’re asking why is the COVID-19 rate so low in germany and high in your country. Is because their president used to be a quantum chemist and your president used to be a reality television host.
Nadia, a 4-year-old Malayan tiger at the Bronx Zoo in New York tested positive for coronavirus. This is the first known instance of a tiger being infected, the USDA says. cnn.it/34eloIC
I just went outside in a mask and three people who were one foot apart from one another walked past and one yelled "Don't be so paranoid!" and I yelled "Don't be a fucking idiot!" Human contact like that is so important right now.
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