Hanging with the raisin girls @TheHappySlut1
it leads you here despite your destination twitter.com/search?q=from:… Joined November 2019-
Tweets7K
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Followers30K
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Following4K
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Likes37K
Whenever I drive in the rain I think of a video they showed in Driver’s Ed of a guy hydroplaning off the road. That was effective teaching. I have real fear, slowly navigating puddles hands at 10 and 2 judging other drivers “you’re going to hydroplane!” as they safely pass me
Hoarding “bless this mess” signs until someone has to show up with a dumpster and scoop piles of signs with a shovel.
When that humidity hits and your sleek ponytail turns to this. I’m calling it “misted straw” It’s a seasonal look. Spring soccer chic.
You can't blame video games for what kids do. In the 80s I never had the urge to roll barrels at Italian plumbers.
I enjoy The 1975’s “Love It If We Made It” and I like having SiriusXM in my car, but it creates that unwanted moment when your kids are with you and turning on the ignition is met with “FUCKIN IN A CAR SHOOTING HEROIN!” Like whoaaa, just gonna turn this down real quick
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I’m old enough to remember getting a dental cleaning without filling out a 30 page electronic medical history form. I am certain this is needless bullshit. You don’t need to know that my kid had a mild concussion 2 years ago to clean his teeth.
Adulthood is finding genuine excitement in the opportunity to sleep in until 7:30am and take your kids to dentist appointments instead of going straight to work.
I hope this email finds you- Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
“Life isn’t as serious as the mind makes it out to be.”
Does self-care include chokeslamming a few people?
“It’ll cost you a pretty penny” Takes out penny. Shines penny with cloth. Paints lips on penny with pink nail polish. Whispers “well aren’t you pretty.” Becomes a serial killer.
I was going to make an En Vogue joke, but you’re never gonna get it.
(Me trying to make friends) Other person: “So what are some of your interests?” Me: “The gut microbiome. I mean travel. I’m interested in travel” Other person: “Cool, I love traveling? Do you travel often?” Me: “No, never”
If I were on Little House on the Prairie, I would invent the internet.
Some people like what you do, some people hate what you do, but most people simply don’t give a damn
Emily ™ @emily_tweets
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124K Followers 6K Following a kind person who occasionally likes pineapple on her pizzaPrincess Consuela Ban.. @iluvtacos0822
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47K Followers 438 Following half of me is made of sunsets and the other half night sky*living with a ghost* Today, 329 didn’t like that I was watching The Golden Girls, so she threw an ashtray against the wall.
we are all tired and want to be left alone I need a hug
Hello, I’m 47 and I used “your” instead of “you’re” in a tweet six months ago and I’m still thinking about it.
Do yourself a favor and google “suspicious horses”
my son just called a vegetable peeler a carrot sharpener so that’s what it is now
Calling all men ✨babygirl✨ moving forward. I will be taking no questions at this time ✲゚Ƭʜᵃℕҡ ყօϋ
I love women because they are either thinking about skincare or death
@TheHappySlut1 No Driver’s Ed for me. I attended my grandmother informal racing school on the county roads of Indiana, hydroplaning through puddles. I think I might have passed you because there were a lot of slow drivers in Fishers today but my granny would not have been one of them!
@TheHappySlut1 I’ve hydroplaned a couple of times. Indeed it can be a wake up call to slow down. It’s never resulted in an accident but you’re smart to keep your speed down.
@TheHappySlut1 That's so true! Hey, hands at 10 and 2 are outdated, as we have cars now with airbags in the steering wheel. You're safer with 9 and 3. Just in case they do need to deploy you'll need your wrists.
@TheHappySlut1 You are the Mom that does the right things which rarely are seen by the rest of the family. That is love that hovers above for those you love.
@TheHappySlut1 @IamJackBoot Drove for an 2 hours today in pouring rain on an interstate. Hate it. 10 & 2 glued to the wheel. My hands are actually sore from gripping the wheel.