Matt Somerstein @MPSomerstein
A loser in nyc. Follow me on Twitter. instagram.com/mattsomerstein Joined August 2013-
Tweets10K
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Followers8K
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Following4K
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Likes17K
Me: I am terrified of eagles. Therapist: Okay, take it easy. Me: *screams*
My friend is a great drunk driver, it’s gonna suck when he dies.
Death, taxes, and Jalen Brunson’s step back jumper
Bruh how did Divencenzo not get a single mention for most improved player
The Met Gala is comic con for trust fund babies.
Imagine if I, a man, wrote a song about how I’m unstoppable today and repeated it for a whole chorus.
Lol Hartenstein literally just changed the outcome of this game.
Weird to get ghosted by a girl that works in social media. She’d text me back days later like “sorry was working, I didn’t see my phone”…
It’s weird how Scott’s hired the famously Scandinavian guy who played Tormund on Game of Thrones to be the Scottish lawn care spokesman in their commercials. Is cultural appropriation fine if it’s white on white?
The rollerball style sloppiness of this Knicks Sixers game
No cops on the subway platforms this morning. Guess they were called in as backup to pepper spray gen z.
gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi
64K Followers 7K Following “you miss 100% of the shots you take” -my high school basketball coachMatthew Levy @MattLevy51
14K Followers 14K Following Stand up comic. Sketch maker. Newsletter writer. Married to @annaphilomena. Crouton appreciator. Writes profiles. Check Medium link below and DM if interested.Dan Wickes @dan_wickes
12K Followers 3K Following NYC standup. Winner of the 2021 Coney Island Comedy Festival. See me at House Party Cafe every Saturday at 9 (tix in linktree). he/himSolidarity with Colum.. @OrangeFreddyG
9K Followers 4K Following Never gonna have a blue check, always gonna be real. Standup Comic and Leftist. 45 million views on Social Media. History Pod⬇️Dan Carney @DanManCarney
16K Followers 4K Following comedian, actor, click the link if you want to see me live (live, not live)Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy
12K Followers 9K Following This is hard because I want to be myself, but I also want you to like me. instagram @tedbartoncomedy for stand up clipsArielle Dundas @ArielleDundas
14K Followers 4K Following My niche is that I’m funny and I have interesting opinions. She/her. Stardew valley streamer. ADHD. typos are part of my brand.charles entertainment.. @jmurffff
19K Followers 1K FollowingSlaughter house guy @DanielJPerafan
6K Followers 3K Following | Actor | V.A. | Comedian | Featured: NYTimes | Seeso | NBC | ComedyClubs: NYCC | SUNY | GWCC | BWCC | QED | C&C | Gotham | GrislyPearIsabel Steckel @IsabelSteckel
14K Followers 720 Following comedian lol [email protected], [email protected]glennis ❤️🔥 @theglennisshow
11K Followers 1K Following @theglennisshow wherever there are glennis shows | extremely relatable & pretty traumatized comedianKevin Burke @Ke7inBurke
5K Followers 1K Following hey! | headline contributor @theonion @reductress @bwaybeatnews | he/himlimp brittzkit @Brittymigs
19K Followers 2K Following she/her. just a little snail girl trying to get by. @meatcats @reductress @cracked mgmt: [email protected]Max Gross ☻ @maxgotjokes
18K Followers 2K Following Headlines @Reductress, features @TheOnion. Words @Slate @Autostraddle and more. The nation’s foremost scholar on “And Just Like That.” He/himIris✨ @Jest_Iris
18K Followers 2K Following out of pocket bc my pants don't have any NYC Comedian Writer Gamer Jewish af IG: jest.iris | words in @Reductress & @HardDriveMag featured in @adweekBegumya Ambrose @BegumyaAmbrose
411 Followers 3K FollowingEdwin @Edwin28690597
702 Followers 3K Followingkayla bill @kayla_bill11
229 Followers 879 Following Country Girl, Conservative, #MAGA, The biggest #PATRIOT you will ever meet. 1A - 2A; #IFBAP #TRUMP2024 🇺🇸🇺🇸Mavis Wanczyk @wanczyk8866
158 Followers 3K Following I won a lottery of huge amount so I’m willing to give out $10,000 to my first 150 followers due the covid 19 Pandemic just dm MAVIS I FOLLOWEDAli Kheirandish @AliKheirandish4
179 Followers 4K FollowingAutomatic Appointment.. @AutomaticAppts
76 Followers 552 Following You're not completing enough sales appointments. We work alongside you to FILL your calendar... So you can FINALLY max out your income potentialomini @omini889168
44 Followers 85 FollowingShadowFox @Madge69224
86 Followers 1K Following No matter how hard it is, you have to be brave to go forward.Briana @Marian492218963
52 Followers 1K Following I am a lively and cheerful girl who would like to meet a good friend.꧁☘️𝓥𝓲𝓸.. @ViolentVixen29
1K Followers 3K Following ☘️Political Activist Against Liberals☘️Rebel w/a Cause☘️My business isn’t your business!!! ☘️ Unapologetically Politically Incorrect☘️Jp organixx @EnowBrian2
238 Followers 2K Following Cultivator growing some of the most exotic, working with #Best ,the game changer.🍉💎💎💎🍉 @outerspacepace
151 Followers 1K Following alt for outerspacetaste ❤️💖❤️ #antiracist #decolonize #freepalestine #freecongo #freesudan #transrights #disabilityjusticeJake Velazquez @jakevcomedy
8 Followers 68 FollowingTapha Barrow @BarrowTaph83169
41 Followers 1K Following Hello everyone. My name is mustapha Barrow A from The smiling coast of Africa. (The Gambia 🇬🇲) Sending regards to around the world 🤝👋✌️✌️The Merdragon Series @MerdragonSeries
2K Followers 2K Following The Merdragon and The Merdragon{Secrets}are stories for all ages. Written by Author Frankie Williams in honor of her daughter Shauntae.A unforgettable story❤Hillary Hammonds @HillaryHammonds
15 Followers 112 FollowingLilian Morrison @MorrisonLi76506
92 Followers 2K Following I'm confident bitcoin is niche enough to survive.” ... Life moves pretty fastSkimmer swipe @SwipeSkimmer
21 Followers 114 Following Our propnote (counterfeits) are 98% quality and pass through the Note testing machine without any complications and y’all already know our #Cloned#cardsOpt Out @OptOut41481290
27 Followers 125 FollowingJack Lukkarila @JLukkarilaaa
646 Followers 6K FollowingSpunned Out Creations @spunned_out
39 Followers 305 Following spunned out Creations concerts , program. This is Copyright. We bring in CASH. #SpunnedOutCreation3D STOR Matin @bravo89108
161 Followers 1K Following My hobby is cycling. Because it keeps the health and mind well.kai macauley @atzeropoint
453 Followers 3K FollowingFrancisBaconEgg&Chees.. @sbattagofficial
400 Followers 1K Following Dad. Lawyer. Dem. Tennis. Cinema. Bergamot. Roasted Branzino. Pickleball. Pictures. YanksKnicksGiantsRangers. Edifice Complex. Enclothed Cognition Believer.Ash Diggs @AshDiggs_
1K Followers 903 Following Potent Mess 🏝 Host of @getoutthepod 💀 Comedian who’s been seen on @means_tv and in various barsBUTTERCUP / 🧈 🥤 @Sabrina420
12K Followers 7K Following Bio this, Bio that 🔞Joints and a** 💨Tits and sass 🌿Sweet and sour 😇👿 I can't rhyme...blah , blah..blah. 🍆Stay out my DM's with your pee pees. 💍& MomMike hardez @HardezMike73046
26 Followers 530 Following I'm Mike...... I'm here for business and for relationship with trustCasey Jeni @caseyjeni_
155 Followers 720 FollowingAri Masters @ari4change
814 Followers 2K Following #notourtexas not a bot. at least as far as i knowCaroline E @hoosiercaro
53 Followers 3K Following attorney, @Colts & @Pacers fan, pasta enthusiast, @justicedems & @EmilysList supporter 🫶🏼⚖️ ••• it's always darkest before dawn ☔️🌈📣🏛️🌲🐋Polamalu43 @GeistFreddy
408 Followers 1K Following I like puppies, ice cream, GOOD music and STEELERS FOOTBALL and CELTICS BASKETBALLMeltingspacedreamS @Meltingspacedr1
209 Followers 925 Following ☆SelectSounds 4 Sophisticated Hearing☆ 105.7fm & 101.3fm https://t.co/2k4o6ufTwB ☆every monday 20:00-midnight pst☆Austin Moore @AustinM1123
6 Followers 5 FollowingArmin @Armin347411222
235 Followers 5K Following To be prepared against surprise is to be trained. To be prepared for surprise is to be educated. 🎎🎐 Facts do not fall in the face of discomfort 🌗The BITCH List RESIST.. @TheBitchList1
2K Followers 5K Following FIERCE DEMOCRAT TIRED AND FED UP! AREN'T YOU? A place to come and voice your concern. LET EVERYONE KNOW WHAT PISSES YOU OFF! TUCK FRUMP!🕊️ André Caldei.. @caldeiradaANDRE
67 Followers 745 Following Verdadeiro...e independente!!! (sem representação política,um pouco de Comédia e Arte) https://t.co/4KtH2ROWof 🙈🙉🙊gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi
64K Followers 7K Following “you miss 100% of the shots you take” -my high school basketball coachMatthew Levy @MattLevy51
14K Followers 14K Following Stand up comic. Sketch maker. Newsletter writer. Married to @annaphilomena. Crouton appreciator. Writes profiles. Check Medium link below and DM if interested.Dan Wickes @dan_wickes
12K Followers 3K Following NYC standup. Winner of the 2021 Coney Island Comedy Festival. See me at House Party Cafe every Saturday at 9 (tix in linktree). he/himSolidarity with Colum.. @OrangeFreddyG
9K Followers 4K Following Never gonna have a blue check, always gonna be real. Standup Comic and Leftist. 45 million views on Social Media. History Pod⬇️Dan Carney @DanManCarney
16K Followers 4K Following comedian, actor, click the link if you want to see me live (live, not live)Ted Barton @TedBartonComedy
12K Followers 9K Following This is hard because I want to be myself, but I also want you to like me. instagram @tedbartoncomedy for stand up clipsArielle Dundas @ArielleDundas
14K Followers 4K Following My niche is that I’m funny and I have interesting opinions. She/her. Stardew valley streamer. ADHD. typos are part of my brand.charles entertainment.. @jmurffff
19K Followers 1K FollowingSlaughter house guy @DanielJPerafan
6K Followers 3K Following | Actor | V.A. | Comedian | Featured: NYTimes | Seeso | NBC | ComedyClubs: NYCC | SUNY | GWCC | BWCC | QED | C&C | Gotham | GrislyPearIsabel Steckel @IsabelSteckel
14K Followers 720 Following comedian lol [email protected], [email protected]glennis ❤️🔥 @theglennisshow
11K Followers 1K Following @theglennisshow wherever there are glennis shows | extremely relatable & pretty traumatized comedianKevin Burke @Ke7inBurke
5K Followers 1K Following hey! | headline contributor @theonion @reductress @bwaybeatnews | he/himlimp brittzkit @Brittymigs
19K Followers 2K Following she/her. just a little snail girl trying to get by. @meatcats @reductress @cracked mgmt: [email protected]Max Gross ☻ @maxgotjokes
18K Followers 2K Following Headlines @Reductress, features @TheOnion. Words @Slate @Autostraddle and more. The nation’s foremost scholar on “And Just Like That.” He/himIris✨ @Jest_Iris
18K Followers 2K Following out of pocket bc my pants don't have any NYC Comedian Writer Gamer Jewish af IG: jest.iris | words in @Reductress & @HardDriveMag featured in @adweekJim Bevan @JimBevan85
992 Followers 3K Following Animation/video game/toku lover, bibliophile, alt-rock fan, lab technician, amateur mentalist (He/they - please don't call me "sir")Ash Diggs @AshDiggs_
1K Followers 903 Following Potent Mess 🏝 Host of @getoutthepod 💀 Comedian who’s been seen on @means_tv and in various barsDan’s AI Sports Pic.. @DanGambleAI
275K Followers 50 Following AI Engineer using algorithms to give you an edge over the Sportsbooks👨🏻💻 Betting smarter, not harder 🧠 All posted for free. 21+, Gamble Responsibly.Ziggy_Sobotka @Ziggys_Duck
53K Followers 6K Following "It pays to go with the union card everytime." - ZiggyFaye Oosterhoff 🧠�.. @Divorytaur
853 Followers 1K Following Life is an echo of the universe. Being a Neuro-Ethological Biologist, I try to resonate on the echoes themselves... https://t.co/27q8PmqlwpBenjamin Solak @BenjaminSolak
148K Followers 2K Following NFL Staff Writer @ringer // Ringer NFL Show @spotify // *whispers* quarterback 📧: [email protected]Glue Guy Sports @GlueGuy_Sports
3K Followers 650 Following How can you be romantic about anything other than sports? @friday_beers locker room guy 🤝Joke WRLD @jokewrld_
1K Followers 562 Following Funny Business. “It’s kinda like sports center, but for comedy”Katrina Davis @katrinasivad
3K Followers 2K Following One joke teller’s graveyard of half-thoughts. My first special Figuring It Out is streaming now! https://t.co/P9ecaVgGDhBrian Steele @QuiveringSteele
697 Followers 5K Following Producer/writer: Death at the Wing/Death on the Lot podcasts, @LeverNews @lionsgate @funnyordie @sonymusic @bunnyearsweb @Splitsider @truTV @ifc @WGAWestBrandon Friedman @BFriedmanDC
67K Followers 896 Following Co-Founder, @RakkasanTea • Board Member, @DallasCPOB • Occasional columnist, @NYDailyNews • Former Obama guy • Once a soldierEyes on the Right @EyesOnTheRight
32K Followers 2K Followingbredd @ughBrett
662 Followers 658 Following Self-taught brain surgeon. Corporate lobbyist for Big Pussy. Proud Italianx. Immoral poet. Disgraced parachute factory manager.Brooklyn Comedy Colle.. @ComedyBrooklyn
1K Followers 469 Following A comedy theater trying to save your life ❤️🔥 Live Shows @ Eris 🎓Enroll in classes @ The Dog HouseHeidi Stevens @HeidiStevens13
32K Followers 5K Following —Writer —Director of External Affairs @TMWCenter —Fellowship coach @TheOpEdProject —@FamilyActionNet board member —Chicago stan —The one with the hairlauriel @laurielmarger
479 Followers 400 Following tv writer | nancy drew (cw), prodigal son (fox) | 2022 wga tv writers access project honoree | wme & sugar23Kenan Turnbull @foniker
3K Followers 5K Following Check out my funny twitterstory The Stink, in progress since 2009 at https://t.co/m3jvfWMSma feedback will get me 2 write more.🧟♂️zombiesl.. @JesseW8nmbrs
3K Followers 5K Following Critters, art, movies, Equality for ALL, mostly SFW😅 I swear if you guys rip on me like 13 or 14 more times I'm outta here! Taken😊Hallie Haas @halliekhaas
2K Followers 722 Following comic actress & writer from a stable home ✨ as seen on @searchpartymax ✨ https://t.co/NzQDs53h32Jay Cuda @JayCuda
142K Followers 934 Following I post about #WhiteSox & sports stats • 35 • Golfer ⛳️ Woodworker🪚 MSU '11 Civil engineeringPhilip Bump @pbump
168K Followers 537 Following Washington Post national columnist. How To Read This Chart newsletter. Author of The Aftermath, NYT editor’s pick. If closing replies annoys you, it's working.Matt Miller @MattMillerReal
1K Followers 1K Following Humor | Anti-Culture | NYC https://t.co/JXryFygJQv / @MattMillerRealJulian Breheny @julianbreheny
80 Followers 222 FollowingElliot Hamilton @defelliotham
50 Followers 95 FollowingKurt Ryan @KurtRyancomedy_
82 Followers 124 Following I am a comedian that makes memes about stand up.Jonah Padawer-Curry @JonahPadawer
276 Followers 791 Following Neuroimaging nerd by day, musician by night. WashU Imaging Science PhD @ BauerLab. Psychedelics and resting state.Clayton Smith @clayjaysmith
72 Followers 326 Following Comedian/Actor/Playwright/Man rarely on Twitterbrenna @unethicalquack
376 Followers 624 FollowingBabblinbrooke on bsky @babblinbrooke4
2K Followers 4K Following Emmy award winning comedy writer, extremely believable liar. Some DMs. https://t.co/VayPflKtsiMatt Storrs @MTStorrs
2K Followers 2K Following Humor Person / Storyteller / Rule Bender / Mattsplaining Podcast / Books Read This Year: 17Charlie (Let's Keep I.. @CharlieSosnick
3K Followers 2K Following Best Friend To Many / Mr. DoItAll / Mr. Everything / Determined / Up For The Challenge / Calm / Wise / Intellectual / SpiritualBaseballHistoryNut @nut_history
199K Followers 2K Following Baseball History Nut *I do not claim to own any of these images* 🇨🇦. Slowly building a card collection. Contact: [email protected]Derek Hickey @DHicks37
461 Followers 517 Following “Writer” | “Comedian” | for sale IG: @derek_hickeyLevie Bringmans @LevieBr
69 Followers 40 Following Mathematician and engineer from @ETH🇨🇭and @KU_Leuven 🇧🇪 Risk modeling & analytics specialist @UBS Interested in finance, PDEs and machine learningNebulous Babian @nickbabian
376 Followers 1K Following Every once in a while, I do something cool. #comedy #audio #music #film #televisionLuis Elias Badillo @Agent_Eli
429 Followers 2K Following Writer, Improv Comic, Chicagoan. Many useless talents for hire. Former Features Contributor @TheOnion. Formerly @OnionGamersChris Waitkus (Mr. Ri.. @chriswaitky
186 Followers 203 Following Comic, Previously a Rapper. Frequent Heartburn Haver. Would rather be popular than smart. Super Under qualified for my day job.I.G.Y. azalea @HaitianDvorce
10K Followers 904 Following Top 0.1% OnlyDans. Steely Dad. Glamour Professional. I live where you vacation & eat dinner where you buy gas 🌴🐊🦩 way deep into nothing specialSometimes, you work with primary sources so meaty that naked centaur bums dance around about your computer to Beethoven's Pastoral in proprietary surround sound.
Me: I am terrified of eagles. Therapist: Okay, take it easy. Me: *screams*
Divo! You know you my favorite white boy, right?
I can confirm. Gronk wrote this. We had a long discussion as a writers room, “should we change this to make it make sense.” And then we said “absolutely not. We need to let Gronk be his full Gronkness.”
Rob Gronkowski just gave us the most chaotic set of the night. #TomBradyRoast
The level of hate that Kendrick has in his heart for Drake is only slightly higher than how my dad felt about Vince Offer. I truly believe that if he had lived another year, they would’ve gone bar for bar in the first ever infomercial battle.
as a counterpoint, might i interest you in
Beefs don’t work in any other genre. Can you imagine 21 pilots and imagine dragons writing diss tracks about each other
Kendrick: you are a pedophile Drake: no im not otherwise I’d be in jail lol don’t you know how the law works lol
so sad that some kids won’t have a commencement ceremony this year. how are you supposed to have a good life if john fetterman doesnt tell you to “keep on truckin” before your dad buys you ricotta pancakes with lemon curd at a place called Salt and Bell
Anthony Edwards is doing wonders for my mental health 😭🫶
Is anyone else following this crazy beef in the music world
@MPSomerstein . myne 2 . there are no coincidences my brother . . dont it ? .
[too lazy to kms] hey Boeing i know what you did
Texts my sister @jrothenberg_ SHOULD be sending me: “My sister! To whom I speak every day! I was asked to speak on a panel at The Times Center on behalf of the company I co-founded!” Texts I ACTUALLY get from her: “Are we gonna talk about how Lips of an Angel absolutely SLAPS”
From the people who brought you “there’s no way a bunch of college kids bought a few dozen tents” comes NEARLY HALF A MILLION DOLLARS