John Haskell @DrPemby
I like basketball & cats TV Writer (Tonight Show/Late Night, I Love You America) College Guys: https://t.co/PcAfBWXEcz blazrdog: https://t.co/Oy8yULbnhw youtube.com/user/realbigbo… brooklyn Joined March 2009-
Tweets18K
-
Followers9K
-
Following1K
-
Likes21K
I just found out that Shrek was green the whole time because he was constantly jealous
Every time I want a coffee, it’s like there are no Capital One Cafes nearby #frustrated
Why does John Adams low key look like he’s about to conduct Mr. Holland’s Opus?
yeah I like A24... A24’s catalog of films
I have eva longoraphobia. Cant leave the house without my autographed headshot. Alright, time to go into work. Last day befo me gall blatta surgery m8
When someone tells me they didn’t see Tiger King season 2
“I like to ring a bell and measure dog’s spit.” - Dr. Pavlov blowing it on his first date
After I add boiled egg to my ramen I always turn into a rat
The perfect headline about an earthquake and penis surgery doesn’t exi—
We’re playing a biiiiiig fat set in NYC on 5/10 🗽 eventbrite.com/e/the-sloppy-b…
This guy is ripping me off. A few months ago I explained how to make 1ETH launching mev bot with chat gpt. Now he's saying it? I honestly can't anymore
patient: what’s the matter doc? straight shoot me. doctor: it appears the 3 Cadbury eggs are lodged, creating a block. patient: in my ass? doctor: no, the ones you ate. in your esophagus. why? did you put some up your, um…lower hole? patient: … no? other doctor: *sniffs*
In 1953, two businessmen farted into each other’s asses. The following day, the man on the right (white hair) was able to speak fluent German. This is a rare phenomenon known as the “Kelnor Effect” - named after the man on the left (dark hair): Kelnor Johnston.
Gym + Pam (Office fans will get this one)
jesus: what do people call the day i was crucified me: good friday. we call it "good friday" jesus: what the fuck
my wife: honey, come quickly - something urgent is happening! me: one moment, babe. 2 minutes and 6 seconds, to be exact... *click*
Mike Hanford @MikeHanford
33K Followers 176 Following
Tim Kalpakis @TimKalpakis
34K Followers 1K Following Tv writer from @TheBirthdayBoys Between Two Ferns @ComedyBangBang ILYA w/ Sarah Silverman & Digman & in the band @TheSloppyBoys
Jack Bensinger @JackBensinger
36K Followers 685 Following
The Sloppy Boys 📀 @TheSloppyBoys
8K Followers 2K Following Party rock band & podcast with @mikehanford @timkalpakis @jeffersondutton from @thebirthdayboys Subscribe to our Patreon to hear us take baths
Dan Licata @danlicatasucks
23K Followers 1K Following stand-up comedian, writer (SNL, Joe Pera Talks With You). i am still in high school Chicago 5/12, Milwaukee 5/14, Minneapolis 5/16, Philly 5/19
Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
91K Followers 3K Following Writer for hire, formerly of @insidejob, @FallonTonight, and one time for an aftershow about sharks
SARAH SQUIRM @SarahSquirm
106K Followers 3K Following 🤡 sarah sherman on @nbcsnl 🪱 😛 come see me on tour 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 + 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐇! 🧠
Conner O'Malley @conner_omalley
156K Followers 528 Following
Mike Scollins @mikescollins
34K Followers 1K Following From Marshfield MA. Writer for Late Night with Seth Meyers. Love horror movies. Usually have to pee. He/Him
Joe Pera @JosephPera
98K Followers 1K Following JPTWY Seasons 1-3 now on @adultswim and @hbomax. My new standup special 'SLOW & STEADY' just released : https://t.co/sd2CSFQUJg
Jay's Friend @jays_friend
3K Followers 3K Following My account is crazy haha. I follow a bunch of cool people and they follow me back.
เบญจพร @Ellie9618743718
39 Followers 1K Following ในโลกของฉัน มีกลยุทธ์การออกเดทที่จะทำให้หัวใจคุณเต้นเร็วขึ้น ดังนั้นให้ความสนใจตอนนี้! หน้าแรกอัพเดทข้อมูลการติดต่อ
Got ‘Em @GotEm_Coach
13K Followers 845 Following “World's Best Laker Fan,” host of the @FirstBallotPod and proprietor of the First Ballot Hall of Fame. Travis the Chimp forever.
Joel Cuthbert @joelpcuthbert
147 Followers 245 Following Chasing after wonder in art, music, and film. Expect profanities followed by profundity. host of the Stillness & the Dancing slow radio. a man of letters
HealthAndLove @HealthAndLove10
1 Followers 104 Following 💯#promoting holistic health and love Tips 🏸 #WellnessJourney 💓Top Strategies For Wholesome health 🚴#LoveAndWellness #HolisticLiving 👣 #loseweight
Jazzzzzmine @Jazzzzzmine5
25 Followers 95 Following
annabellaredd 112 @Ashleyfunds
35 Followers 371 Following
Cole Jameson @unoriginal_cole
10 Followers 37 Following
El Muskulon @AlPMichaud
7 Followers 127 Following
TootsNBooters @Bootsntooter
48 Followers 38 Following
Andreas Fobes @andersdssddss
6 Followers 706 Following
SKYLAR @SKYLAR293555872
49 Followers 2K Following
Chiss Monsantfield @thepuffingfreak
87 Followers 260 Following
healthy skin and brai.. @leader_skin
1 Followers 2K Following I work from early in the morning until late in the evening. I make many calls and have many meetings.
*Sunday Godwin @SundayG20374523
14 Followers 69 Following
DeadraMcconchie @DeadraMcco17678
120 Followers 2K Following
Hb @Hb8053216613152
81 Followers 124 Following
Stella @Stella395195996
335 Followers 2K Following
1-day overnight shipp.. @dontfront
484 Followers 4K Following
Jeffnoth @jeffnoth
224 Followers 915 Following writer/teacher/family man - looking for publication outlets on here but I get distracted 🏀 📖 🎶 💀
BootsNTooters @TinyDinkyDaffy9
37 Followers 224 Following
brooksie_79 @brooksie_79
236 Followers 573 Following
Frying Dutchman @TheDirtyBert
3 Followers 16 Following
Mixtape65 @mixtape65
0 Followers 203 Following Indoor cat just trying to get through this nightmare :)
farthead 🐀 @ll_farthead_ll
82 Followers 400 Following
Jeff Topolski @JeffTopolski
5K Followers 2K Following I write (Rockstar Games, Brooklyn Nine-Nine) and have a lot in common with Taylor Swift (born in 1989, pop sensation, currently on groundbreaking world tour)
steve @steve69961329
62 Followers 399 Following
NationalFancyLad @NtnlFancyLad
55 Followers 84 Following
Trevor Alper @trevoralper
302 Followers 869 Following TV writer. Credits include: The Big Bang Theory. Dave (FX/Hulu). Represented by 3Arts.
Eric Weingarden @ejweingarden
32 Followers 293 Following
Mike Hanford @MikeHanford
33K Followers 176 Following
Tim Kalpakis @TimKalpakis
34K Followers 1K Following Tv writer from @TheBirthdayBoys Between Two Ferns @ComedyBangBang ILYA w/ Sarah Silverman & Digman & in the band @TheSloppyBoys
Tim Heidecker™ Offi.. @timheidecker
536K Followers 504 Following The ONLY official Tim Heidecker account (held in receivership by #ViralPhil Braun.) #TimHeidecker new season of On Cinema starts NOW
broti gupta @BrotiGupta
91K Followers 1K Following Simpsons writer Indian women’s humor twitter account https://t.co/5I6PCj7FlM
Scott Aukerman @ScottAukerman
266K Followers 181 Following Host of @ComedyBangBang. co-host of R U Talkin’ R.E.M. RE: ME & @threedomusa. Co-creator/Director of Between Two Ferns. Co-founded @earwolf.
Jack Bensinger @JackBensinger
36K Followers 685 Following
The Sloppy Boys 📀 @TheSloppyBoys
8K Followers 2K Following Party rock band & podcast with @mikehanford @timkalpakis @jeffersondutton from @thebirthdayboys Subscribe to our Patreon to hear us take baths
Dan Licata @danlicatasucks
23K Followers 1K Following stand-up comedian, writer (SNL, Joe Pera Talks With You). i am still in high school Chicago 5/12, Milwaukee 5/14, Minneapolis 5/16, Philly 5/19
Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
91K Followers 3K Following Writer for hire, formerly of @insidejob, @FallonTonight, and one time for an aftershow about sharks
SARAH SQUIRM @SarahSquirm
106K Followers 3K Following 🤡 sarah sherman on @nbcsnl 🪱 😛 come see me on tour 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 + 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐇! 🧠
tonyzaret @tonyzaret
41K Followers 1K Following https://t.co/W2DKLTwJiU https://t.co/K3L1xTEUgx https://t.co/TIvfYC35OR Merch: https://t.co/ZTRa1E4k3i https://t.co/1ys6s7JV0H
Classical Studies Mem.. @CSMFHT
498K Followers 1K Following We post memes from a variety of sources, related to Classics and the ancient world. Stick around and you might learn a thing or two! We ❤️ 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🤜🤛🏿🌍
Joshua Day @JoshuaJDay
164 Followers 273 Following digital roustabout • editor of silly videos @fallontonight
casey @asperjack
348 Followers 993 Following The Sloppy Boys, Fritz, Simpsons, ITYSL, etc, he/him Bluesky: https://t.co/QcoC7vlJrQ
Legion Hoops @LegionHoops
776K Followers 322 Following Hey, I’m @jacobryanortiz. Featured on @ESPN, @ESPNRadio, @CBSSports, @FOXSports, @NBA2K, among others. Follow for the latest NBA news, highlights and rumors.
Emily Clouse @emilyfclouse
1K Followers 1K Following comedy writer & cartoonist with a sense of poise and rationality // Issues 1 & 2 of my comic HAIRCUTS out now // @newyorker, formerly @theonion, @reductress
Kyle Beaudette @KyleBeautweet
14K Followers 734 Following Author/Illustrator of The Garden Witch coming this Fall! https://t.co/W0ty9QMtXv
Andy Lee @AndyLeeTweets
782 Followers 1K Following TV Writer by profession, Buffalo Bills fan by birth, wasting time on here by choice.
Kylie Brakeman @deadeyebrakeman
194K Followers 1K Following Comedian actor tv writer (Tonight Show, Kids Tonight Show) reps: WME, brillstein
AI For Humans Show @AIForHumansShow
2K Followers 363 Following AI For Humans is a podcast about artificial intelligence made by humans for humans. Created, produced & hosted by @attack & @gavinpurcell
blink-182 @blink182
1.6M Followers 186 Following ONE MORE TIME… the new album from blink-182 is out now!
prince daddy & the hy.. @Pdaddynthehyena
22K Followers 578 Following just really high quality songs . hmu MGMT: [email protected] BOOKING: [email protected]
natalie "joke nichols.. @reallancebass
2K Followers 1K Following writer. comedy lady. senior ride operator at america’s only Hell themed amusement park.
Kevin Pereira @Attack
238K Followers 2K Following occasionally televised person + work in progress. co-creator/host: @aiforhumansshow discord: https://t.co/jRK1SPsdNG
Birthday Boys OOC @bdayboysclips
3K Followers 37 Following The Birthday Boys Fan Account | September Santa Supporter | StarWars Fan (the Ben Hammish one) Run by: @bonesswf
Darius Slay @bigplay24slay
279K Followers 2K Following Former MSU CB; NFL CB Eagles /Brunswick, GA..6xPro Bowl/ First Team All Pro/ #TeamSlay23/https://t.co/Qm7MZ3k8Ab
The Lonely Island @thelonelyisland
776K Followers 983 Following Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone. Snapchat: tliboys
David Young @theothergabutch
236 Followers 431 Following For some reason, I got locked out of my other account (@gabutch) so follow me here instead so I can keep trying to go viral while neglecting my kids.
Fantano’s OPINION I.. @theneedledrop
901K Followers 8K Following The Internet's busiest music nerd. https://t.co/GRC873tasd / BOOKING & BIZ: [email protected]
brooks allison @brooksallison_
1K Followers 431 Following musician + tv writer @fallontonight @comedycentral @adultswim @slothrust
Oklahoma Department o.. @OKWildlifeDept
248K Followers 1K Following We manage & protect fish & wildlife, along with their habitats, while also growing a community of hunters & anglers, partnering with those who love the outdoors
cat with confusing au.. @Cat_Auras
2.3M Followers 33 Following Even cat can confuse “us”. | dm for credit or removal
Texas Monthly @TexasMonthly
234K Followers 636 Following Texas news, politics, food, culture, travel, yee-haw, and more since 1973. 🤠
Rick Steves @RickSteves
190K Followers 114 Following Guidebook author, TV & radio host, business owner, Lutheran, and NORML Board Member. Fanatically positive and militantly optimistic.
alex goldman @AGoldmund
108K Followers 3K Following Ex / @replyall. Producer @westernkabuki. working on something new -- if you want to learn more about it please follow the link below!
Dead Horse Trauma @deadhorsetrauma
2K Followers 2K Following Check out https://t.co/AnAYG63fVJ for tour dates, music videos, and more. come see us!
AJ BROWN @1kalwaysopen_
261K Followers 344 Following
Dan Cronin @croninwhocares
25K Followers 3K Following Writer, stand-up, VO. Emmy winning writer for Conan; Emmy's; MTV Movie Awards, NFL Honors, Oscars. Guy who puts pint glasses in the freezer. https://t.co/we0bPvv2ZD
Kim Quindlen @kimquindlen
30K Followers 980 Following Chicago comedian. Occasional mom. Rep: Framework Entertainment [email protected]
John Clark @JClarkNBCS
248K Followers 1K Following @NBCSPhilly @NBCPhiladelphia NBC10 6, 11pm Sports Anchor / Please subscribe to my podcast on link below. LeSean McCoy & DeSean Jackson join me on the podcast
Adam Lowitt @AdamLowitt
5K Followers 1K Following Comedian, Exec. Prod./Writer: Who Is America?, The Daily Show. Senior Jewish Correspondent on TDS. Part-time Stanley Tucci impersonator.
Keelin Ryan @keelinqryan
241 Followers 652 Following
Sam @realonlineboy6
1K Followers 567 Following realonlineboy here. Trying to be prepared in case I get got on main
RaaaatScraps 🐀 (fk.. @RAAAATSCRAPS
9K Followers 718 Following The Best Improv Show in the World. Every Sunday 7:30 PM at @caveatnyc & streamed. w/ performers you’ve seen on your TV and from ASSSSCAT NYC
Zach Cherry @zachcherrygmail
10K Followers 2K Following
Jesse Thorn 🤷�.. @JesseThorn
65K Followers 982 Following @Bullseye @JordanJesseGo #JJHo @MaxFunHQ @PutThisOn. Satin for them draws, velvet for the mic and a pound for the cause. Tips go to @AlOtroLado_org.
Jesse David Fox @JesseDavidFox
14K Followers 1K Following @GoodOnepodcast creator/host. COMEDY BOOK out now! Please buy!
Tom WP @tomwp
2K Followers 758 Following I work on The Morning newsletter at the @nytimes. NJ forever.
WholesomeMemes @WholesomeMeme
3.1M Followers 294 Following 🇨🇦 We post memes, comics, wholesome stuff & anything we like. Get original shirts to raise money for charity https://t.co/Upa2OFOAJk
CRAZY… #Eagles WR DeVonta Smith was an INSANE BASKETBALL PLAYER in high school 🤯🤯🤯 (Via @ClearHurts)
DeVonta Smith is definitely still an Eagles receiver. He is a big Celtics fan so he would not put on a Sixers hat but he is wearing a Phillies hat 😂
I have eva longoraphobia. Cant leave the house without my autographed headshot. Alright, time to go into work. Last day befo me gall blatta surgery m8
Tyrese Maxey finished the season with 40 games of 25 or more points. The first Sixers guard to do that since Allen Iverson 18 years ago nbcsportsphiladelphia.com/nba/philadelph…
CHICAGO!! Come see me do standup at @thelincolnlodge this WEEKEND! Saturday is SOLD OUT but there are tickets left for Sunday. @TommyMcNam is opening for me on the 14th. Get tickets here: thelincolnlodge.com/calendar
“I like to ring a bell and measure dog’s spit.” - Dr. Pavlov blowing it on his first date
This is like the opposite of canceling somebody
Legendary tenor Luciano Pavarotti kept secret stashes of pasta to snack on while performing trib.al/EKgBASs
The first rule of standup is if you’re visibly nervous just say whatever you want
the way my jaw dropped to the floor
Such a great night w/ my friend @jimmyfallon digging up old episodes of our days on “Precinct 62: Lethal Justice.” Never gettin’ too old for this shit… Catch “HIT MAN” in select theaters MAY 24th and on @netflix JUNE 7th
We’re playing a biiiiiig fat set in NYC on 5/10 🗽 eventbrite.com/e/the-sloppy-b…
@DrPemby At first I only saw the guy. I had no idea what you were talking about! And then I noticed he was pointing at something. It made me move my eyes, and then I saw that we was talking about how to make 1ETH launching mev bot with chat gpt! Just like you!!!😠
The REAL April Fools are these clowns in congress!
Logging off for the rest of the day. One thing I cannot stand, is deceit and outright gaslighting. Who else is "done" with #AprilFools ?
Trends for United States
You might like
