m a x w i t t e r t @waxmittert
Single-hyphenate comedian & cartoonist. Diabolical brat. click the thing linktr.ee/maxwittert Twitter.com/waxmittert Joined July 2011-
Tweets21K
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Followers7K
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Following752
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Likes37K
Realizing that a pretty good metric for whether or not I think a movie is bad is if I feel more sympathy or revulsion for the actor than their character
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I just know the British came up with the word “emergency.” What a bad word for that. “Sir there’s been… well, an emergence. Something has emerged. Yes, it’s a uh, small little thing. Really not that big of a deal at all…. I ummm. Could call it an emergence-ie, if you like—“
I love coffee. I would drink it every morning, if I were a total diva.
Sometimes I’ll just ride the train all the way to the end of the line, just to be like, white and weird. Merp.
One of my favorite hobbies is cutting my losses
If at first you don’t succeed, pick yourself up and blame your generational trauma
I just found out it’s totally legal to smack the shit out of someone who says something like, “I have no more fucks to give.”
You guys, life is too short. Better to not even bother.
If something takes trial and error, tbh I’m not interested. Like I just can’t, when it comes to trial and error.
“Biiiiiiitch this SLAPS!!!” -me listening to my dinner sizzling
This has been a very interesting time to be an American Jew, for the simple fact that as a Jewish American, I tend to find myself quite interesting.
New comic. Happy earth day.
If I was a bird, I’d seriously be so weird like literally just pecking random shit all day, everyone staring at me like what the fuck is that bitch doing lol
I’m just like brandy melville: I’m one size, I have a horrible online presence, and I don’t see an obvious future continuing the way I have for the last several years.
If there really is a hell, I think I’ll find something nice about it.
Instead of sporks, they should make a utensil that’s half spoon and half gun
The spiritual connection these two have
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my goal is to live happily ever during.
I’m blue… except for one tweet 😏
you just arrived at the party… what cup are you grabbing?
and you know what? they watch as you're falling, as you're falling ... ............. 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️ DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN open.spotify.com/track/2H9Qubaa…
too sick to go to the trans seder so hiding in the attic of my childhood home so I don't have to attend the zionist seder below
We hate Ocean bc he does what we are afraid to do ourselves—make every conversation about us; declare our own musings "ever prescient now"
They appear to be pixels in some sort of online video
Do you know what these are?
mary cosby
Met this girl who said fäg, retard, and gay within the first 15 seconds of meeting and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her
another chilling story from creepy dot org
Local Mexican restaurant used to be a Chinese restaurant. Instead of painting over a mural, they just put sombreros on the pandas.
Torrey Peters in convo with @majortransceleb at 2:55 screening of stress positions today….major…. tickets.ifccenter.com/websales/pages…
I am going to dm Biden asking for money soon, so I am not really worried about the future personally
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