Andrew Sitter @apsitter
LA via Chicago. Working at being professionally funny. Writer of jokes in the form of Japanese poetry @haikuednews andrewsitter.com Los Angeles Joined June 2011-
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Following230
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@PhilMickelson best thing you could do is win in Detroit, then choose not to defend next year. Also I picked you in my golf pool so...help a guy out? #pgachamp #rocketmortgagechamp
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Cold weather's cool because it helps me identify people I don't like based on their choice of ear protection.
*Potbelly's Guy forgets to make my sandwich* Me: How about a free cookie for the mix-up? PG: Sorry, I can't do that. *pregnant pause* Me: Then one full-priced cookie, please.
4-stars on Yelp is the glass ceiling of delivery Chinese food.
Starbucks rule: the more cords coming out of your laptop, the less I trust you to watch mine while I pee.
Long time Twitterer, first time complainer... @Nordstrom dropped the ball on my wife's first ever Mother's Day gift. Order was canceled TWICE by their system, 3 calls to support, zero compensation offered. The flowers weren't enough, @Nordstrom.
"No, Ringo, I agree. I can't believe it took her so long to Knight you, either. " -Paul
Sam Nunberg was the kid in middle school with mittens clipped to his jacket.
Someone catch me up...Am I mad at @azizansari or nah?
Innocent until proven guilty, unless you LOOK like a guy that would masturbate into a plant then, yeah, probably just guilty.
Selfies wouldn't suck as much if people's arms were longer.
"To prove once and for all there was no collusion with Russia, here are some emails of me colluding with Russia."
The real atrocity in Trump Jr.'s emails is that this Rob Goldstone guy signs his emails, "This iPhone speaks many languages"
Warrior's championship hats were definitely designed by a step-dad.
Can't wait to be a dad so I can finally try GrapeNuts.
.@realDonaldTrump making deals with Shiites & Kurds in the Middle East is not the same as making deals with Shits & Turds on The Apprentice
I could forgive all of Trump's atrocities if he just stopped using arbitrary quotation "marks."
Eavesdropping on 2 people meeting for the first time is my favorite part of Starbucks.
If I can't handle you at your worst, I know a good therapist that might help you become a more well-adjusted person.
Fen__nel @NelFen76289
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Man Of The People TV @MOTPTV
521 Followers 467 Following MAN OF THE PEOPLE, Saturdays at 10PM on @WGNTV. FOR SHOW TICKETS, go to https://t.co/nMA6gjiwzH https://t.co/9dLXXJDU6v
You'll Probably Agree... @ypareviews
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Nordstrom @Nordstrom
643K Followers 45K Following Serving customers since 1901. Tweeting since 2008. Customer service: 1-888-282-6060 #nordstrom For company updates follow @NordstromNow
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Mariann Aalda: Don’... @mariannaalda
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Gettin' Gater Chomped @No1GatorFans
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SHANG-*Comedian! @ComedianSHANG
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𝘁𝗶𝗺 𝗯𝗮... @TimBarnes451
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Brian Brushwood @shwood
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MAT&T @mattchiaramonte
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b4 the bell podcast @b4thebellpod
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j @jsteinbrunner
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Brent Morin @BrentMorin
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After Midnight @midnight
362K Followers 7 Following follow us literally anywhere else. weeknights 12:37/11:37c on CBS and streaming on Paramount+
Eugene Mirman @EugeneMirman
308K Followers 548 Following I'm a comedian & voice Gene on @BobsBurgersFox. Also Delocated, @Fotc, Archer. Tour dates: May 9 & 10 with Derrick Brown at Rockwell in Somerville, MA.
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
2.1M Followers 1.3M Following Music. Comedy. Fitness. Outrageous!.... I explain in the video here→https://t.co/ieA94HDzQu
Sarah Beattie @nachosarah
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Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
82K Followers 3K Following I write for TV and pick up my dog’s shit with a little bag.
rob fee @robfee
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rob delaney @robdelaney
1.3M Followers 2 Following You can get my book, A Heart That Works, at the link below.
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