Andrew Sitter @apsitter
LA via Chicago. Working at being professionally funny. Writer of jokes in the form of Japanese poetry @haikuednews andrewsitter.com Los Angeles Joined June 2011-
Tweets333
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Followers147
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Following230
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Likes32
@PhilMickelson best thing you could do is win in Detroit, then choose not to defend next year. Also I picked you in my golf pool so...help a guy out? #pgachamp #rocketmortgagechamp
Cold weather's cool because it helps me identify people I don't like based on their choice of ear protection.
*Potbelly's Guy forgets to make my sandwich* Me: How about a free cookie for the mix-up? PG: Sorry, I can't do that. *pregnant pause* Me: Then one full-priced cookie, please.
4-stars on Yelp is the glass ceiling of delivery Chinese food.
Starbucks rule: the more cords coming out of your laptop, the less I trust you to watch mine while I pee.
Long time Twitterer, first time complainer... @Nordstrom dropped the ball on my wife's first ever Mother's Day gift. Order was canceled TWICE by their system, 3 calls to support, zero compensation offered. The flowers weren't enough, @Nordstrom.
"No, Ringo, I agree. I can't believe it took her so long to Knight you, either. " -Paul
Sam Nunberg was the kid in middle school with mittens clipped to his jacket.
Someone catch me up...Am I mad at @azizansari or nah?
Innocent until proven guilty, unless you LOOK like a guy that would masturbate into a plant then, yeah, probably just guilty.
Selfies wouldn't suck as much if people's arms were longer.
"To prove once and for all there was no collusion with Russia, here are some emails of me colluding with Russia."
The real atrocity in Trump Jr.'s emails is that this Rob Goldstone guy signs his emails, "This iPhone speaks many languages"
Warrior's championship hats were definitely designed by a step-dad.
Can't wait to be a dad so I can finally try GrapeNuts.
.@realDonaldTrump making deals with Shiites & Kurds in the Middle East is not the same as making deals with Shits & Turds on The Apprentice
I could forgive all of Trump's atrocities if he just stopped using arbitrary quotation "marks."
Eavesdropping on 2 people meeting for the first time is my favorite part of Starbucks.
If I can't handle you at your worst, I know a good therapist that might help you become a more well-adjusted person.
Fen__nel @NelFen76289
69 Followers 5K Following
Man Of The People TV @MOTPTV
521 Followers 467 Following MAN OF THE PEOPLE, Saturdays at 10PM on @WGNTV. FOR SHOW TICKETS, go to https://t.co/nMA6gjiwzH https://t.co/9dLXXJDU6v
You'll Probably Agree... @ypareviews
10K Followers 331 Following Within the confines of local Chicago pub, I cover many of the latest films, plus classics, through my writing and in-depth film discussions.
Nordstrom @Nordstrom
643K Followers 45K Following Serving customers since 1901. Tweeting since 2008. Customer service: 1-888-282-6060 #nordstrom For company updates follow @NordstromNow
Zach Tinkle @ztinkman
14 Followers 263 Following
JOVINCO K2 SMITH @K2Jovinco
36 Followers 695 Following
Chris Gersch @chris_gersch
235 Followers 194 Following Family / Faith / Fun / Flying / Force For Good/ Feeding America/ Funding / F3 / Foundation / FOREX/ Foo Fighters
Randy Rosado @randyrosado99
72 Followers 134 Following Came here for Instant News. Now I’m pissed off at some jag off from Whocaresville about best dessert toppingsMatt Beran @beran_40
69 Followers 263 Following
Sarah Perry @SperryComedy
1K Followers 728 Following mediocre female person with crumbs in her bed 🎤
Mariann Aalda: Don’... @mariannaalda
1K Followers 2K Following Actress | Humorist | ContemporAger @ TEDx & AARP | Age Anarchist @ https://t.co/7vbZgFBdAQ | Radical Age Disruptor @ https://t.co/eeVc5J6YD8
CKC @CountryKnolling
47 Followers 668 Following
Joe @Blueinchicago69
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Dave Ihlenfeld @daveihl
7K Followers 1K Following Written for Family Guy, Star Trek: Lower Decks, Malcolm in the Middle. Author of the book "Dog Days: A Year in the Wienermobile".
Bob @Hungryhippo7814
23 Followers 181 Following
Gettin' Gater Chomped @No1GatorFans
366 Followers 959 Following The absolute number 1 fans of The Florida Gators down here in Gainesville, Fl. GOOOOO GATOR NATION!!!
Ingrid Andreina @ingriidGle
3 Followers 112 Following
Becca O'Neal 🍒 @becca_oneal
23K Followers 7K Following comedian. writer. sustainable sewing. she/her 💞 becca.v.oneal@gmail
Mona @Mona8490
96 Followers 722 Following
ss @siang_0112
3 Followers 2K Following
Jaime @jaimelapa
53 Followers 3K Following
Black Box Comedy @BlackBoxChicago
662 Followers 2K Following Bringing premium stand-up comedy to Chicago's @TheWipTheater every Friday and Saturday!
Super Awesome Night @SuprAwesomeNite
15 Followers 114 Following Adult night out for the kid at heart. Check out our upcoming dinner, A Night at the Grand Budapest Hotel on our website.
Beatriz Arana @beaarana
464 Followers 2K Following Chicago native living in Madrid proud mother of two boys, owner of Energia Communications and passionate about what matters in life, and about new technology
StandupAndDebate @StandupNDebate
54 Followers 219 Following
SHANG-*Comedian! @ComedianSHANG
81K Followers 90K Following FOLLOW me & Live 4ever, Don't & u will smell like ASSfoot 4ever. Progressive Activist #NYC! #MMA [email protected] https://t.co/SAHUj8TK7Z
MAT&T @mattchiaramonte
570 Followers 1K Following these tweets do not represent my true feelings about the JFK assassination
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
2.1M Followers 1.3M Following Music. Comedy. Fitness. Outrageous!.... I explain in the video here→https://t.co/ieA94HDzQu
News Exposure @NewsExposure
699 Followers 3K Following News Exposure is a leading Digital Content Solutions Company specializing in Media Research, Media Monitoring, Press Release Distribution and Media Analysis.
Jenny Clark @jclark02
23 Followers 109 Following
Katie Morgenroth @ktcigs
38 Followers 175 Following Designer by day. 70's ski jacket enthusiast and dreamer by night.
Lauren Vatrano @LaurenVatrano
3 Followers 45 Following
Matt Miazga @mattmiazga7
51 Followers 32 Following
Andrew Shaw @mrandrewshaw
421 Followers 1K Following Micro Micro Influencer, Nap enthusiast, I read other people's words and wear their clothes for a living IG: @MrAndrewShaw
LittleMissCharlee @LilMissCharlee
15 Followers 290 Following
Mentor RockIt @MentorRockit
504 Followers 1K Following Women Rock. Get a mentor to help rock your career. Mentor RockIt is a free, quick & easy, private network to connect women of all stages to mentors.
TCOTBoutique @tcotqc
162 Followers 574 Following
Marques Brownlee @MKBHD
6.1M Followers 483 Following Web Video Producer | ⋈ | Pro Ultimate Frisbee Player | Host of @WVFRM @TheStudio
Josh Johnson @JoshJohnson
44K Followers 545 Following Correspondent on @thedailyshow Standup comic & Emmy-nominated writer. Listen to the Josh Johnson Show podcast on @spotify + @apple
Chris Redd @Reddsaidit
82K Followers 3K Following Comedian! Hit the link below for tickets, updates, ALL OF IT!!
Half An Onion 🧅 @HalfOnionInABag
460K Followers 12 Following Just here to get more followers than @elonmusk
Ben Gleib @bengleib
110K Followers 4K Following Standup Comedian • TV Host • Hour specials “The Mad King” & “Neurotic Gangster” (link in bio) • Idiotest host - NETFLIX, Pluto TV • TYT host
Elizabeth Stewy @elizabthsstewy
843 Followers 571 Following Challenges are what make life interesting
RetroBikeGear.com @retrobikegear
44 Followers 29 Following Old School and Vintage Motorcycle Gear and Apparel for the Refined Motorbiker...
Android Authority @AndroidAuth
1.2M Followers 114 Following Your source for the best phones, apps, headphones, deals, and more. Send tips to [email protected]. Some of our links may earn us affiliate commissions.
BOY KISSES @boykissescomedy
433 Followers 151 Following Minneapolis comedy abroad. Sketches on our youtube. Very kissable.
Black Box Comedy @BlackBoxChicago
662 Followers 2K Following Bringing premium stand-up comedy to Chicago's @TheWipTheater every Friday and Saturday!
Christina Schriver @stinaschriver
4K Followers 3K Following Stand up comedian and very cool person. Find me on Threads @stinaschriver.
Zanies Rosemont @zaniesrosemont
3K Followers 557 Following Chicagoland's Premier Stand Up Comedy Showplace
Supply&Demand Comedy @ComedySupply
2K Followers 71 Following A limited run show at the world famous Laugh Factory
𝘁𝗶𝗺 𝗯𝗮... @TimBarnes451
9K Followers 3K Following writer: Comedy Central, The Tonight Show, Nickelodeon. LATEST → @thejudgetravis
Brian Brushwood @shwood
1.4M Followers 664K Following Host of Discovery’s “Scam School” - Nat Geo’s “Hacking the System” - “Modern Rogue” on YouTube - and (my favorite) the podcast “World’s Greatest Con”
James Scott Patterson @JScottPatterson
17K Followers 2K Following Comedy Special: Superior Design https://t.co/0qNFMxd8tV
MAT&T @mattchiaramonte
570 Followers 1K Following these tweets do not represent my true feelings about the JFK assassination
Becca O'Neal 🍒 @becca_oneal
23K Followers 7K Following comedian. writer. sustainable sewing. she/her 💞 becca.v.oneal@gmail
b4 the bell podcast @b4thebellpod
8K Followers 775 Following Wrestling Podcast hosted by comedians Martin Morrow, @ctisdope, & @chris_please. Episodes LIVE every Sunday on Youtube on Late AF Productions!
Brooks Wheelan @brookswheelan
53K Followers 693 Following Seth Meyers, Conan, SNL, GIRLS, AP Bio, I Think You Should Leave, Big Hero 6, & other stuff. I also host Entry Level and Travels & Such.
j @jsteinbrunner
2K Followers 506 Following The Dumbest U.S. Presidential Candidate. Speaking Hard Truths. Questioning is Contagious. satire/parody
Brent Morin @BrentMorin
45K Followers 451 Following I'm on things. I stand on stages too. #imbrentmorin on Netflix.
After Midnight @midnight
362K Followers 7 Following follow us literally anywhere else. weeknights 12:37/11:37c on CBS and streaming on Paramount+
Eugene Mirman @EugeneMirman
308K Followers 548 Following I'm a comedian & voice Gene on @BobsBurgersFox. Also Delocated, @Fotc, Archer. Tour dates: May 9 & 10 with Derrick Brown at Rockwell in Somerville, MA.
Ali Spagnola @alispagnola
2.1M Followers 1.3M Following Music. Comedy. Fitness. Outrageous!.... I explain in the video here→https://t.co/ieA94HDzQu
Sarah Beattie @nachosarah
432K Followers 570 Following writer. comedy person. I hate your ex boyfriend. Sorry I meant mine. I have big tits
Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
82K Followers 3K Following I write for TV and pick up my dog’s shit with a little bag.
rob fee @robfee
98K Followers 855 Following WWE Director of Character Development | I love hibachi and Letterboxd and Destiny 2 and my wife and physical media but not in that order.
rob delaney @robdelaney
1.3M Followers 2 Following You can get my book, A Heart That Works, at the link below.
Andrew Shaw @mrandrewshaw
421 Followers 1K Following Micro Micro Influencer, Nap enthusiast, I read other people's words and wear their clothes for a living IG: @MrAndrewShaw
Matt Miazga @mattmiazga7
51 Followers 32 Following
Katie Morgenroth @ktcigs
38 Followers 175 Following Designer by day. 70's ski jacket enthusiast and dreamer by night.
Rachel Irvin @rachelirvin
385 Followers 722 Following I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
Stephaniquely @stephaniquely
66 Followers 688 Following
























