old jumpers @oldjumpers
stand-up comedian and comedy writer floating through a master’s in history hampstead to south london Joined August 2018-
Tweets2K
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Followers33K
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Following3K
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Listening to Daniel Radcliffe’s charmingly indie Desert Island Discs again and love the part where he picks ‘Where Is My Mind’ and then - without any hesitation - names several more Pixies songs just to prove he’s not some bloody phoney
very premature parenting decision: will teach my child to start every sentence with “you won’t believe” so that they 1) attract more clicks and generate more advertising revenue and 2) have a whale of a time when they’re eating something someone has mistaken for butter
the missing "of" in a professional double-checked email i just sent is getting logged in the minor regrets folder and, despite being minor, will worm it’s way into my thoughts for the rest of the week
surely the saddest bit of self-employment in april is sitting topless in your parents’ house with no one to say “sun’s out guns out” to
home last night going on a delightful romp through some really very bleak primary school poetry and then being spat out of that rabbit hole only to be sent down another, googling the person it was written about and going down a less delightful tatler/daily mail pit of pain
umming and erring because the guys who are wrong about everything seem confident this time
*snorts line in a pitch meeting* it's a film about a man and a woman who don’t like each other but don’t like turning up to family events without a partner more than they dislike each other
yeah sex is great but have you ever speed-walked off the tube at hampstead and bagged a lift all to yourself?
first they came for rishi sunak. and i held the door open and pointed at rishi sunak
you can’t change the past but boy can you self-indulgently think about it boundlessly whilst downing red bull and chomping down on a carrot
hardly ever see men discretely coughing up blood into a monogrammed scented irish linen handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore
laurence fox has been asked to pay £180,000 damages in a libel case and woken up as laurence fox on the same day. all he needs now is to get water on his sleeves whilst washing up for the full trifecta of tragedy
you can ask with heavy drippings of politeness all you like but only the devil decides whether the cocksure employee at the wanky independent coffee shop will or won’t let you piss in their loo
emailing a stranger to politely explain that the sale is off as i am the worst hoarder of all time and someone else actually wanting to buy the big and hard-to-find history book i never read has made me realise how important it is that i keep and never read that book, forever
most of my used clothes going straight in the laundry bag, apart from the odd barely-worn pyjama bottoms, trapped in a miserable purgatory-like holding pen by the bag in case of another minor sleep where it can see out the remaining 50% of its transition to filth
my boxer shorts come with two tiny buttons in the fly. if i’m feeling particularly decadent i unbutton when i need a piss
few are treated with greater contempt than customers loyal to a single broadband provider
millionaire 1898: i shall use my fortune to provide a school, a library, and housing for the poor. millionaire 2024: i’m going to wank in a rocket.
Sir Stuart Glover @stuglow
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84 Followers 246 Following That thing you like, it's not even English. Well done boys, good process.Disastrous would have been the result if a fire or a death had suddenly demanded something heroic of human nature, but tragedies come in the hungry hours.
God, just doing the bins has completely wiped me out. Would like to feel a bit more alive soon, k thx bai
Thinking was torment; why not give up thinking, and drift and dream?
sad to announce I’ve been placed in cinema jail from my unlimited subscription because I keep getting sucked in by the lovely pub directly across the road
Sounds like he's trying to pull during Freshers Week.
Brian Cox slams the Bible as one of the 'worst books ever' and fumes over 'propaganda and lies' mirror.co.uk/3am/us-celebri…
I’m so struck full of joy and love I can scarcely stop a minute from dancing, writing poems, cooking, and living. 4/29/56
Virginia Woolf works off her depression over rejections from Harper’s (no less!---and I can hardly believe that the Big Ones get rejected, too!) by cleaning out the kitchen. And cooks haddock & sausage. Bless her. I feel my life linked to her, somehow. 1957
the sexiest thing a person can do is delight in learning and be perpetually amazed by new discoveries
Lincoln’s Inn looking delightful this evening.
@oldjumpers You may find this handy.
It’s a sunny spring afternoon in Soho, and I’m having a cider (his preferred pint) in the bar where, for years, we laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. It is fucking revolting. I miss you, my friend
That’s how I remember him: walking away in sunshine, to go somewhere he didn’t really want to go. Somewhere I couldn’t go. I hope there’s champagne there
One of the last times I saw him - the actual him, and thinking about it, it may even have been the last time - was on a sunny spring afternoon in Soho. When he had to leave, he left with words to the effect of “I don’t really want to go, but there’s free champagne”
A year ago today, after a short and unexpected illness, my friend Adam died. An absolute giant of a man, who had no business dying as young as he did. It’s odd to describe death as being “out of character”, but the man was so vividly alive he almost had an air of immortality
Hollywood should go back to making more buddy cop films where the title is just their two names like in Tango & Cash. There were loads of others too but I’ve forgotten them now. I want to say turner and hooch but one of them was a dog. Ok cheers everyone have a good night 👍
@oldjumpers No! But going to attempt it next time I'm in London
man in cafe who wants everyone to know he’s a singer-songwriter