PerfumeAdsForSale @PerfumeAds
We write high quality perfume and aftershave adverts, all of which are for sale: £5000 each. Guaranteed hits. Enquiries: [email protected] London, England Joined January 2018-
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We're in a universe where Timothée Chalamet was never born People roam the streets squinting hungry for answers answers to questions nobody remembers asking Fog A peach sinks into a pool of black oil The ashes of a forest fire An empty perfume bottle A single word VOID
Scotland. Black&White. Timelapse clouds. Reverse eagle. Then: “Stop. What’s that noise?” Chalamet removes his velvet headphones & listens “Just as I thought. Rain” He leaves the castle topless & lays in the grass letting the rain blast against his inquisitive nipples. DIOR
Luke Evans checks his watch “People ask what time it is Maybe they should ask what time it isn’t? Points to his temple “Think about it” He smooshes pink lotion over his torso & dives into the Seine But it is not filled with water It is brimful with the thick balm of destiny
New York is empty but for one man Idris Elba in a kilt His eyes are eternal His thoughts, black & white He pulls out a pocket telescope & looks out Telescope POV: in the distance Elba is looking back at himself through another telescope BOTH ELBAS: “Checkmate” ‘BELONG’
A flat-capped David Beckham plays saxophone to a heard of cows “Are we so different?” He walks amongst the beasts, pausing occasionally to touch nostrils with them “No” A pear lands in some hay Timelapse donkey birth Back to the field. David now has horns. Perfume bottle
Jerusalem. 2034. Tom Hardy exits a stainless-steel drone wearing turquoise salopettes. “I’ve searched time” A lamb is born in reverse A gloved hand plucks a berry. Hardy karate kicks the air “Welcome to yesterday” 9 minutes of wasps
Chris Hemsworth strips down to his vest to write a letter. ‘ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTVWXYZ’ A tear falls onto the page, blotting the ink. “Something’s missing” Chris burns the page. “Perhaps...it is U” Chris looks deep into your soul and marries you with his eyes. I REMEMBER U
A horse stands in the centre of Times Square No one is there Jake Gyllenhaal approaches Goes nose to nose with the beast “I knew you’d come” Cut He is now living in a small village just outside Marseille A photo of the horse hangs on the wall Cut to a bottle of perfume
A cactus is on fire. Kit Harington stands before it: “They say dance like no one’s watching. Wrong. I dance like everyone in the whole world is watching” He strides to camera. Pulls the 4 of spades from his pocket. “Is this your card?” He walks away. Fade to indigo.
A divided world Protestors Chanting Natalie Portman arrives in an open top VW Beetle Her hair is braided Her energy is Swiss She lifts a megaphone and sings a soft, folk version of ‘Rappers Delight’ The crowd melt into doves The Dior logo appears, made entirely from hope
Jared Leto stalks the plains in a velvet dinner suit Monochrome winds tousle his small beard “What am I searching for? Love. Deep, gushing love” He pulls out an antique trumpet, toots a little ditty A woman appears. She has antlers Slowly, delicately, he kisses her chin.
Poetic night David Gandy thinks at the moon Dissolve into his complicated mind A muscular torso is hit with a fine, oily mist Time-lapse fox corpse The word ‘TRUTH?’ written on parchment An ostrich reverses through a supermarket Gandy, years later “Unimpossible Yourself”
A puma enters a cocktail party. Everyone stares at the puma. People whisper: ‘is that a ...puma?’ The puma passes a drape, rises to its hind legs & morphs into Benedict Cumberbatch. ‘No’, say the people, ‘’tis a man’ Cumberbatch, down the lens: “Can I interest you in Love?”
Natalie Portman gallops through Paris on a flaming horse “We need not things. Only hope.” A rich man pushes his Jag into the Seine “To inspire others” Another gifts his watch to an orphan “You must outspire yourself” Natalie, covered in ash, runs to the sunset on all fours
Sotheby’s Frenzied bidding on a rare ostrich egg BANG. Sold to telephone bidder 9 The egg begins to hatch People gasp A tiny hand pierces the albumen. A newborn Gerard Butler screams into existence. Cut to Gerard Butler aged 90 on a phone in China laughing DESTINY by Kenzo
In slow motion Jake Gyllenhaal turns his head to look out of a window Hold on Jake Gyllenhaal looking out of the window for 40 minutes Then he looks back at camera: (wisely) “Unknow Thyself” He now has the eyes of a mallard Fade to ethereal whiteness ‘TRUTH’ Perfume bottle
Ewan McGregor on a motorbike, wearing a little scarf. “Life. They say if you blink, you’ll miss it.” Ewan stares at his reflection in a lake. “That's why…” Face to face with a coyote. “I never blink” Ewan atop a mountain, staring intensely at the sky. Thunder.
Fade in Atop a volcano stands Charlize Theron She takes off her monocle & casts it into the lava: “I do not need to see” Points to her heart “I feel” A microphone descends Charlize grabs it & sings the whole of ‘What If God Was One Of Us’ In Korean. Twice. DIOR
It's Justin Bieber’s funeral. Beliebers cannot belieb it. Weeping mourners cast brassieres into his grave. As it’s filled with soil, a distraught supermodel dives in to be with him forever. It's over. The vicar removes his moustache. It’s Justin Bieber. “Where do I begin?”
Silk, says Harry Styles when the mermaid asks what his tortoise holder is made from Black & white winds tousle his hair The mermaid gently strokes his cheek: “I know you” STYLES “Know me you do” He dismounts his horse & kisses her not once, not twice, not thrice, but frice
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@PerfumeAds this is still my absolute favourite I have scoured the world for drivel and have never encountered such high quality as this makes me spit with laughter every time
Richard Ashcroft - The Drugs Don't Work (Live on The Chris Evans Breakfast Show with Sky) His voice is timeless 🤌🏻
@SerpentineGag @FoxesSnakes @PerfumeAds Luke Evans checks his watch People ask what time it is Maybe they should ask what time it isn’t?
@lizadeblock Have you seen the @PerfumeAds Twitter account? It’s *genius*
@PerfumeAds No posts since December 😰 Have you guys blagged a job? Really miss your regular tweets “Nobody understands the poetry of wheat like Chris Hemsworth” is my all-time favourite and makes me spit with laughter every time 👍
@theguyliner Always makes me think of @PerfumeAds tweets, although they're better
@PerfumeAds @davetrott Replace the line with “Future is an attitude.” And the wasps with some generic driving shots through a desert. No worse than any of the recent Audi ads.
"Nine Minutes Of Wasps there, and they're coming in for a session next month"
@PerfumeAds This is your most prolific time of year. Well done.
Over the past few days, I set out to answer a burning question that I've had for years: Why are perfume ads so weird? It's a pretty wild story 🧵
@PerfumeAds Would be better if the horse lived in Marseille, with a picture of Jake on his equine home
@duncancollett You should def follow @PerfumeAds
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