🐧 azucena @theboringclam
Guess who got bored and went back to school? ME 😅 Cow Town California Joined June 2014-
Tweets12K
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Followers531
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Following450
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Likes39K
For a total of $2,391 on spending for April (not including rent and utilities because I paid them early)
For a total of $2,391 on spending for April (not including rent and utilities because I paid them early)
them: you’re so lucky to not have kids me: that’s not luck it is on purpose
I wasn’t built from millions of years of stardust to “reply to an email”
There’s a real lack of gargoyles on buildings here. Let’s bring that back.
I love saying “sounds good” at work and don’t shit sound good
me: oh cool this concert is only $25 ticketmaster: bitch you thought
just realized you can “customize” your life by making decisions in situations. as they happen to you 👍
therapist: you seem manic me: well it is monday
My work best friend just got aid off: wtf?? I knew it was coming, but I thought I would be part of the wave also.
alcoholics be like "drink it, it tastes like juice" ok then why is my chest hot
Who did this puzzle in the 90's? Or was it just me?
Judging by the comments made by men in response to the hypothetical bear, women are probably better off taking their chances with any fucking animal other than human males.
ok no offense……. but i Am already yearning for corn mazes and haunted houses and pumpkin patches…… apple orchards…….. fall scented candles……
Love this combo, need to add another shade to my room
No one sees you getting up early. No one sees the parties you missed. No one sees you working late. No one sees how many times you failed. No one sees how hard you train. No one sees how hard you study. But when it works out they say it’s luck.
Celebrating your birthday is important, doesn’t matter how you do it. It’s an underrated blessing seeing another year of life.
Being tipsy is 10x better than being drunk
Women are choosing to stay single and childfree not bec they hate men or western influence, but they are registering the exhaustion of women around them - colleagues, friends, relatives - and choosing not to raise a husband alongside a baby and do disproportionate labour
Whatever the fuck I want
I genuinely believe tulips have gotten more beautiful in the last four years. I never used to care about them, but now every April I go around overwhelmed almost to tears with aesthetic pleasure over tulips, like some gay Dutchman in 1634
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imagine she adds a set to the eras tour but it’s debut instead of ttpd like i genuinely think that would be the funniest thing possible
Just at the airport and there’s a woman chasing around and shouting after her toddler Alan The toddler is called Alan
Bye, see you all on Monday, I tell my 47 work tabs
New slice just dropped this is big news in the sandwich community
when Anne Hathaway tells her bestie that her boyf is 24 and she’s like ‘that’s nothing babe’ and Anne says ‘ok but when my ex did it you said it was gross’ and her bestie just shrugs and is like ‘yes but I hate him and love you’ that is exactly how I disregard my besties wrongs
I have a long drive with my husband today, and he doesn't know it yet, but he gets to listen to 31 Taylor Swfit songs in order with commentary from me
when I was a kid I took a mouse with a broken leg to the vet to have it amputated and afterwards the vet asked me what I thought was a good price and I was like “… $50?” and he asked me if I had $50 and I said no I do not and he charged me 5
"Eliminate sugar from your diet" how about I eliminate joy from my life too? Maybe I should just grow bitter, sad, shrivel up and die? Perhaps I will enjoy the sweet release of death?
why do supermarkets have cheese in so many places, here’s the fancy cheese, here’s the ok cheese, here’s the auxiliary cheese display like please..no more riddles
Guess who accidentally clicked “pay entire balance” when making a credit card payment and has subsequently over drafted her checking account by a terrifying number
9pm at a sleepover: omg this is so fun we should paint our nails next 3am at a sleepover:
Why must the final act of love always be letting go
I encountered my first cyber truck in the wild today. Shit looked like the brave little toaster on meth
Calling someone a bozo is so fucking funny. Let’s bring that back
My brother is 47, and I'm 46. He had a vasectomy in his twenties. We both choose to be childfree. I'm the only one who gets called a whore. I'm the only one who is told I will be lonely and my cats will eat me. He the one with the cat
This slice design looks like it offers the most sandwich intake. I will not explain further.