Paul Rudnick @PaulRudnickNY
Novelist, playwright, essayist and screenwriter, whom the New York Times has called, “one of our pre-eminent humorists.” Illustration by Tom Bachtell paulrudnick.com New York, NY Joined September 2015-
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Every question Brett Kavanaugh asks translates as, "But how would this effect a straight white guy who hates women but is really a super cool dude who was drunk at the time so he's still super cool and he needs to protect his bros?"
Steve Bannon called Lindsey Graham "a poisonous serpent." To which Lindsey replied, "And I'm a Dixie temptress, a verandah bandit, a Carolina strumpet, three miles of man trap, a Jezebel Without Borders and the senate's #1 hussified honeypot. And don't you forget it!"
After David Pecker testified that Sarah Huckabee Sanders was in on Trump's hush money scam, she was seen screaming at her $19,000 podium, "I paid you good money to shut the hell up"
When Tom Cotton was asked directly if he'd emerged from a spaceship intending to conquer our planet, he made beeping noises and said, "Silly earthlings, thinking you can question me. Josh Hawley, hand me my proton phaser"
Eric and Don Jr say they're vetting candidates for Trump's administration for "loyalty." So far they've picked: - Alex Murdaugh - Lara Trump's plastic surgeon - A guy who sold Don Jr cocaine in a Starbucks restroom - A cool poster of a Ninja Turtle from Eric's bedroom
A surprise witness at the NYC trial announced: "I am the beautiful seductress who lives in Mr. Trump's head and forces him to do wicked things. He's powerless before Kimberly, the Goddess Who Buys Her Outfits at Satan's Bridal&Prom 4 Less and Her Jewelry From Melania's Website"
Since Mike Johnson did a photo op at Columbia about anti-semitism, let's remember his insistence that America is "a Christian nation", that abortion should be banned without exceptions, and that all LGBTQ people should be jailed
Lauren Boebert's saying: "I'd like to handle your ballots" "I'm feeding the muskrat that lives on my head" "I'm not married at the moment" "Have you seen Beetlejuice?" "Guess where I'm hiding my gun" "I don't believe in abortion, gay rights or last names"
Lara, the Dumbest Trump, just announced the RNC is bringing election interference lawsuits in "81 states." She added, "Including West Missitucky, Upper Narnia, New Polyvinyl, South Oxyclean and my home state of Moronia"
On Fox Jesse Watters said it's "cruel" to force Trump to sit through his own trial because "He needs sunlight, exercise, action." Also: mulch, Lipitor, soap and water, Beano, better lies, photoshop, a tailor, a fake passport, Viagra gummies, and a puzzle book for ages 4-8
George Santos has ended his indie campaign for Congress. Because: - His Mom died again - His imaginary husband left him for Tim Scott's Christian girlfriend - He's starring in the next revival of Cabaret - "My sweaters need me more" - Got tenure at Harvard and Hogwarts
Kari Lake just: - Stole all the silverware from a stranger's wedding - Shoplifted self-tanner from the Trump warehouse - Took a human head from a morgue as her new campaign manager - Ran from the police while yelling, "These twelve rolls of toilet paper are MINE"
Other cases the Arizona Supreme Court is taking up: - Women speaking in public, a violation of 1832 Uppity Statute - Gay characters on sitcoms, which Leviticus strictly forbids - Eliminating all Democratic candidates from ballots, to level the playing field for Kari Lake
Trump, like all MAGAs, shrieks that he's being silenced while whining about his victimhood everywhere. Trump and his followers are the most relentlessly heard people on the planet
Stories Trump tried to have planted in The Enquirer: REVEALED: TRUMP IS 6'8" AND WEIGHS 145 POUNDS ALL MUSCLE TRUTH: A WOMAN ONCE HAD SEX WITH TRUMP FOR FREE EXPOSED: MELANIA SPOTTED NEAR TRUMP FACT: MANY WOMEN CALL BANKRUPTCIES 'HOT' PROVEN: MAKEUP ON OLDER MEN CURES COVID
The 4 Questions at Jared and Ivanka's seder: 1. Do we have to invite Lara and Eric? 2. Why is everyone so upset when Jared already solved the Middle East? 3. Did Moses accept cash from the Saudis? 4. Should we drop off some matzoh at the courthouse?
Trump's lawyer calls him "a man, a husband and a father." Also: "He's the kind of guy you'd like to pay hush money to your daughter" "He's the best friend a murderous dictator ever had" "He waves to the poor" "His heart is as big as his pants"
Trump's lawyer told the jury he'd be referring to his client as "President Trump." Or: "Please sir, wake up" "Mister Big Boy Pants" "Your Fartship" "Mrs. Vladimir Putin" "Alina Habba's Previous Client" "America's Top Defendant" "The Heffalump In Chief" "Uncle Slumpy"
Authenticated photo of Lindsey Graham after saying the name "David Pecker" out loud, giggling and then hearing his MeeMaw's voice scolding, "Lindsey Olin Graham, you are a filthy little boy"
After SCOTUS refused to hear Kari Lake's latest election interference lawsuit, Kari's head blew off and was later found in a thrift store dumpster
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“Mary Jane”: What an immaculate production, in the best sense. Staggering.
On one of the older subway trains, we only gradually passed another older train, riding parallel with it as a saxophonist began to play in the middle of our car. It was like being transported, for a rhythmic little bit, into a more relaxing past.
yessss the rumors are truueee I just badly stubbed ANOTHER toe in a way that will inevitably turn my toenail a weird color permanentlyyyy thank youuuuu ❤️❤️❤️
What an excellent novel: "Farrell Covington and the Limits of Style" by Paul Rudnick. Awesome writing, wonderful story, AND hilarious. Cannot recommend enough.
If only alienating everybody who has an influence over your career could be considered a skill
Happy 84th birthday to Al Pacino, one of our greatest actors. And a reminder that my close personal friend Glenn Kenny's THE WORLD IS YOURS: THE STORY OF SCARFACE will be out on May 7, and it's going to be a must-read! amazon.com/World-Yours-St…
"This meticulous examination of 'Scarface 'is a wildly enjoyable ride..." Kirkus Reviews "Readers will be spellbound" — Publisher's Weekly "Riveting" — Library Journal "Comprehensive" — Booklist Preorder "The World Is Yours: The Story of 'Scarface'" here: amazon.com/World-Yours-St…
❤️❤️
some of us have been Cole Escola stans from the BEGINNING anyways thank you @julieklausner for this perfect show 🫡
@PaulRudnickNY Paul, hid bless you and your ability to make me laugh out loud…I needed it today❤️
Said it before, will say it again. I want every fake elector from all seven states to face every penalty and pay the highest price possible for their efforts in trying to overturn the 2020 election. No sympathy, no immunity. Lock them up, or fine them into oblivion.
RIP Helen Vendler, one of the greatest critics of our time. I learned so much from her over many years of reading her long and profound essays on #poetry in @NewYorker; every one was an education.
Since my disastrous journey on the world's biggest cruise ship for @TheAtlantic the literary community has come together to help me heal. As a reward, on the sub that stacks (link in bio) I give you more photos and whiny commentary, including a peek inside my shitty cabin!
VOTE
Pennsylvania, today is your presidential primary. There’s too much at stake to sit this one out. Let’s bring it home: IWillVote.com.
Wow! What a record!! Thank you, Mr. President. 🇺🇸 @POTUS
FOUR MORE YEARS. LET’S JOE BIDEN💙💙💙
When President Clinton banned assault rifles in 1994, mass shootings dropped by 43%. After Republicans let the ban expire in 2004, they increased by 243% — please don’t tell me bans don’t work, because I don’t want to hear it.
That Justice Thomas, whose spouse at the very least supported and helped organize elements that were used in Trump’s coup attempt, has not recused from this case, is a sign of his utter corruption.
Justice Thomas just suggested J6, legally, is no different than any other violent attempt to disrupt official proceedings
Trump and Trumpism would not have been possible without all those who knew better but enabled him, coddled him, excused him, promoted him, or just looked the other way.
Cry me a river
Paramount CEO Bob Bakish's 2023 Pay Falls to $31.3M hollywoodreporter.com/business/busin…
BREAKING: According to a NBC News Poll, President Biden is leading Donald Trump by 9 points among actual voters. Spread this everywhere so the media can’t ignore.
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