𝖆𝖑ε𝖝 @alienoccult

he/him 🏳️‍⚧️ commie scum ☭ existential dread Joined April 2018

Tweets

3K
Followers

2K
Following

2K
Likes

126K

erin chack @ErinChack

4 days ago

You ARE too old and it IS too late. Also you have a very specific vocal tic that strangers notice immediately and friends do unsavory impressions of.

175 4K 53K 1.7M 3K

View Details

a @yyioom

2 weeks ago

I didn’t think getting older would happen to me personally ngl

50 7K 39K 429K 1K

View Details

َ @saintava

2 weeks ago

i remember learning about weed for the first time as a kid and thinking "yeah this is something i'll likely be involved in"

88 3K 41K 733K 1K

View Details

Jared Gilman @realJaredGilman

3 weeks ago

“odyssey this” “odyssey that” u odyssey a therapist

182 17K 137K 2.3M 5K

View Details

Louise Jensen Duffy (also Ernest Jensen) @LouiseWeebe

3 weeks ago

You’re listening to Sisyphus FM, the home of non-stop rock.

314 23K 168K 2.5M 8K

View Details

laura @melaudrama

4 weeks ago

if i could have dinner with anyone dead or alive it would be ronald reagan so i could kill him again myself

4 91 1K 22K 12

View Details

Baathista @girIfaggot

4 weeks ago

That tweet that’s like “hell gotta be so awkward just filled with nazis and Israelis and they’re stuck down there together forever” bro that’s not hell that’s Argentina

88 9K 113K 986K 3K

View Details

 of wisdom ♕ @birdyofwisdom

4 weeks ago

@lizchar @atrupar Back then the world was black and white. You see that every time you watch an old film. It was only grey cards back then.

6 18 4K 101K 29

View Details

щ @Circle10

a month ago

telling my boss i’m going to go “stink up” the bathroom and when she makes a disgusted face i clarify that i mean i’m going in there to smoke pills off of tinfoil

9 403 8K 158K 234

View Details

27. @dimvji

a month ago

so this shyness thing doesn't go away with age huh

652 16K 127K 5.0M 6K

View Details

baber @bakerbakerbaker

a month ago

there is a coors light that never goes out

23 1K 11K 249K 237

View Details

🦂 @sloungerie

a month ago

“with all the coke in the world, why is your nose in my business” wise words from my 50 year old gay coworker

85 14K 133K 1.6M 10K

View Details

miri @eggoslug

a month ago

I got that deer in me im going to jump in front of your car

99 19K 127K 1.7M 4K

View Details

Always keep cash and a blade or blunt object on you. I was walking home one night and a guy on a bmx bike asked if I wanted to buy it. He requested a mere $10. I knew he stole it, but I had spraypaint at my house so I took him up on the deal. Then he inquired where he could get crack. It was 3 am but I knew just the place, so I directed him there whilst doing bunny hops and riding lazily on the back pegs. Then the crack dealer asked me about the bike and offered me $20 for it. Never accept the first offer. I told him i had it for years and was really sentimental about it, the guy who sold it to me earlier didn't utter a word because I already flashed the boxcutter I keep in my crewsocks when I went to grab the $10 earlier for him. We eventually settled on a trade of 3 grams of meth for it. I tell you this because I want you to remember that the whole world doesn't exist behind a screen, but rather with people who actually who go outside with an open mind. You always have to be ready to kill people though

247 1K 20K 1.1M 2K

View Details

aircraftcabin @aircraftcabin

2 months ago

Miami?? You mean Latina Israel?

145 5K 75K 1.5M 3K

View Details

av glock🧩 @futonchill

2 months ago

you should always smell nice cuz the first hole you penetrate is someone’s nostrils

441 20K 242K 3.2M 12K

View Details

Assman @Guntreloaded

2 months ago

My wife: I'm fucking someone else Me: (chuckling) you've just given me the moral high ground

33 451 20K 1.6M 749

View Details

•ᴗ- @evadentz

2 months ago

we should ban teenagers from ALL media. and then on their 16th birthday they are brought to a theatre to be shown a movie of a train coming directly at them to see if they react and flee in horror like they did in 1896

95 8K 148K 1.4M 4K

View Details

PunishedAoi @PunishedAoi

2 months ago

did you know the retirement age in the US used to be fifty years old? 50. You'd work for a company for 30 years, get a pension and retire with plenty of time left to enjoy life. Now they expect you to work to 70+. Literally until you fucking die.