Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

This shall be a chronological diary of my life in American Suburbia Joined April 2024

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Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

9 hours ago

Sun's out funs out biotchesss

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Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

3 days ago

Sexual predator @HarveyWeinstein is in the hospital. My guess is that he's there to get a rape kit. Besides the irony, the problem for that sicko is gonna be the #high number of #DNA samples there gonna find up there

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Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

5 days ago

My groundbreaking theory is that the inspiration for #Oj murdering those people was that song by PP Arnold, 'The First Cut is the Deepest'. We need more #censorship in this country

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Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

a week ago

I'm still awake because I don't wanna go to bed angry, and right now, I'm so confused about an argument with my #wife. I asked that next time she gets ice cream to not get vanilla because the grounds get stuck in my teeth. She was furious and disputed my texture complaint wholly

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Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

a week ago

Everyone else realizes that the most #famous person that's in an episode of your favorite #detective or #investigation drama is the culprit? Every time... it's the most famous person or guest star on the show. It would be an actual mystery if they used complete #nobodies.

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Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

a week ago

My #wife either cooked a #turkey or made good on her promise to cut some dudes junk off, then cook it and eat it after cutting her off in #traffic.

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Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

2 weeks ago

Based on the surprised masturbator look, that's always on his face, I'm sure there's a logical explanation for why he was there. Right @RepMattGaetz? "Gaetz presence at cocaine-fueled party with 17-year-old girl seen by witness: report" l.smartnews.com/p-yPCFp/oIymny #SmartNews

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Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

2 weeks ago

I think the main deterrent for my committing #adultery is the effort that it would take to find a woman, find a convenient yet secluded place for sex, convince her to sleep with me while also convincing her to not tell my wife, and then keep up with all the other shit in my life

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Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

2 weeks ago

Justice #ClarenceThomas misses Supreme Court arguments... what does it matter? The dude hasn't said a word since denying those accusations at his nomination hearing... he's still pouting nbcnews.com/politics/supre…

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Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

2 weeks ago

I don't care if anybody has a problem with it. I'm coming out and saying it right now. Egghead Jr. was asking for trouble during those episodes. Foghorn Leghorn had to act with extreme use of force because of that little fuck

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Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

3 weeks ago

I'm completely aware and comfortable with the fact that 2-3 times a week that my wife climaxes multiple times before me during sex. The reason has NOTHING to do with my sexual abilities... the reason is the amazing #adulttoys that I correctly apply in order to achieve this goal

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Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

3 weeks ago

#BreakingNews‌ @theNCI confirms that after an extensive trial by its peers, #cancer is NOT GUILTY of the OJ Simpson murder. #cancer has also asked helicopters to stop following his White Blood Cell colored Bronco. It just wants to see its kids.

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Suburban Standard @SuburbanStandrd

3 weeks ago

As middle aged suburban husband I often think about the life of crime I would have led had I not met my wife subsequently changing my entire destiny. Anyhoo i was just thinkin i couldn't commit heists with other criminals ya can never trust em not to double or triple cross ya