SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

I’m late to everything because every time I leave the house I put my phone in my purse and then I wonder where my phone is so I look for it and find it in my purse so I close my purse and go OK good I have it in my purse and then I go wait where's my phone and I look for it again

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

4 years ago

Idk who needs to hear this but I’m not married yet.

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

One time I was planning to say “I love you” for the first time but instead I panicked, said “Goodnight Pookie” and ran inside my house before anyone could deal with the aftermath of that decision.

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

My friends with kids have been giving me advice for one day when I’m a parent. “Sleep when the baby sleeps,” is one I think I’ll really be good at. I too like to sleep all day except when I’m eating, and cry all night when I want attention.

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

I don’t think guys realize how much I do not like play-fighting. Throw me over your shoulder, do the blind fold thing, but tickle me and you’re getting a throat strike.

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

Time is money And I don’t have either.

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

Last night I dreamt that everywhere I went, dogs tried to make out with me. Like literal dogs. If someone wants to go ahead and analyze that one for me that would be great.

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

It’s important to drink wine before you get stressed out. That way you are not an alcoholic for drinking it after.

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

When I’m dating someone, I like to strike a nice balance between the woman they were first attracted to and my usual self. Lately this has translated into sleeping in lacy little pjs and a night guard.

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

Just realized if I got pregnant by accident, people would be like, “It’s about time,” Not: “Oh my gosh—but you’re so young though!”

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

With all the hair I shed, I’m legitimately worried it’s gonna blow into a crime scene one day.

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you plug the toilet at a guy’s house, just stand in there until it doesn’t smell, saying “hmm!! What’s going on?” really loud and then tell him you needed to pee but it appears he plugged his toilet.

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

He asked me if I was in the circus and that was our last date. More stories like this in “Single and Catless.”

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

Not to brag but I’m dating quite the accomplished man. I know this not because he told me but because his ex girlfriend posted about it once in 2012.

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

So as I was scraping my bowl into the garbage, I dropped it into the garbage and smashed it. No clean up, which is cool, but was the bowl half empty or half full? I’m undecided.

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SingleandCatless @SingleCatless

5 years ago

I think guys prefer talking on Snapchat because when they inevitably strike your last nerve, you can’t go back in the messages and show them what they did.