Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes
Need a little hit of Norm every day? Well here you go. These were all actual SNL Weekend Update jokes. A Cheese Sandwich Van Joined August 2022-
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In publishing news, Magic Johnson has received a five million dollar advance from Random House for his new book, entitled "What You Can Do to Avoid AIDS." Chapter one? "Don't have sex with me."
Well, Tom Cruise got ready for the premiere of his new movie, Interview With the Vampire. By sucking all the blood out of wife Nicole.
A 410 pound convict is fighting his execution. He claims that, if he is hanged, his head will be torn from his body, which would amount to "cruel and unusual punishment." Now, having your head completely torn from your body is cruel, I'll grant you, but is it really that unusual?
In an attempt to secure federal funding, a rural Idaho county wants the state Transportation Board to designate some of its roads as "back country byways." To strengthen their case, local officials plan to sexually assault Ned Beatty.
Well, for the second week in a row, Richard Gere's new film "Primal Fear" was number one at the box office. Leaving many Hollywood insiders to wonder, "Hey, uh, you think that gerbil story is true?"
Legendary pool hustler Minnesota Fats passed away Wednesday. You know, he's probably up in Heaven now, racking them up for a game with Saint Peter. Or maybe he's in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh, and the agonies of the damned never cease. Either way, he'll be missed!
In Montel Williams' new book, "Mountain, Get Out of My Way," the talk show host shares insights on how to set and achieve goals in life. Publishers expect it to be a best seller, outdoing even his first book, "Hair, Get Off of My Head."
In next week's Life Magazine, pop star Michael Jackson appears in a pictorial with his infant son. The photos show Jackson changing, feeding, and cradling the baby boy, in what Jackson himself promises will be Life Magazine's sexiest issue ever.
Last weekend in Washington, a new museum dedicated to broadcast jour- (Norm accidentally burps up some food). AHH. The fuck was that? (awkward silence as the crowd realizes Norm just said the F word. Then they applaud, as he grins, sheepishly) Yes. Ah ha. My farewell performance.
The Franklin Mint has announced plans to market a Princess Diana porcelain doll. And the timing of the move has some people very unhappy. Critics charge that the doll is in poor taste, and they're even more upset about the Franklin Mint's other new offering: Porcelain land mines.
Well, our best wishes to North Carolina senator Jesse Helms, who at 76 years old recently underwent surgery to repair an old knee injury. Doctors say the senator will no longer need a cane for walking, but Helms says he will continue to use it to scare off young whippersnappers.
In Wisconsin, students at Menomonie High School are desperately fighting efforts by the politically correct to change their team nickname, "The Indians." Already, opponents of the name have rejected the students' first compromise, "The Drunken Indians."
A new airport planned for San Diego would actually be located three miles out in the Pacific Ocean, built on forty-by-twenty foot floating cylinders. It's all part of a plan by city officials to have a huuuuuge disaster.
In a music store this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for forty-five minutes.
This week, in the O.J. Simpson civil trial, the focus shifted. From the defendant, to the alleged character flaws of Nicole Brown Simpson. Attorneys for O.J. hammered away at her lifestyle, citing sexual promiscuity, drug use, and the fact that she married a double murderer.
F. Lee Bailey said this week that if the defense only knew what Ron Goldman's last words were, they might be able to find the real killer. You know, if you ask me, Goldman's last words were probably, uh, "Hey, you're O.J. Simpson!"
O.J. pal Al Cowlings said this week that, in looking for the truth in the O.J. Simpson case, he sometimes talks to a picture of Nicole Brown Simpson. Something that, in the past, would have gotten him killed by O.J.
In a statement with profound legal implications, the FBI announced that, for the first time, experts can now identify a person with 100% accuracy through his DNA. And really, when you think about it, the timing could not have been better, said former football great O.J. Simpson.
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This is my new favorite account.
Legendary pool hustler Minnesota Fats passed away Wednesday. You know, he's probably up in Heaven now, racking them up for a game with Saint Peter. Or maybe he's in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh, and the agonies of the damned never cease. Either way, he'll be missed!
@NormSNLJokes The agonies of… speak of the devil!
@NormSNLJokes @bowl_of_worcel @pschofie79, this account seems up your alley
A very special thank you to everyone who has ever listened to our podcast, The Survivor Historians. Because yesterday we just hit our millionth download. Thank you again! It's one of my favorite projects I have ever worked on. P.S. Paul was wrong. Jeanne is the best.
@NormSNLJokes Let's go for a live update from F Lee Bailey himself.
@itsaburnerman @NormSNLJokes It’s word for word a Weekend Update joke from 1996.
Just found this account @zapata1910 I turned on notifications for this one
O.J. pal Al Cowlings said this week that, in looking for the truth in the O.J. Simpson case, he sometimes talks to a picture of Nicole Brown Simpson. Something that, in the past, would have gotten him killed by O.J.
LEGENDARY JOKE RIGHT HERE
It was revealed today that O.J. Simpson told police that Nicole Brown Simpson used to beat him up. He also claimed that she and Ron Goldman killed him.
I've been waiting 29 years to tell this story about OJ and his days at USC. Now that he's dead (may he burn in hell) I have a story that I signed an NDA for that is no longer valid. I was a junior at USC working in Topping Student Center on campus in 1995. I was an administrative…
@NormSNLJokes 9/14 and now 4/11 every year for national Norm Day. Dylan must be so proud of dad today.
Miss #NormMacdonald More Today Watching More NORM! RIP You GOAT❤ youtube.com/playlistlist=P… x.com/NormSNLJokes/s…
Well, it is finally official. Murder is legal in the state of California.
Still the best OJ Simpson line Ken Griffey Jr’s reaction 💀😂
Never forget Tim Meadows as OJ Simpson writing “I did it” on the NFL telestrater (one of the best SNL opens). This was shortly after the verdict.
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