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For the 85th straight year, my submission for Master's tickets was not chosen. Apparently, they really appreciate my continued interest, though.
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I saw a commercial for medicine to kill eyelid mites. So now AI apocalypse has slipped down to number 2 of my fears for the future.
Wouldn't be surprised if I win a James Beard award for these mini grilled cheeses that I made for lunch.
Dumbest word in any language: vlogger. Obviously.
I injured my knee playing basketball after my wife told me not to play because I might injure my knee. So now my knee is killing me, and I have to pretend it feels fine whenever my wife is around.
My wife and I had our house burglarized recently, and it’s really the invasion of privacy that hurts the most. I only noticed because I couldn’t find the ketchup. Fortunately, that seems to be the only thing missing. Unfortunately, I planned on having a hot dog for lunch.
And on a related topic: buffalo wings definitely aren't an appetizer.
I'm all for personal freedom and the right to make our own choices, but ranch dressing has no place being paired with buffalo wings.
If you're ever thinking about buying trip insurance, think harder.
The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is by far the fridayest of all Wednesdays.
It takes me about four weeks to get my schedule adjusted to Daylight Saving Time in the spring. In the fall, it takes me 10 seconds.
It seems to me that there's a low bar for determining what songs make it into a hymnal.
You're saying that if I sprinkle carpet powder on the rug, wait 15 minutes, and then vacuum up the junk that I just put on the rug, that my rug will actually be cleaner? Yeah ... I'm not falling for that one.
Marriage vows should probably read, "... to have and to hold, in sickness and in health - unless one of you has a cough for two weeks straight, then all bets are off - until death do you part?"
New idea for a FinTech company: A credit card where the secret code doesn't rub off after a month.
My wife told me that the electrician is going to call me, so now I have to answer phone calls from unknown numbers like I'm some sort of caveman.
My wife spilled a carton of blueberries and one of the employees brought her a broom.
We have a chain of grocery stores here that - I'm pretty sure - hires workers solely based on who's laziest.
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