CandleMagic @CandlesRMagic

If your house smells musty and closed in, light a floral scented candle. Immediately your house will smell like a musty flower shop.

Someone needs to develop candle scents especially for dogs like Fresh Groin, a Past Owner, or Fear. I bet dogs would love that.

Candle scents like Jasmine, Lavender and Hummus are fancy and delicate. The common man needs scents like rain, hard work or popcorn.

If you get locked in the closet, name your candle Pascablo and vow, "Pascablo, we will get our revenge." That's what I did.

Nothing says sophistication like a scented candle, unless it's is eating bacon with a fork. I mean, golly, that's soooophisticated!

If a picture is worth a thousand words then a candle is worth five hundred smells American, but only like three hundred European smells.

A truly Thanksgiving scented candle would smell like my brother's whiskey breath, kids arguing and turkey burps.

To make candles last longer freeze them. You'll forget about them just like I do the other stuff in my freezer. 5-year old peas anyone?

Candles with no wicks should be called Can'tles because you can't burn 'em.

Watching nighttime television with candles in no way replaces actually having friends I discovered. #CandlesRMagic

If you put orange scented candles in your pocket when the mosquitos are biting, they don't help at all. #CandlesRMagic

Where can you carry a candle in a secret place no one else can see, but be careful because you can get hurt? In your mouth! #CandlesRMagic

Some people think lighting a candle can ease life's pain. Wrong. Gun shot wounds. #CandlesRMagic

Candles are better than brothers because they don't pin you down when you have diarrhea and tickle you until...well, you know.#CandlesRMagic

Take a big drink of water. Now say "candle" 5 times fast. Boom. You're not thirsty. You're welcome. #CandlesRMagic

Taking candles outside is considered shoplifting I found out. #CandlesRMagic

Battery operated candles are a bad idea. Do you really want to light a battery on fire? #CandlesRMagic

Don't accidentally step on a sleeping candle or it might bite you like my dog did to me. #CandlesRMagic

Holding a candle in your pocket looks enough like a gun so as to constitute a real threat the police said after tackling me. #CandlesRMagic

Plunging a lit candle in water will extinguish it. Plunging it in urine works too but I hated the smell. #CandlesRMagic