Today is not a good day. I can't stop crying. I hurt so fucking bad. I try so damn hard to not fall apart but every day it gets harder. I push my feelings down and put on a mask. I'm not just the pissed off dad. I'm the broken dad. The dad that is in excruciating pain because
Uzi's gone. The dad that hates waking up because it's another day to face this agonizing truth. I fucking hate it. My soul, my whole being, died with Uzi, and I will never be the person I once was, ever again. My closest friends are others who lost their children, they know
how this feels but I feel selfish if I say that I can't handle today. I want to call my mom, but don't want to burden her at work, because I know if my children called me at work explaining they felt like how I do now, I'd drop everything and put my job on the line.
I don't want to exist, and not in a suicidal way. I'm just tired of hurting. I'm exhausted. But I can't and wont stop. I have to be "the pissed off dad" version of myself, because I can't stand to know that there will inevitably be more parents that end up in our shoes.
I hate myself. I hate myself for all of the missed opportunities that I took for granted. I hate that I poured blood sweat and tears into a job that inevitably proved to me that I was just another cog in the machine and has let me go.
@BCross052422 I know this feeling too well. 💔 When my dad was murdered I didn’t care if I lived or died and felt very expendable. Like crossing a street I wouldn’t have minded getting run over so I could be with my stolen dad again. Pls look to the helpers like @fred_guttenberg Sending 💜
@BCross052422 I understand this. I’ve often found myself just wanting to rot away into a puddle on my bed. I’m here for you. I don’t need you to do anything, just know people like me are here if you ever need to vent.
@BCross052422 I am sorry for your loss but I’m also filled with rage. At the system that enables this to keep happening and at 1/3 of the nation who seems fine with it. I know you have many sympathies coming in but also know that your powerful words are a call to action. And many of us listen.
@BCross052422 You don’t have to be anything. You just have to be you. Be you and only you. Find him and just be him. You got this. I don’t even know what I would do myself but I’m here if you need anything. I know we don’t know each but I’m a dad and understand.
@BCross052422 I'm sorry for your pain. Please seek extra help, counseling, and support to get through the the terrible loss and upheaval in your life. You deserve all the care you need to deal with what you've been through.
@BCross052422 I cannot imagine your pain. Hope you feel the hugs, even tho they are virtual.
@BCross052422 I’m so sorry. I know this pain unfortunately. This is your grief and its not like any one else’s. I’m sending you all my ❤️